A
female
age
51-59,
anonymous
writes:My husband won't sleep in the same bed as me. We have two young kids and it started when they were babies and he needed more sleep for work. 6 years later - now he's gotten used to sleeping alone and claims he cannot get a good night's sleep in our bed. We've argued about this for years and I am done except that I can't break up my kids' family. He claims he does so much (which he does) and that if I understood the stress of his job etc. I wouldn't make him feel like he is not doing enough. He tries sleeping in our bed on the weekends but leaves around 3 or 4 in the morning. I can't take it. I am a physical person who needs a partner. I have secretly recently cheated on him but obviously have not found any solace there. I sometimes feel like I am having a midlife crisis and hormonal problems but I keep coming back to the fact that I want to sleep in the same bed with him every night and feel special, loved, prized, close, snuggled etc. I am really attractive, I keep care of myself and refuse to feel less of myself because of this. I don't understand my feelings to look outside the marriage for validation and closeness. I know I can't find it there. It is not about sex - our lack of sex is just a symptom of lack of closeness. I need help. Reply to this Question
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male
reader, anonymous, writes (24 July 2011): Why can't he sleep and get enough sleep in the same bed????
Snoring?
Restless Legs?
Periodic Limb Movement Disorder?
Are you a restless, thrashing sleeper?
Or, is it him, and his sleep behavior? What about his sexual orientation...do you really know what it is?
There are simple devices used by sleep physicians that register movement at night, but not sleep apnea which has to be measured with a sleep study.
Or, is there more than your affair/infidelity in the first place, and should you be working with a counselor?
Complex issue due to the cheating, at least, and getting him back to your bed is going to require some heartrending disclosures...or you can continue to lie to him the rest of your life, which is damn hard to do.
A
female
reader, lory  +, writes (24 July 2011):
 ohh my this is a hard part here, but i guess you really have to talk to him about this issue. this must not be forever. something is wrong in there. talk to him. and if this' still did not work, i guess we have to accept the fact that the marriage is nearly now on the edge.. im so sorry about this..
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A
female
reader, Moo's Mum  +, writes (24 July 2011):
 My sister used to be like your husband. She couldn't stand sleeping in a bed with someone else. Her now husband is a very huggy person and she has gotten used to having someone in her bed now. Your husband has gotten out of the habit of sleeping well with someone in the bed and he needs to be committed to fixing the problem to make it work. Tell him if he doesn't start trying to sleep in the bed with you he needs to move out completely. There's no point carrying on in a marriage when your needs are not being met.
I understand your reluctance to split up your family but trust me your kids will know the two of you are not that happy. They sense these things. Ultimately they will be happy if they two of you are happy apart.
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (23 July 2011): Whoa, I've been there. So have my parents. You must both face the underlying issues. I cheated as well and it made me feel like shit. You two should see a therapist to figure out a plan of action before things escalate. You sought the affection you desire from your spouse in a meaningless fling.
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (23 July 2011): I think your marriage is pretty much over - you've cheated on your husband and he won't sleep with you (or the other way round came first).
the only reason you're still married yet cheating on him, is because you can't break up your kids' family. don't make your kids responsible for being the glue that holds your dysfunctional household together.
Get over this fear of breaking up the family. Your husband will still be their dad whether or not you two are still married. Lots of people do it, so you can too. start a new life, one that is based on HONESTY and open ness and where you and your husband are free to have healthy loving relationships with other adults.
Right now you're modeling a dysfunctional family for your kids. Parents are detached from each other, mother cheating on father....this is not a good environment for your kids. They are getting the wrong idea of what to expect when they get married some day.
An honest divorce is better than keeping up a lie of a 'intact' family life. I think kids are better off in a divorced home where both parents are emotionally healthy and whole and leading productive lives on their own rather than making each other miserable under the same roof.
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A
female
reader, chocoholicforever  +, writes (23 July 2011):
To me it sounds like there's deeper issues than that he just doesn't want to sleep in the same bed as you. that's just the superficial symptom of the much bigger issues going on in your marriage. From what I see:
There's a lack of emotional intimacy and connection.
There's a mountain of hurt and rejection and pain.
There's barriers to communication.
There's lack of self esteem.
There's betrayal of trust.
There's keeping of dark secrets.
These are the issues that are very destructive to relationships and which need to be addressed and improved on significantly in order to restore intimacy, not merely trying to get your husband back into the same bed as you. His not wanting to sleep in the same bed is a symptom of all the other huge problems going on in the marriage.
You also need to examine your own emotional and inner life in particular the issue of your cheating. Cheating is a symptom of a broken marriage. You obviously were feeling miserable in your marriage and lacking in validation and sought this out with an affair.
You need to ask yourself why you didn't leave your husband if the marriage was so detrimental to your sense of well being. Cheating doesn't solve your problem it just creates new ones. And it's extremely destructive to marriages. Many marriages emotionally don't survive infidelity - that's not to be pessimistic or discouraging, just realistic and to underline how deep these problems are.
How to move forward from here? I suggest you start by having an honest and open talk with your husband about your disastisfaction in the marriage, about the lack of emotional closeness. Don't make it just about him not wanting to sleep in the same bed and how bad that makes you feel - that topic has become a poisonous one by now because you've argued about it for years.
Instead look at the marriage as a whole, where did you start to drift apart, and what can be done to get closer again? Does he even want to work on the marriage? Restrain yourself from becoming critical, upset, over-emotional etc as that sends up a wall between you and you won't hear what he has to say. You also could suggest going to marriage counseling.
Also realize that at some point you should admit to him that you've cheated on him. This can really really destroy his trust in you, but it's a fact that you did do it and keeping secrets makes for a weak foundation for rebuilding a relationship. At the very least he deserves to hear the truth and the seriousness of how far apart you two have become in this relationship. .
Also, independently of your husband and marriage, you may want to build up more self esteem so you don't need your marriage or your husband to validate you. it's very hurtful to be rejected by your spouse, and marriages have huge capacities to injure and destroy people's emotional health. But for your own mental health you need to retain a healthy sense of self worth so that so you can move forward with making hard decisions to improve your life situation whether it be leaving your husband to find a better future relationship, or to face and own up to disturbing and uncomfortable truths about your marriage in order to try to heal it and restore it so that it can meet your needs.
It's a different thing to be crushed and unable to feel OK to the point that you engage in destructive behaviors - like having affairs. If the latter is the case, then you need to develop more self confidence so you can feel well enough to make difficult but productive life decisions and stay the course with those, rather than seeking temporary mood-altering by engaging in destructive behavior that creates more problems in the long run.
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A
male
reader, Confused112 +, writes (23 July 2011):
Try getting in the other bed with him. Show him you want to sleep with him not just tell him. Just talk to him. Let him know and show him you want him with you at night in the same bed. I know where you are coming from. Men are hard asses. We don't always understand just talking. U have to show men just like men have to show women.
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