A
female
age
30-35,
anonymous
writes:Hello,I am a mature senior in high school who has experienced a lot at this point in my life. I dated a boy who was a couple years older than me for over two years. He was my high school sweetheart and we were madly in love. He was a part of my family, very close with my parents and both of my older brothers. Our relationship abruptly ended when my mother caught him stealing money from my father one morning with her own eyes. It was a horrible experience, and my family, close friends and I were all very shocked. It shook my entire world and here I am almost a year later, still not over him. Since that day he has changed in ways I cannot describe in this small box. However I fully believe he is a completely different guy. We've been back and forth, shamefully behind my parents backs, and I've seen other people during this time in an attempt to move on. He has not however, and has consisistently stuck by my side and is persistent in showing and telling me how he will not give up until he gets another chance with me and my parents. There are a plethora of examples that prove this but again, they'd take much too long to type. We are trying to work things out and through all we've gone through, we still share the same feelings and friendship we once did before his tragic mistake. All of my friends and even one of my brothers have come to accept and forgive him, I just cannot seem to change my parents minds. I don't want to go behind their backs any longer, but I cannot help the way I feel and no matter how hard I try, I cant seem to rid my heart of what it truly wants. So I guess my question is how do I get my parents, especially my traditional and stubborn father, to at least give him a chance? He has tried to contact them a few times in an effort to talk but they've always denied. My heart will always long for another shot with the new and improved guy I've always loved so dearly. Please help! This situation is the only negative thing in my life and I need guidance...
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female
reader, YouWish +, writes (20 January 2015):
 One other thing -- it wasn't a "Tragic mistake", and it's profane for you to refer to what he did as a "tragic mistake". "Tragic mistake" would be investing in a stock before it crashed, or someone falling through thin ice playing hockey.
What he did wasn't a mistake. It was planned, premeditated, intended, and it was ongoing. Your mom catching him wasn't his first time. He had been doing it for awhile and had gotten careless and brazen. Even in employment, management has the good sense to automatically fire employees for stealing from the till.
The tragic mistake is being made by you every day you're with him.
A
female
reader, YouWish +, writes (20 January 2015):
He STOLE FROM YOUR DAD?!??!
That's something that neither his parents NOR YOU should ever give him a second chance on, and the fact that you're dating him behind your parents' back is absolutely deplorable.
The moment he was caught, you should have turned him out on his ear, and your parents should have pressed charges against the guy. Their mercy was NOT doing so, and you're still letting him around your house, around your belongings, around your personal information.
I don't care how much you think he has changed. Let me ask you this -- has he paid every penny back he stole from your dad during the entire time you were dating?? Has he offered manual labor or some other form of restitution?? Has he come clean about other things he's done?? Has he honored their wishes to not date you?? The mere fact that he'll go behind their backs NOW means he has not changed, and that he is morally bankrupt.
YOU are betraying them. Your parents should mean so much more than a lying, stealing guy.
Why am I being so harsh?? Let me explain.
I knew a girl who dated a guy and they eventually got serious. This guy, behind the girl's back, got a hold of her personal information and opened a credit card behind her back, which he proceeded to max out and didn't pay. He also stole from her parents -- money and jewelry.
He was caught. She did what you did, stopped thinking with her brain and kept him after he gave her sob stories on how much he changed.
They got married, and he was cheating on her within 5 months of their marriage, getting into drugs (first prescription drugs and then weed and heroin), stole from his job, got fired, stole from his own family, stole from her family, pawned everything of value she had to feed his drug habit, and eventually deserted her when she was 8 months pregnant with their second child.
In the meantime, he was unemployed for years and would lie to her about getting a new job just so he didn't have to care for their toddler child.
You are really headed towards destruction, and I'm not talking about with a morally bankrupt guy. Betraying your family has far worse consequences than anything.
Your response to anyone who comes in and steals from your dad, mom, sister, brother, should be fury and disowning. No second chances to someone who can do that, and you staying with him makes you culpable too. You didn't mention why he stole from them, nor how long, nor how much. I'm guessing you don't know the half of it, and if drugs were involved, heaven help you, because you'll truly be lost.
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A
female
reader, Ciar  +, writes (20 January 2015):
 I agree wholeheartedly with AuntyBimBim.
People are not owed second chances, not to say that no one should get one now and then but it's not something we OWE others. If your boyfriend was that concerned about your parents and making a good impression on them, he'd have made better use of the first chance.
There were a 'plethora of examples' of good behaviour that led your parents to believe he was a decent guy before he was caught stealing, so it's understandable that they're not impressed with them the second time around.
OP, taking your boyfriend back is something you chose for yourself. You have no right to demand that others follow suit.
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A
female
reader, Midnight Shadow  +, writes (20 January 2015):
 You are lying and sneaking around, like your boyfriend did, but he just added theft. You are being untrustworthy, just like him.He may have changed, but you don't just put stuff back and apologise; its a criminal act.He may say he only stole once, but he only got CAUGHT once. The chances he only stole once are very slim.It's not a tragic mistake after the age of 10. By then, and even before then, people know it's wrong to steal.They don't need to give him another chance and you shouldn't expect them to. That said, you need to come out in the open because lying and sneaking around leads to things like what your boyfriend did. They may learn to tolerate him, but they don't have to forgive him; it wasn't you, your brothers or your friends that he stole from.Just bear in mind that your parents are for life, partners at such a young age tend not to be.
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A
female
reader, Sincerely Yours +, writes (20 January 2015):
 After a year they won't even allow him to apologize? As parents and adults: I think they should be encouraging a person'a personal growth. Calling them to apologize is part of his growth and development. He has done the wrong thing, been caught, regretted it, and gotten better for it. (Right?) For your parents to not even allow him to call and apologize sounds harsh. I am sure I will be scrutinized for my answer but I personally believe in forgiveness, at least for one's own sake to lighten the heart. I wouldn't believe your parents never did anything that didn't need to be forgiven when they were teenagers, or even as parents. I've apologied to my daughter on multiple occasions for my parenting mistakes. I'm not telling you that they have to let him roam around the house, or have to pay for your wedding, but I just can't condone bringing a grudge to the grave. It will feel better for them to at least hear his apology. Now for you - it's your choice who you date. You're either a senior, or the age range you entered or both. You will be out of their house at some point and at which point, you will have control over who you are with. It would be nice if your parents could learn to love him again, but part of your being with him is that YOU accept him, and you accept all that comes with him. If that means you can't attend family events with him, and your parents don't ask about him when you talk, then that's what you accept to come with the relationship with him. You cannot hold a grudge for them not wanting to speak with him either. You might decide it's not worth it to be with a guy your parents don't approve of, and that's okay too. I am sorry that you lost him in such a way, and had a once loving and strong family connection flush down the drain. I know how it feels. My parents have forgiven my husband for things and for that I am lucky. He has grown, as you say, and matured in a plethora is ways that no one will fully understand except me, because I've watched him change and I live the difference with him every day and I have grown with him. I am forever grateful that he defeated his demons, and forever grateful that my parents were able to love him again as well. It's MORE than I could ever ask. But they have seen that he makes me happy and takes care of me and our daughters; they've seen him be loving and supportive and completely rid of his juvenile mind set. They see that we are two incredibly strong adults now If they hadn't chose to forgive him years ago, it would be awkward and not as pleasant, but I would still know him and be with him. Of course, I'm 25 and haven't lived at home in 8 years, so it's all my choice. You will makes yours too. Maybe you can't please everyone, maybe everything will be smoothed over in a few years, but you can't make them forgive him or give him a chance. You DO need to respect their choice because they were betrayed by him. They have to either see for themselves and mend their own wounds, or they will be forever angry. You will deal with whichever events transpire. My last thought here is that being able to steal from someone you love and have bonded with it pretty serious. I hope that you are using the best of judgment when you decide he is different from his heart to his toes. Obviously he is very good at deceit and lies, so do be careful. You have been manipulated and fooled before. Remember that your parents are concerned for you and have their reasons for what they do as well. My hope is that you'll be able to sit down with them and fully and completely hear each other out. Go over examples with them, hear their perspectives. Write it all out if you need to. Seek yor parents advice for how to make the correct judgement. Ask them for their objective, open-minded advice. Ask them is they've ever been through something similar, or ever had to forgive each other. Everyone needs to be reasonable and objective here. See if they will allow him to apologize, under the circumstance that there is no obligation to converse any further with him. Please update if you can. ~Sy
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A
female
reader, Aunty BimBim  +, writes (20 January 2015):
 Your father accepted this young man into is home, where he was part of the family and was very close to your parents, and he repaid this by being a thief. Stealing from the man who had opened his house and family to him.
You call it a tragic mistake, I call it getting caught! I suppose your father, like me, is wondering how many times prior your boyfriend had stolen from him without being caught.
And you ......... it sounds very tragic when you say your relationship was abruptly ended when your mother caught him in the act of stealing, but it didn't end did it, abruptly or otherwise, because you have, shamefully behind your parents back as you put it, sneaking around with him. You say he needs a second chance with your parents.
Your parents are in the right. In their place I would be exactly the same, there would be no more invitations into my home issued to anybody who repaid me in such a way, and further, if you were MY daughter I would be terribly, terribly disappointed.
You need to rethink your attitude towards your parents and your relationship with the thief and stop lying and sneaking around.
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