A
female
age
36-40,
anonymous
writes:How do I get my boyfriend's parents to stop being so clingy? We are both in graduate school in the same town as his parents. We have been dating for over 2 years, live together, and have talked very seriously about getting engaged sometime within the next year. The only problem is I do not like his family very much. I know that sounds awful, but they are completely dependent on him, and it is incredibly annoying. They depend him for almost everything. I mean from writing letters to people to computer stuff to moving things. It would be fine if these things were occasional, but they happen very frequently. I am not from this area. I am originally from over 1,500 miles away from where we live now. I cannot wait to graduate and move away, but I think these things will happen regardless. I am not very family oriented, and thus I have no problem going 9 months without taking a trip home or moving very far away. He has never lived more than an hour away, other than for a couple months at a time, at which point they felt it was necessary to visit when we were only gone for 2 months. It's essentially a "they jump, he says how high" situation. I don't think I can handle this situation much longer because it drives me insane. I feel like they need to let go of him. He is a grown man and cannot be there to cater to his family's every whim.Since our relationship is very serious, I feel like this is a huge problem. It is basically our only problem. Almost every fight we have is about this topic. Other than this, our relationship is great. I am beginning to question whether I can move forward in this relationship, given his family. I really need help.
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male
reader, Savai +, writes (21 October 2009):
I was in a 3 year relationship with this girl who is Caucasian while I am vietnamese. We had recently just split up because of not just me, but part of it had to do with my family. I was raised totally different than she was. We also have a child together. Since my parents came from Vietnam, it's hard for them to understand the american culture and customs we have. I always end up paying the bills, doing things for them when they ask or anything like that. They had rules that I grew up with that my ex didn't. My ex thought that my parents were to dependent on me and since i'm 22 now, they should let me grow up and do what I want. I also have 3 younger brothers. But since i'm the oldest of the 4 kids, I usually have to deal with everything.No matter how many times I had to explain to her or tell her to just try and understand my culture, she still couldn't. She thought that my parents were "clingy" like you said. She thought that me being 22, I shouldn't have any rules or that I shouldn't have to do things for them anymore when I have 3 younger brothers, one 19, one 17 and the youngest is 13. Sometimes I agree with her but I do it because I love my mom and dad. In my country, the child is supposed to end up taking care of the parents when they get older. That's respect to the parents. Especially the oldest child. They are to be the successors. My girlfriend didn't understand this and just thought that I was being used and that all the rules were bullshit. There's more to the story but I think i've talked enough.What i'm trying to say is, don't hate the guy because of his family. Actually, don't hate his family neither. If the guy actually loves you, talk to him and ask him to talk to his parents. Have him try to make them understand your feelings and ways and how you're not used to theirs. And on your part, try to understand his family. They're different. Try to adjust, just hang in there. It may not be a different race or culture thing like mine was, but it's kinda the same...i think? He just loves his parents.
A
female
reader, HereAreMyTwoCents +, writes (21 October 2009):
 I hate to say this anonymous, but all the other answers are right. I was going to tell you the same thing, after I read you question and BEFORE I read the answers. That's what family is there for, to help each other out. What he is doing is perfectly normal and caring behavior. It is the way loving families interact. They do things for each other, because they love each other, and know that they can and should depend on each other. His parents raised him into adulthood, and it is not unreasonable for him to "give back" now by helping them more. And, I believe he takes pleasure in getting the opportunity to do things for his parents because it is a way for him to tell them "I love you" and "thank you." I don't know what kind of a family life you had growing up, but I know that in a loving, close-knit compassionate family everyone jumps at the chance to help the other one out, and they do those things even if they might not feel like it at the moment, because that is what family/loved ones do for each other, it is loving and willingly given little and big sacrifices that makes the family what it is. I hope that when you get married and start a household of your own with him, you will both ask each other "how high" when the other says "jump".
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A
reader, anonymous, writes (21 October 2009): How can you call them clingy when compared to you. You may think your relationship with him is very important but so are his parents. He wont be popping 1500 miles to write a letter for them and two monthly visits are reasonable. In fact he sounds like a good son.
You sound totally unreasonable.
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