A
female
age
,
anonymous
writes:my husband thinks it is perfectly ok to have his 90 year old mother living with us it has been like this for our entire life together 14 years. Seven years married. I really cant do it any more how can I make him see sense i'm ready to leave Reply to this Question
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female
reader, anonymous, writes (27 September 2015): I say leave for a two week vacation.Somewhere with a beach where you can have slushy drinks.Your husband can use his vacation time to stay home and take care of his mom.He needs to see first hand how much work you do and how hard it is on you physically and emotionally.While you are on your vacation relax,do nothing,rest.Turn your phone off better yet leave it behind.You have burnout you need this.When you get back you have a few things to decide.But do not decide anything yet as your husband needs to experance first hand all you do and this is really the best way to do it.His views might change by the time you return.
A
reader, anonymous, writes (20 September 2015): Remind him. It's your house too! A ninety year-old person requires almost as much care as a small child or infant in some cases; depending on their health. Something tells me you're the one who does most of the care. It's understood that he wouldn't want his mother in a nursing home; but if this is ruining his marriage, he should be told.
You don't mention her health or her disposition. Is she pleasant or cranky, healthy or sickly?
Too often wives let their husbands blindly carry-on as "heads-of-household;" so not to rock the boat. They speak up about nit-picky things; but something like this requires a serious conversation. It could even be cause for divorce!
You are not a geriatric-nurse, and your home is not a elderly care facility. Culturally, many nationalities consider it an honor to have the eldest generation living with them; considering it's often their house. In your case, your mother-in-law is living with you; which means she is also under your care. You drive her to doctor's appointments, help her with her hygiene, and anything else your husband will not do. Or, you wouldn't be at your wit's end, and writing DearCupid.
Well, you're going to have to gather the nerve to be as honest with your husband; as you are in your post to a group of strangers. It's time for mother to find professional care; and live in a facility that caters to her needs, and your family should visit her often. She has little time left in this world.
Be careful, or you will feel very guilty if something happens shortly after she leaves your home. It might be helpful to have a visiting nurse or professional geriatric companion care for her on occasion to free you of the responsibility.
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (20 September 2015): His Mother IS 90, the old dear by the laws of average probably won't be with you much longer. If her care needs have changed, then i understand. Does she have dementia? is she physically unable to walk etc? Does she need hoist equipment? Has she become incontinent? Something must have changed in those 14 years?Being a carer is very hard and demanding especially for the elderly,have you been her main carer? do you just need some respite? Does your husband pull his weight? You know that as her carer (which you obviously have been) you can ask for help if this is taking its toll on your health and wellbeing. Carers can come in to take the work load off you, and special equipment can make life easier for all concerned. Have you been taught how to move her in bed to change sheets if she can not get out of bed? These are all techniques that make caring easier for the carer as well as the cared for.Do you feel taken for granted? I admire what you have already done for your mum in law and husband, it's because of people like you that the elderly are looked after and loved in their winter years.Never feel unappreciated you are worth your weight in gold please rest and pamper yourself, Don't give up yet, arrange a special holiday (respite)for (YOU and HUBBY)or alone and have people take care of you for a change. You may feel so much better, and you will be able to think more clearly after a refreshing break.Have a discussion with appropriate bodies about care plans for Mum in Law, even if you can't do it anymore you could still have assistance come in.I think your on burn out, time to get help.
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A
female
reader, Tisha-1  +, writes (20 September 2015):
 "Dear husband, we have been together a long time and have had your mother with us the entire time. The thing is, I'm really struggling with XY and Z (you didn't specify why it's a problem after all this time, so fill in the blanks yourself). I can't seem to get you to understand the problem from my perspective, so I'm wondering what I need to do to get you to pay attention.
"Obviously, I love your mother and I love you, otherwise this wouldn't have worked for 14 years, but things have changed now and AB and C means I can't take care of her any longer.
"We need to make some changes around here and I'm at my wit's end and desperate. So desperate I've actually had thoughts about leaving.
"I know if I leave, that things will change for you, because then you will be the full time carer for your mother.
"I don't want this situation to end our marriage but I don't know how to cope any longer."
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Please note, I'm reading between the lines and making guesses about things. You really didn't give us much to go on here, so could you please explain a bit more about what's happening and what you've done over the past 14 years?
Thanks!
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A
female
reader, YouWish +, writes (20 September 2015):
 Why can't she live with you? Does your husband have brothers or sisters?
If she's lived with him the entire time you've known him, why the objection now? Why after 14 years you're ready to leave him? Why didn't you simply not marry him 7 years ago?
Many cultures take care of elderly parents, and the price for elderly care has gone through the roof. You living in the UK entitles you both to some help from the NHS. I'm sorry I'm from the US, so I don't know the exact logistics of the matter. Hopefully, some UK aunts and uncles can provide you with that.
Given your age as 51-59, I think it'll be a losing battle since she's been in your husband's life a lot longer than you have. You never mentioned whether she's abusive or not, but merely not wanting her there doesn't sound that fair on your part.
If you are ready to leave the relationship because his mom is there, you might want to make plans to follow through on there.
Why are you so bothered by her being there? Why is it so untenable now, when 14 years ago, when she was still living there, you were okay with it and even went ahead and married him in spite of it?
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