A
female
age
41-50,
*lee6712
writes:Dear Cupid-Sorry this is so long but it requires every detail....Well, in January of this year, i met this guy "matt" at a club and we exchanged numbers. Soon after that, we went out on a date to the movies. We continued going out like this for 2 weeks, then matt disappeared for a week. So i was confused and called and texted him a few times asking what happened and if he's ok...few days after this, matt responds that he got into some trouble and that he would call me that day, which he did.Soon enough we're back together again, but this time he's not calling very often like he used to and we're not seeing each other very often either. One night we have plans to see a movie, and he doesn't call me, and then i get mad, and text him that i'm very upset and don't want to speak to him again, then he gets upset back saying i'm threatening him, and doesn't want to speak to me....well, matt calms down, then asks me if i want to come see him at his house, i agree because i still like him, and we watch a movie in his bedroom (he still lives at home with his parents). Well, before i know it, i realize we're just seeing each other whenever he wants to, only at his house (or bedroom, should i say) watching movies, usually after 11 pm....also, too, when we're together, he slowly starts pushing for sex, but i say "no" because it's too soon for me, and besides we're not in a real "relationship" considering how things are going between us....well, then valentine's day rolls around, and he disappears again! few days after this he calls explaining that he got "locked up" for fighting (i didn't believe his because he is up for a city union job)....well, soon after, we're together again....well 2 more months of us seeing each other, he disappears for a whole month and a half....i am bewildered, sad, confused, and frustrated....well during this time, i go out one night with my girlfriend to a club, and lo and behold i see him there dirty dancing with another girl!! i couldn't believe it! i was so shocked and strucken, that i get drunk and leave the club....a couple days after this, he calls me saying i saw you at the club, then i say yeah i saw you too....with your girlfriend!! matt contests no that was my brother's girlfriend's friend (his brother and girlfriend were there at the club too with him) and that they're just friends....i said oh yeah, so if she's just a friend, why did you ignore me, and not come up to me that night to say hello? he said well you saw her, she was all over me and wouldn't leave me alone for a second....of course, i don't believe this but i missed him so much since i didn't see him for a while, and agreed to see him again....we continue seeing each other on and off like this (which is how it always was) for 3 more months....finally towards the end he's really pushing harder for sex, and since i was so physically turned on by him, and him wearing me down so much over the past 6 months, i finally give in....well, it was so disappointing....it took 2 seconds, then he rolled over, and fell asleep...then he woke up telling me in a nasty way to leave....i was so devastated! and then i didn't hear back from him in 2 weeks! when we spoke, i said why didn't you call me the day after we did the deed for the first time? he said he was busy but that i broke his heart for not calling him after...well again, i agree to see him again since he and i are both leaving for 2-month summer vacations...and won't see each other for a while....the first time we set a date, he falls asleep, and forgets to call, i give him another chance, second time, he gets drunk at his brother's birthday party, and can't make it, third time, he's caught up watching a soccer game, then doesn't call back to confirm....i am livid and disgusted this time!!! i said i never want to speak to you again!! then i go on my trip and he goes on his....well, after i come back from my trip, i feel ok, because i'm rested, relaxed, and thought he was gone forever....well, no sooner did i get home, he calls....saying how come you didn't call me while you were away? and then all the feelings come back, and i said you didn't either! well, he's calling me like this everyday for 4 days straight, then he disappears again??!!! well, cupid, my question to you is this....did sex change things, i mean, make it worse?? i know we never had a real "relationship" but he was really coming around, calling a lot, leaving voicemails (which he never does, and stopped doing this after we had sex), expressing more feelings for me, seeing me on weekends again....but after we had sex, all this stopped...also, i want to know if i should've asked for more, like asking him to see me more, calling me more, and taking me "out"....i know this sounds crazy, but i really thought he was the "one", i feel like i messed things up because we had sex under these conditions, and that if i was strong and firm, and asked for more, he would have more feelings for me, and would be with me right now...not disappearing all the time....and now i feel like i lost him forever because we had sex....also, why do you think he's acting like this now?
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Fancy yourself as an agony aunt? Add your answer to this question! A
reader, anonymous, writes (15 September 2009): You did not have a window of opportunity to increase his interest in you. He never acted like a guy in love or a guy who is really interested in getting to know you behaves.
He is simply a jerk and a user. The only thing you missed was all of the signs. Remember you can't "turn a guy around" when he behaves in a jerky way from the beginning, things just drag on the same way or end badly.
This isn't your fault that he is not calling you, it is simply the way he is, he isn't interested in a relationship with you or any one else. He is all about him self at this stage in his life, and considering he is not a kid, he is very unlikely to change now for anyone.
He will just end up with a total doormat, or alone, or with a codependent person.
I hope you can move on and choose better the next time you are looking for someone to care about.
A
female
reader, jlee6712 +, writes (14 September 2009):
jlee6712 is verified as being by the original poster of the questionthe reason why i mentioned "if i lost him forever" and wondering what would have happened if I had put my foot down in the first place, is because now for the first time EVER, things feel different...i don't think he's interested anymore or will call ever again....i know i should be happy but i don't because now I'm wondering if this have happened because of the way i tolerated his behavior over such a prolonged period? i guess what i'm asking is this...was there a "window of time" where I could have increased his interest in me?? and if there was, did the fact that I acted in a "non-challenging way" during this period (e.g., tolerating his actions), cause his little interest in me to disappear forever?? (let's just say he never calls back ever again now)....silly question perhaps, but it sure feels like it now....i know the jerk's not worth the thought, but i really need your thoughts on this...
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reader, anonymous, writes (12 September 2009): Gosh I hate to say this but.... I think the guy is just not that in to you and is a user. You know we women sometimes will make excuses particularly when we like someone. I mean you had a negative pattern right from the start. He didn't call then made an excuse and you accepted it and continued the same way ...sort of reinforced that he could get away with it and he did it again and again not offering excuses. He seems to be an out of sight out of mind kind of guy only thought about you the last time because .... he saw you and you didn't seem attracted so he chased. But if you look at the relationship in detail as you wrote ...he also was very selfish in how and where he saw you :( basically he saw you when it was convenient for him... and he pushed for sex. Do I think having sex with him changed things? Probably because it was a challenge but mostly because he didn't perform very well LOL. You know what if you run into him again he will probably call you again because when he sees you he remembers that he finds you physically attractive... it won't mean a thing. I don't think you need to feel really bad about having sex with him because it was something you wanted to try. Turns out he wasn't that good LOL Basically, instead of focusing on his rejection which psychologically makes him more appealing start thinking about what you know.... He gets in trouble, he's not stable, he starts things and doesn't finish them, he is controlling and selfish... oh yah he is manipulative and a liar NO WAY WAS HE DANCING LIKE THAT W INNOCENT PERSON- Cuz he would of paid attention to you . Oh and I don't like the way he so easily finds excuses for acting like and ass. Not once has he said that has he? That he has been a jerk? That's a bad sign too. Oh and not calling you the next day ....wow ! Also a pig. And.... He still lives at home? LOL sounds like a total loser! Be happy it is over if you need to be the one that is walking to get over him. Text him and say.... U know ... I'm totally glad we gave it a go and now we stand. He will be intrigued cuz he wants to be the dumper and will first wonder and then won't like that you are moving on. But when he contacts you keep in mind he is back in chase mode and there wasn't much to gain in that relationship. "where you stand " Basically sweetie is just where you started with that foo. ... not much of a return on your investment of time was it? Sometimes people are just jerks and he sounds like an immature loser you can and will do much better . Overall you showed him respect and understanding and have the capacity to care . There's no point in regretting that you liked him or that you slept with him ... you just gave him a gift he can't comprehend move on to someone who will. :)
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reader, anonymous, writes (12 September 2009): By the way, if you meet a man in a pub, more often than not you are meeting a boy, not a man, and a drunk. Try finding your romantic partners outside of a bar.
Quality men are out living their lives, not spending their nights in a bar.....words to live by.
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reader, anonymous, writes (12 September 2009): Are you really in your 30's because this sounds like the kind of stuff high school kids do to each other.
This guy is not into you at all. A guy who really really likes you would never forget to call you when you had plans, never stand you up, never disappear for two weeks and you kept calling him and asking him where he was. You acted as if you were a girlfriend and you were and are nothing of the sort.
He is treating you this way and acting this way because you let him. He is the biggest loser I have ever heard of. How old is he? He is still living with his parents, he gets drunk often and passes out, he never takes you out but wants you in his bedroom after 11 and pushes for sex, then when you finally give in he gets his rocks off and rolls over and then throws you out the next morning.
How on earth is this guy the ONE? Seriously, what kind of self esteem issues do you have here? You want to be treatead like a used rag by men? Get some self respect and tell this guy where to get off and to never contact you again, and this time mean it and quit playing games with him.
He is a total jerk. Please get rid of him and do it today.
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