A
female
age
36-40,
anonymous
writes:A few years ago I got out of a long term relationship and one of my friends, let's call him Mark (who is 10 years older than me) was right there to be my shoulder to cry on. The problem is that he got me really drunk and kissed me. It turned out that Mark had been in love with me for years, and I was so drunk I kissed him back! We went on one date, but it was so awkward that I told him it would never work out between us, especially because of the age gap.I left to go back to university and before I knew it I was getting a load of messages from our mutual friends telling me what a bitch I was. Mark had completely dramatised the whole situation and everyone believed him! I can't believe I ever thought of him as a friend- he deliberately went out to hurt me.It took months to get some of our friendship circle to talk to me again and even now some of them don't believe my side of the story. I lost a lot of good friends because I wasn't around to fight my corner.The problem is that I met this really great older guy, let's call him Joe, and I'm worried that everyone will draw parallels between this situation and the one with Mark, so I've had to keep the relationship a secret. I've explained the situation to Joe, but I'm sure everyone knows something is up because we spend a lot of time together. Mark knows him, but not very well, and I've noticed Mark trying to get Joe on his own when we are all out together. I'm worried that Mark is trying to tell Joe to stay away from me, and I'm terrified of what he's going to say about me when Joe and I decide to tell everyone we're a couple. I can't go through all the drama again and lose more friends when all I want to do is go out with someone I like and be happy- is that so wrong?I don't see how a date and a kiss can ruin your life for years because of one persons lies. It might seem easy to just say "screw your friends if they believe him over you" but if I do that I'll only have about three friends left! What should I do to get Mark to get over it and stop spreading lies?
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female
reader, brklynsis81  +, writes (28 October 2008):
 When Mark opened himself up to you, and you rejected him, you hurt him deeply. Don't get me wrong, you had every right to not reciprocate his feelings, but the simple fact is he felt rejected, and has acted out as a result. It is unfortunate that you have lost friends over this, but honestly, how great of friends could they have been in the first place? I feel the need to point out the same thing with regard to your new relationship with Joe... if you are so worried about your "friends" reactions to the relationships, they must not be very good friends to begin with. What's the point of having a huge group of fake friends? I think I would rather just have three very good friends. I know it is hard to believe, but you will grow in and out of friendships in your life. Having a huge group to party with isn't the end all-be all.
By the way, you cannot "do" anything to change the way Mark feels. You can either chose to keep him in your life or not. I think if you want to keep hanging out with the circle of friends that includes Mark, you should just tell Joe about what happened between you and Mark, so that if Mark approaches him, he won't be surprised. If Joe believes and trusts you, it won't really matter much what Mark says to him, right?
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