A
female
age
41-50,
anonymous
writes:My ex and I dated for 2.5 yrs, and we broke up 1.5 yrs ago. We've had some time apart, but it's never stuck - he always ends up calling and putting himself back in my life, and then I end up falling for him again. (To be clear, this isn't an on again, off again, friends w/ benefits kind of thing. It's just talking, which leads to feelings.)Well, it's happened again. We both agree we can't be together right now. It's a long story, but the short version is that he got pretty messed up in our past relationship, and he's not fixed yet.He wants me to stay friends w/ him, to try to resolve things, but without any promises about the future, b/c he doesn't want to have the pressure and guilt of being responsible for my life.This guy is the love of my life. If he could get over the jealousy of my success (which started largely b/c he felt like I thought I was better than him, which for a while, maybe was true but definitely isn't now), I think we could be great together. But then again, I could invest another two years of my life into this guy and then wake up 31, still single, and no where close to being over him.I don't know how to stop this roller coaster. He lives five blocks away from me, and he's starting a job at the office where I work in a few months. Every time I've tried to just shut him out of my life, it hasn't worked, b/c he'll just call me, email me, etc., until eventually I answer him, and once he starts talking, it doesn't matter how much I've moved on -- I totally fall for him again. By contrast, being 'friends' w/ him is amazing - we have so much fun together, and he brings a richness to my life that no one else can. But I wake up alone. I feel like we're making progress - like we're talking about things we didn't use to be able to talk about, and we're understanding each other better. But I'm terrified that I'm investing in something that's never going to work out. And then that fear surrounds me, and I reach a point where it's almost unbearable, and being 'friends' stops being fun, b/c all I want is to have some kind of clarity, instead of ambiguity and uncertainty.I don't know what to do. I feel stuck and trapped. We've talked about it, and he feels the same way. What do we do? This could be a really great love -- the way I felt about this guy, before we messed things up (and not in the traditional ways, but in the ways that people with sort of shitty relationship role models and marginally abusive backgrounds often do) -- it was what people described, how you just 'know' you've found someone you'll never get tired of wanting to be with. I'm sure neither of us will ever get tired of the other, but that doesn't mean it'll work out. What if we're just throwing pennies down an empty well? For him, it doesn't matter, b/c he can have kids whenever. I'm 29. It matters. What do I do?
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broke up, jealous, my ex, trapped Reply to this Question
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male
reader, royalson +, writes (19 May 2009):
Make it work. Nothing easy is worth it.
A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (19 May 2009): Be prepared to have this sort of relationship for the rest of your life if you keep up the friendship. You will never reclaim what you use to have back in the days and the messed up part will always play a large role in your on again relationship. Your both going into it hoping that you can reclaim what you use to have only to get bored and talk things out again saying your not for each other but you can be friends. Is it because when you are on a friends basis you pay more attention to each other and you do actually feel that fresh relationship buzz.
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A
male
reader, michael786  +, writes (19 May 2009):
Find another boy who is serious in relationship as you are serious or make his position tight by not replying him when he call you, emails you. Try to love other boy for serious relationship and spend some time.
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