A
female
age
51-59,
anonymous
writes:Hi - about 3 years ago I moved out from living with my husband as I was very unhappy (verbal abuse and undermining, some physical violence). It came as a shock to my parents in particular as I had hid my unhappiness from them but I told them of some of the things I had gone through including the violence. My reason for hiding it was that they have such high hopes and expectations from me that failing them / letting them down was not an option and the last time I had intimated that I was unhappy (5 years prior) my Mother started interfering in a big way to 'make sure' we stayed together because she felt we were making a mistake (this included 'accidentally' calling my husbands mobile and generally grinding me down). In the end I just left and got my own place within the space of 2 weeks. I lived on my own for a year and I felt like I was getting my life back though it was tough. However my parents (mother in particular) would not look me in the face or support me in my actions and she made me very upset - I felt rejected and that she could not overlook her own feelings and see my hurt (especially after what I had been through). They didn't visit me and my Dad would leave the car running to drop something off to me - they only saw me if I went to their house. It was as if they would not acknowledge my situation. My husband wanted me to live back with him and with the relentless pressure from my parents (sometimes just their body language said it all)I moved back in with him. It has been a big mistake as I am back to unhappy again and my mother cannot understand why I can't just work things out - every time I speak to her on the phone (weekly) there is an awkward attitude from her as if I am not telling her what she wants to hear. This makes me feel like I did years ago - when I had to make things appear happy. On the one hand she claims she doesn't want me to waste my life and wants me to be happy but I don't see evidence that its what she truly thinks. Today she told me she felt like my husband had 'died' when I left him to live on my own... and that she felt I should stick it out because "so many people split up and regret it". I got angry with her today as I just feel cornered and I'm starting to doubt my own feelings - and don't feel I have ever or can ever really have my own feelings. I have lost my self esteem and self worth and yet my mother gets upset when I try to stick up for myself. I am starting to feel quite depressed and desperate. Can anyone provide any advice.
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depressed, moved out, self esteem, split up, violent Reply to this Question
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female
reader, hotty +, writes (19 November 2008):
I was in exactly the same position as you are about 3 yrs ago, appart from I actually said to my parents I wanted to leave my (then) husband. I had to think long and hard about it because we have 3 children together and while he was a rubbish husband he was a great dad. When I had actually gone ahead and left my husband, the relationship with my parents suffered, but if I hadn't left my husband i would have probably needed treatment for depression or self harm!!! its your decision, not theirs and you need to make that clear to them. don't bow down to the grief. Your mother is not obviously thinking about you by expecting you to stay with this man and just appears to be concerned with what others may say. If your not happy leave or make him leave. IF SHE LOVES YOU SHE'LL COME AROUND, otherwise I think you may have to prepare to walk away from all of them. GOODLUCK, and what ever you decide, stay strong.
A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (18 November 2008): Hello
tell your mother to go and live with him...
There must be some reason that links to your mother...
Does she see divorce as bad? Is there money involved?
Live for you and SERIOUSLY TELL HER TO MOVE IN WITH HIM IF SHE IS SO CONCERNED...then get on with the life YOU want...don't waste it on unhappiness
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A
female
reader, eyeswideopen  +, writes (17 November 2008):
 I agree with Emily, your mother doesn't seem quite right in the head. It also sounds like getting her approval will be an never ending job if you allow it to have any kind of priority in your life. Leave your husband and make it permanent this time. Tell your mother to put a sock in it, if she doesn't care about your well-being and happiness, fine, at least YOU care. Your self-esteem will bounce back once you let that sack of rocks off your back. You sound like a very intelligent and lovely lady so I'm sure you will be just fine. Keep us posted.
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A
female
reader, Emilysanswers +, writes (17 November 2008):
I'm sorry but any mother who wants you to stay with a man who hits you must have a screw loose.
What do you get from the relationship with your parents.
They seem happy to cut you out of their lives when you are not doing what they want.
Why don't you tell them that you can't be bothered with anyone who wants you to be in danger. 2 women a week die because their partners kill them.
Leave him and leave your parents.
A better life is just waiting for you.
Good Luck!! xx
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