A
female
age
36-40,
*mscherm
writes:I need some insight and advice. Okay my story goes like this: about 9 months ago I was getting over an ex when a guy I worked with started pursuing me. We dated a little but I made it known that I didn't want to start anything because I wasn't quite over my ex and I knew that I had to resolve my hurt feelings before moving into another relationship. Well a couple months later I ended up in a more serious relationship with this guy I work with, let's call him C. C and I got along pretty well and everything was going good. He asked me to quit smoking and I gave it my best effort. Well one night I had a slipped up and smoked. When he asked me about it I lied, but I didn't get away with the lie. After that he began to lose trust in me...and so this smoking problem happened a couple more times. It's really hard to quit smoking. So this is when the problems really started happening. This little lie has changed the relationship. Since then I've shown him that I don't lie and I have been honest with him about smoking - I'm still doing good on quitting. Now there are other problems..he seems to not be into me anymore and he says I need to show him that I love him. I do love him and care about him, but he doesn't show the same affection he used to and I feel like I'm going crazy here because I'm trying to get him to "come back" to me so that we can rebuild this relationship. I really need some advice on how to go about this. Another thing is that I don't feel as confident in myself as I did when we first started going out and I really think this is the biggest problem between us. How can I get him to see that I really care about him?
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female
reader, Loveless Marriage +, writes (5 July 2009):
First I must say bells and whistles went off when you stated "he says I need to show him that I love him". That's and ultimatum mixed with a outright condition on your love. He knew you were a smoker and frankly while quitting is a wonderful life choice for you to make for yourself, he has no say in the matter. If anyone would openly base their "love" for you on a habit (smoking) then what's next? Must you change eye colors to win his "love"? Dye your hair? Change your clothing style? My only advice based on my own personal life experiences is run, now. What you did (lying) was wrong and not a good basis to start a relationship but could you imagine your best friend ditching you on the same condition? He is running game and toying with you and you either take the reins and responsibility for yourself or you hand them over and let him put his emotional responsibility on you. You are not responsible for whether another person "feels" loved or not!
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