A
female
age
41-50,
anonymous
writes:i have been with my man now for almost 1.5 years. normally we have a good relationship. we do argue fairly often but we always resolve it. we currently live with his parents in a retirement village and it's getting the best of me. i am always depressed that we are just not on our own. we were supposed to stay with them just for a month or two to save money to move out. that didnt happen. we have not saved anything. something always comes up like i needed dental work done and he keeps bying other things to eventually make extra cash with when he fixes them up. and that doesnt bother me but we have now been here for 3 months and i dont know if we will ever get out. lately i have felt a little neglected. he is always really tired when he comes home from work and i get him his dinner and his cups of tea when he wants them. you know. i try to cater to him a bit. but i feel like i am not respected anymore. i am lonely. i feel like i spend more time with his parents than him. i have to beg him at night to give me a kiss before we fall asleep and sometimes he complains or just sighs, says he doesnt think about it. i miss the attention he used to give me. granted. whenever i want something material, he buys it for me or if i need something, he gets it. but when it comes to romance and just plain affection. i feel like i am pulling teeth from him. i am a very sensual romatic person and need affection constantly. i am a little needy with it. he knows i am like this. i thought that is one of the reasons he loved me so much. but now i just seem like i am an annoyence. nothing i do is right anymore. i seem to always make him angry. i have no family or friends so this is really hard on me cause he really is my only true friend in life. at the moment i feel i have no one. i just dont know what to do. i cant work so i keep myself busy all day but when he comes home he is too tired for me to bother him. i just dont know what to do anymore. i just want the extreme passion back that was there for so long. i just dont know how to get it. romancing him isnt working. talking to him about my feelings isnt working cause he seems to just not want to hear it anymore. i'm not sleeping well and i cry myself to sleep almost every night from being so depressed. what do i do? how do i make our relationship better, like it used to be? in our last fight we had we decided on 3 things. i could leave. i could leave for a while and take a break from each other. or i can stay and we could try to work on our relationship. he chose for me to stay and work on the relationship so it's still there. it must still be there but i just don't know how to dig it out of him. i don't know how to make him love and cherish me again. does anyone have any advice? please?
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Fancy yourself as an agony aunt? Add your answer to this question! A
reader, anonymous, writes (20 August 2008): Dear Poster
I understand what you are saying and I have empathy with you; you might not like what I am going to say but I am going to try and give you the best advice I can from the information you have posted.
It must be difficult for both of you staying with his parents; he might be feeling uncomfortable being openly affectionate in front of his parents; this might also affect him in bed; thinking about his parents, hearing the "noises";
I do suggest you stop nagging him; TO NAG A MAN IS AN INSTANT “PASSION KILLER”;
Instead of being bored at home and crying or getting depressed; I suggest you find a hobby or something to KEEP YOURSELF BUSY with; maybe even study or read up about relationships;
When he gets home at night after a long day of work; you should be giving him TIME TO UNWIND AND RELAX; he might not be in the mood or frame of mind for hugging and cuddling; DO NOT TAKE THIS AS A PERSONAL REJECTION; lots of people male and female are like that; give him time to unwind; ask him about his day and listen to him carefully with a real interest;
Try and share his ups and downs at work; give him moral support.
Then in brief tell him about your day ( that is when you have find something interesting to keep yourself occupied with); once he is relaxed you have a better chance that he will become affectionate towards you;
BUT
Nagging and crying is going to make it worse; you have to stop that; no matter how needy or clingy you are; it is killing your relationship; stop smothering him and don't try and squeeze the last bit out of this guy; put your needs aside for a few days and start paying attention to him and his needs; HONOR AND RESPECT him and his needs and YOUR REWARDS might be surprising.
Withdraw a little from all the passion; create a little distance and allow him some space; let him start approaching you for affection; but do stay nice and loving.
Oh I know by now you are feeling I am siding with him;
BUT
No I am not; I am merely trying to give you a realistic perspective to HELP YOURSELF TO SAVE YOUR MARRIAGE.
Never feel alone; if you have nobody else to talk too; remember, the “uncles and aunts’ are always here for you.
I hope you and your husband can work things out; give it your best.
Lots of hugs and keep SMILING.
Oh, and start "smiling" again towards your hubby; and greet him with a smile when he gets home; you will notice the difference! Please try it!
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