A
male
age
22-25,
anonymous
writes:Hello DC! I'm in a bit of a pickle right now with my girlfriend...My current girlfriend and I (let's call her A) have been dating off and on for about three months. I wish I could be consistent, but I caught her cheating with several boys the first time.After I got mad at her and left her to think on it, we got back together a little while later. Now, we're here, and I'm afraid of how it'll go this time.Everyone has told us to break up, and I've been told to forget about her, but I don't want to! I really like her, but we have flaws. Or, she has flaws.And she knows it! She has been doing drugs for a while, though neither of us consider her addicted, but I constantly scold her about her use, as she's 17 and I'm 15. It isn't a super consistent use, maybe only once every few months. She uses Acid, Ecstasy, and Marijuana, nothing else. I hate it. Not her, but her using.She also seems to be closer to a friend of hers than to me. He touches her breasts (him and I recently agreed that he wouldn't do it anymore) and she doesn't care, but she won't commit enough for me to make any advances past kisses. Not even hickies!She admitted that she is afraid of what I might do, but she also said that I'm the only guy she has ever really cared about. She said that she doesn't know how to react when I show her affection, because anyone before me that has done that has been abusive to her.I don't know what to do with this! I really want to be with her, but I'm not okay knowing that she isn't satisfied with one person (also something we discussed).How can I get her to open her eyes and see that I truly care about her, and that she's going down a bad road? I need advice on how to handle this situation! I would be glad with anything that anyone has to offer.How can I get her to quit using drugs?How can I get her to understand that it isn't okay to let her friends closer than me?What can I do to show her that she shouldn't need multiple partners, and that if she has a problem with me, we need to talk?I really care for this girl, and she claims to care for me, but her history says otherwise. She seems to think that because she kisses me means that I'm her boyfriend, even though she holds hands with everyone else more than me. I'm confused and need answers. I'm being pestered by my community to break up with her, but I refuse to!
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Fancy yourself as an agony aunt? Add your answer to this question! A
female
reader, deirdre  +, writes (4 May 2015):
despite the age gap you are more mature than her and you need to let her go if possible. You are concerned about her drug use, could you possibly tell a family member (hers) or someone at school, they might be able to guide her?
A
female
reader, So_Very_Confused +, writes (4 May 2015):
 I am married to an alcoholic. It's a very hard thing for those of us who love addicts to get but the ONLY way to help them is to help ourselves.
and the way we help ourselves is to set boundaries and take care of ourselves and let our loved ones suffer the consequences of their choices. I urge you to check out Al-anon and Al-ateen for support on how to handle this.
You are afraid of how it will go this time with good reason. The young lady cheated on you and you “forgave her” but you don’t trust her do you? Is that any way to live?
We all have flaws. Some of our flaws are acceptable. Lying and cheating are not in my opinion.
IN Al-anon we say “love the user hate the disease” Drug and alcohol abuse is a disease. If she had cancer and was not telling her parents what would you do?
YOU cannot make agreements with other boys about her. That’s NOT your place. IF she chooses to let other boys touch her, that’s HER choice. YOUR choice is to leave or accept it. THOSE are your only options when it comes to other boys.
She is 17 and you are 15 and that’s a huge gap at your age. In addition, she “won’t let you” do anything other than kisses because she’s playing with you and does not feel as strongly about you as you do about her.
There is nothing you can do to change or control her.
You can’t get her to quit using drugs. The only thing you can do is give her consequences for using which in this case would not work since you are not that important to her that she will quit using in order to be with you. YOU have NO control over her only yourself.
You can’t get her to do anything you want. The best thing to do is take care of yourself. And walk away from her.
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A
male
reader, anonymous, writes (4 May 2015): "How can I get her to open her eyes and see that I truly care about her, and that she's going down a bad road?"
You can't.
"How can I get her to quit using drugs?"
You can't.
"How can I get her to understand that it isn't okay to let her friends closer than me?"
You can't.
You can't "get" her to do anything she would not be inclined to do otherwise.
She knows you're hung up on her and is taking advantage of your feelings to take whatever it is she thinks she can get from you while doing exactly as she pleases in the meantime.
Whatever her problems are, you can't fix them, especially when she refuses to acknowledge she has problems. I can only assume her behavior is motivated by unresolved issues dating from he childhood that would need to be addressed under the care of a mental health professional.
You are much too young to get involved in a dysfunctional, unhealthy relationship with a girl who likely has long-term, deep-seated issues that you lack the maturity and life experience to begin to comprehend.
At this time your attempt to play White Knight and rescue her isn't going to make her life any better and will only make yours worse. You need to step back and detach yourself from the situation, which doesn't mean abandoning her as a friend but does mean realizing that the adolescent ideal that love can conquer all doesn't apply here.You need to accept her as she is and understand you don't have the power to change her life, only she does.
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