A
female
age
,
anonymous
writes:Hi i hope you will be able to give me some advise.I have been with my bf for just over a year now. He went through quite a nasty break up with his wife of 25years, she came home one day and told him that by the end of the month he must move out as she and her lover had decided to give it a go. He did not even know that she was having an affair. Well he did just as she told him he moved out, he said he did not want to cause their children anymore pain. We started going out 5 months later and he then moved in with me. He is a wonderful person so loving and caring and so good to my children between us we have 6 . The problem is he is for ever saying to me he knows if a younger man than myself i am 46years comes along and has money i will go for him. I feel so hurt that he could think that i would do that to him. I adore him. But he says that he knows he is not good enough for me and that he is useless. He does so much for me i could not ask for a better man. He does all the cooking and cleaning and fixing things around the house. I tell him i really dont expect him to do everything beacause i am not a lazy person. But he says if he does not do these things i will kick him out.Please how can i get him to see that i really love him and i have no interest in another man what so ever i only want him.And he does not have to prove his love for me by doing everything. My children are inclind to use this to their full advantage sometimes and it makes me so cross, but he says he really loves helping out.
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male
reader, dirtball  +, writes (18 April 2011):
 Keep reassuring him. Really, he's overcompensating for what he thinks drove his wife away, even though it was likely all to do with her and little to do with him. He hasn't had time to fully grieve their lost relationship, and in a way he sounds like a pushover. That's not to say he's not a great guy, but to just roll over in a situation like you describe tells me he values himself very little. This will be a constant struggle for you because despite how much you tell him about how great he is, he will not see it unless he wants to. Right now, I don't think he's capable of it.
Give it time. Reassure him with your words and actions. Do nice things for him to show your gratitude. Talk to him. It will take time but hopefully he will come around.
A
female
reader, FaddedDay  +, writes (18 April 2011):
 I have the same problem. My boyfriend's ex cheated on him with his best friend, and when confronted, she told him that she had been pity dating him, that she never loved him, and that he was never going to go anywhere in life. My boyfriend's already low self esteem went blow the ground as you can understand. What your boyfriend has, is serious psychological trauma over what happened with his wife. Sit down, and talk to him about as to why he thinks that you'll kick him out. Let him vent, let him rant, and at the end of it all, take him into your arms, sooth him, and tell him exactly how you feel. Don't hold back because you think it sounds mushy, if you feel it, tell him about it. Make a habit of doing someting everyday that says "I love you". Leave him little notes, complement him, love him. Show him that he can trust you, and with time, I'm sure your relationship will flourish beautifully. I wish you the best of luck :)
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