A
female
age
30-35,
*herrybomb13
writes:I used to be "building a relationship" with this game named "James". I liked him a lot in the beginning, but over a few months of me waiting to be in a relationship, I found him less and less attractive with everything he did. He always asks me for money, just told me he is homeless, and he also does coke. When I even hint that I think he is using me he gets really mad. He also talks to a ton of other women. I work at a tattoo shop, and he never comes around unless he wants me to tattoo him or wants money. We have a mutual friend, named "Ted". I have liked Ted for a very long time, but he doesn't want to get involved with me because of James. Ted always comes to visit me, even before we worked on the same street. He has never bummed anything off of me, and I have only tattooed him twice, meanwhile, James has 1000 dollars worth of free tattoos from me. Ted started working down the street from me, so he comes by on the days he works. Its never for very long because he comes on his breaks, but its nice. We usually go get something to eat, or just talk. How can I tell if he likes me the way I like him? How can I get him to pursue a relationship with me? I know he wants a girlfriend, and I know we would be good together.
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female
reader, Tisha-1 +, writes (25 April 2013):
 Ted and James are like brothers, that's enough to disqualify Ted from further consideration. Sounds like the perfect time to drop the entire set of losers. Good riddance. Take care of yourself and don't put yourself into dangerous situations any longer. Read that list of loser traits and avoid them so you don't wind up stuck and fearful again. You can choose to learn from this or not. Good luck to you; hope you reflect on this and avoid getting stuck with a dangerous loser as a not-boyfriend-but-a-ridiculous-pain-in-the-ass again.
A
female
reader, Cherrybomb13 +, writes (25 April 2013):
Cherrybomb13 is verified as being by the original poster of the questionJames got mad at me yesterday because I found out he had a girlfriend the whole time he was messing around with me. He deleted my number and unfriended me on facebook. I guess that solved half of the issue.
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A
female
reader, Tisha-1 +, writes (24 April 2013):
Then I would highly recommend you go here: http://www.thehotline.org and tell them that you are afraid of James and need help with ending the relationship.
Did you read this? Here is your game plan to get out:
During this part of separating from "The Loser", you recognize what you must do and create an Exit Plan. Many individuals fail in attempts to detach from "The Loser" because they leave suddenly and impulsively, without proper planning, and without resources. In many cases, "The Loser" has isolated their partner from others, has control of finances, or has control of major exit needs such as an automobile. During the detachment phase you should...
- Observe the way you are treated. Watch for the methods listed above and see how "The Loser" works.
- Gradually become more boring, talk less, share less feelings and opinions. The goal is almost to bore "The Loser" to lessen the emotional attachment, at the same time not creating a situation which would make you a target.
- Quietly contact your family and supportive others. Determine what help they might be - a place to stay, protection, financial help, etc.
- If you fear violence or abuse, check local legal or law enforcement options such as a restraining order.
- If "The Loser" is destructive, slowly move your valuables from the home if together, or try to recover valuables if in their possession. In many cases, you may lose some personal items during your detachment - a small price to pay to get rid of "The Loser".
- Stop arguing, debating or discussing issues. Stop defending and explaining yourself - responding with comments such as "I've been so confused lately" or "I'm under so much stress I don't know why I do anything anymore".
- Begin dropping hints that you are depressed, burned out, or confused about life in general. Remember - "The Loser" never takes responsibility for what happens in any relationship. "The Loser" will feel better about leaving the relationship if they can blame it on you. Many individuals are forced to "play confused" and dull, allowing "The Loser" to tell others "My girlfriend (or boyfriend) about half nuts!" They may tell others you're crazy or confused but you'll be safer. Allow them to think anything they want about you as long as you're in the process of detaching.
- Don't start another relationship. That will only complicate your situation and increase the anger. Your best bet is to "lay low" for several months. Remember, "The Loser" will quickly locate another victim and become instantly attached as long as the focus on you is allowed to die down.
- As "The Loser" starts to question changes in your behavior, admit confusion, depression, emotionally numbness, and a host of other boring reactions. This sets the foundation for the ending of the relationship.
Ending the Relationship
Remembering that "The Loser" doesn't accept responsibility, responds with anger to criticism, and is prone to panic detachment reactions - ending the relationship continues the same theme as the detachment.
- Explain that you are emotionally numb, confused, and burned out. You can't feel anything for anybody and you want to end the relationship almost for his or her benefit. Remind them that they've probably noticed something is wrong and that you need time to sort out your feelings and fix whatever is wrong with you. As disgusting as it may seem, you may have to use a theme of "I'm not right for anyone at this point in my life." If "The Loser" can blame the end on you, as they would if they ended the relationship anyway, they will depart faster.
- If "The Loser" panics, you'll receive a shower of phone calls, letters, notes on your car, etc. React to each in the same manner - a boring thanks. If you overreact or give in, you've lost control again.
- Focus on your need for time away from the situation. Don't agree to the many negotiations that will be offered - dating less frequently, dating only once a week, taking a break for only a week, going to counseling together, etc. As long as "The Loser" has contact with you they feel there is a chance to manipulate you.
- "The Loser" will focus on making you feel guilty. In each phone contact you'll hear how much you are loved, how much was done for you, and how much they have sacrificed for you. At the same time, you'll hear about what a bum you are for leading them on, not giving them an opportunity to fix things, and embarrassing them by ending the relationship.
- Don't try to make them understand how you feel - it won't happen. "The Loser" only is concerned with how they feel - your feelings are irrelevant. You will be wasting your time trying to make them understand and they will see the discussions as an opportunity to make you feel more guilty and manipulate you.
- Don't fall for sudden changes in behavior or promises of marriage, trips, gifts, etc. By this time you have already seen how "The Loser" is normally and naturally. While anyone can change for a short period of time, they always return to their normal behavior once the crisis is over.
- Seek professional counseling for yourself or the support of others during this time. You will need encouragement and guidance. Keep in mind, if "The Loser" finds out you are seeking help they will criticize the counseling, the therapist, or the effort.
- Don't use terms like "someday", "maybe", or "in the future". When "The Loser" hears such possibilities, they think you are weakening and will increase their pressure.
- Imagine a dead slot machine. If we are in Las Vegas at a slot machine and pull the handle ten times and nothing happens - we move on to another machine. However, if on the tenth time the slot machine pays us even a little, we keep pulling the handle - thinking the jackpot is on the way. If we are very stern and stable about the decision to end the relationship over many days, then suddenly offer a possibility or hope for reconciliation - we've given a little pay and the pressure will continue. Never change your position - always say the same thing. "The Loser" will stop playing a machine that doesn't pay off and quickly move to another.
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A
female
reader, Cherrybomb13 +, writes (24 April 2013):
Cherrybomb13 is verified as being by the original poster of the questionYes, Im scared of breaking it off with James. He is the kind of person who will try to make the rest of your life miserable if you reject him. He will lie about anything to anyone. Yesterday, he told me his mother died and then said he was leaving that very moment to go to baltimore. he texted me about an hour later, saying that he isn't leaving, and asked for ten dollars. I didn't give it to him, for like the first time ever. I didn't have the guts to say no, so I just ignored the text.
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A
female
reader, Got Issues  +, writes (24 April 2013):
 Like Tisha says, James is a loser. His friends call him psycho so there is obviously some sort of issue with anger. He uses hard drugs. He doesn't have a job or a home and he constantly asks you for money and favours. He just generally doesn't sound like a nice person and you need to get him out of your life. Again, Tisha's advice is good. As for Ted, you could make a list of all the things that are wrong with James. Ted is friends with James. You say it's because they're both into bmx. I say it's because Ted likes James and therefore shows very bad judgement. Do you really want to be with someone who has such shady friends? I doubt that if you two got together, Ted would just drop James. So he would still be in your life and you would have to either hide your relationship or deal with the wrath of James.It's just not realistic, you and Ted getting together. I really think you should just forget about the whole thing. Work on getting then both out of your life and pick some more savoury friends from now on.
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A
female
reader, Tisha-1 +, writes (24 April 2013):
"Ted and James are like brothers, and I don't think he wants to betray him. Ted thinks me and James are together, or something like that. I tell Ted that my thing with James isn't going anywhere, but I don't think he believes me."
They are like brothers, you wrote. Ted doesn't believe you, he believes Psycho, I mean James. So he has some pretty poor judgement, don't you think?
Did you read the information I gave you? You didn't answer my question whether or not you are scared of breaking it off with James.
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A
female
reader, Cherrybomb13 +, writes (24 April 2013):
Cherrybomb13 is verified as being by the original poster of the questionTed is not like James. James is 21, tattoos all over his face and hands, can't keep a job, always high on something. Ted is 20, I am 18. They all hang around each other because they skate and bmx. Ted has never asked me for anything. He is not a mooch.
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A
female
reader, Tisha-1 +, writes (23 April 2013):
Do you feel threatened by James? Do you fear for your safety if you end this "thing" you have with him?
You've known him for a while. http://www.dearcupid.org/question/he-smokes-weed-is-jobless-and-homeless-but.html
If his nickname is psycho, his friends know there is something wrong with him; your reputation is probably not that great because you are with him, not because you are going to end the "thing."
Ted sounds like he's caught up in the same group of friends. Is he basically homeless, smoking weed and mooching off people too?
Is there some reason you can't move on from both of them? If you are fearful for your safety, I have a link to how to get out of a relationship safely: http://www.mental-health-matters.com/index.php?option=com_content&view=article&id=171
Here is the text for how to detach from a Loser. James is a Loser. Time to get rid of him. Don't move on to Ted. He doesn't sound all that much better.
--------
During this part of separating from "The Loser", you recognize what you must do and create an Exit Plan. Many individuals fail in attempts to detach from "The Loser" because they leave suddenly and impulsively, without proper planning, and without resources. In many cases, "The Loser" has isolated their partner from others, has control of finances, or has control of major exit needs such as an automobile. During the detachment phase you should...
- Observe the way you are treated. Watch for the methods listed above and see how "The Loser" works.
- Gradually become more boring, talk less, share less feelings and opinions. The goal is almost to bore "The Loser" to lessen the emotional attachment, at the same time not creating a situation which would make you a target.
- Quietly contact your family and supportive others. Determine what help they might be - a place to stay, protection, financial help, etc.
- If you fear violence or abuse, check local legal or law enforcement options such as a restraining order.
- If "The Loser" is destructive, slowly move your valuables from the home if together, or try to recover valuables if in their possession. In many cases, you may lose some personal items during your detachment - a small price to pay to get rid of "The Loser".
- Stop arguing, debating or discussing issues. Stop defending and explaining yourself - responding with comments such as "I've been so confused lately" or "I'm under so much stress I don't know why I do anything anymore".
- Begin dropping hints that you are depressed, burned out, or confused about life in general. Remember - "The Loser" never takes responsibility for what happens in any relationship. "The Loser" will feel better about leaving the relationship if they can blame it on you. Many individuals are forced to "play confused" and dull, allowing "The Loser" to tell others "My girlfriend (or boyfriend) about half nuts!" They may tell others you're crazy or confused but you'll be safer. Allow them to think anything they want about you as long as you're in the process of detaching.
- Don't start another relationship. That will only complicate your situation and increase the anger. Your best bet is to "lay low" for several months. Remember, "The Loser" will quickly locate another victim and become instantly attached as long as the focus on you is allowed to die down.
- As "The Loser" starts to question changes in your behavior, admit confusion, depression, emotionally numbness, and a host of other boring reactions. This sets the foundation for the ending of the relationship.
Ending the Relationship
Remembering that "The Loser" doesn't accept responsibility, responds with anger to criticism, and is prone to panic detachment reactions - ending the relationship continues the same theme as the detachment.
- Explain that you are emotionally numb, confused, and burned out. You can't feel anything for anybody and you want to end the relationship almost for his or her benefit. Remind them that they've probably noticed something is wrong and that you need time to sort out your feelings and fix whatever is wrong with you. As disgusting as it may seem, you may have to use a theme of "I'm not right for anyone at this point in my life." If "The Loser" can blame the end on you, as they would if they ended the relationship anyway, they will depart faster.
- If "The Loser" panics, you'll receive a shower of phone calls, letters, notes on your car, etc. React to each in the same manner - a boring thanks. If you overreact or give in, you've lost control again.
- Focus on your need for time away from the situation. Don't agree to the many negotiations that will be offered - dating less frequently, dating only once a week, taking a break for only a week, going to counseling together, etc. As long as "The Loser" has contact with you they feel there is a chance to manipulate you.
- "The Loser" will focus on making you feel guilty. In each phone contact you'll hear how much you are loved, how much was done for you, and how much they have sacrificed for you. At the same time, you'll hear about what a bum you are for leading them on, not giving them an opportunity to fix things, and embarrassing them by ending the relationship.
- Don't try to make them understand how you feel - it won't happen. "The Loser" only is concerned with how they feel - your feelings are irrelevant. You will be wasting your time trying to make them understand and they will see the discussions as an opportunity to make you feel more guilty and manipulate you.
- Don't fall for sudden changes in behavior or promises of marriage, trips, gifts, etc. By this time you have already seen how "The Loser" is normally and naturally. While anyone can change for a short period of time, they always return to their normal behavior once the crisis is over.
- Seek professional counseling for yourself or the support of others during this time. You will need encouragement and guidance. Keep in mind, if "The Loser" finds out you are seeking help they will criticize the counseling, the therapist, or the effort.
- Don't use terms like "someday", "maybe", or "in the future". When "The Loser" hears such possibilities, they think you are weakening and will increase their pressure.
- Imagine a dead slot machine. If we are in Las Vegas at a slot machine and pull the handle ten times and nothing happens - we move on to another machine. However, if on the tenth time the slot machine pays us even a little, we keep pulling the handle - thinking the jackpot is on the way. If we are very stern and stable about the decision to end the relationship over many days, then suddenly offer a possibility or hope for reconciliation - we've given a little pay and the pressure will continue. Never change your position - always say the same thing. "The Loser" will stop playing a machine that doesn't pay off and quickly move to another.
...............................
A
female
reader, Cherrybomb13 +, writes (23 April 2013):
Cherrybomb13 is verified as being by the original poster of the questionIdk...James is kind of scary. His nickname is psycho. I just dont want him to try to hurt me or Ted. He says hes going to Canada this week for a week or two. I was thinking I'd use it to talk to Ted. Its also awkward because they're all in the same group of friend. James, Ted, and like two other guys all live together, or used to live together at one point. Ted is about to move back in with the guy James stays with sometimes. Since James is homeless he crashes at a lot of people's houses. I dont think James' friends know he is a leech. I told Ted once that James never comes around, unless he wants money. Ted brought it up to James, and he got really mad.
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A
female
reader, So_Very_Confused +, writes (23 April 2013):
 Just because JAMES said something does not make it true. Why are you giving this loser such power? YOU do not have a THING with James and if TED thinks you do, then it’s incumbent on you to set him straight. Saying “my thing with James isn’t going anywhere” implies that you have or had a thing with James or that you care about him. THIS is not true. Telling James you don’t’ THINK you should be together and that he will PROBABLY never be your boyfriend is game playing and not fair. How about if you tell JAMES the truth… we will NEVER be a couple, I don’t want to have anything with you at all. Honey he’s not even a FRIEND. He’s a user.
You are leading JAMES on, why are you doing that? James can TRY to ruin your reputation al he wants, why are you giving him such power? Why is what JAMES wants more important than what YOU want?
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A
female
reader, Cherrybomb13 +, writes (23 April 2013):
Cherrybomb13 is verified as being by the original poster of the questionJames has told all of our mutual friends that I am off limits. Ted and James are like brothers, and I don't think he wants to betray him. Ted thinks me and James are together, or something like that. I tell Ted that my thing with James isn't going anywhere, but I don't think he believes me. In my mind, James is just a friend that I find physically attractive. I have told James I don't think we should be together and that he will probably never be my boyfriend. He thinks I am saying that just because I am rushing to be in a relationship with him. When truth is, I don't want a relationship with him at all. James is very egotistical and will try to ruin my reputation if I cut him off. Id like to remain friends with him, but I know it'd make Ted's life super hard if I got with him. James really doesnt want anyone else to have me.
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A
female
reader, So_Very_Confused +, writes (22 April 2013):
If the only reason Ted is not dating you is because of James then just tell James NO the next time he comes looking for free stuff. He may get mad but OH WELL.... he's not your boyfriend, you are not dating him or having a relationship with him.
what does Ted think is going on with James that prevents him from dating you?
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A
female
reader, Tisha-1 +, writes (22 April 2013):
James isn't a boyfriend, he's a mooch, a leech. Just stop providing him the cash and the freebie tattoos and I expect he'll move on to the next girl. Is there some reason you can't simply tell him you aren't into him any more and want to end the relationship?
With Ted, one day when you are eating a meal with him, ask him in a light and happy tone, "so, when are you going to ask me out?" And smile. And wait.
If he takes you up on it, he likes you back. If he just lets it drop, he doesn't like you that way. Is there some reason you can't just ask Ted out?
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A
female
reader, Got Issues +, writes (21 April 2013):
You could always ask him how he feels. It's the only way you'll know for sure. If he is worried about James's feelings then you have to respect that and not try to put pressure on him.
And stop giving James free tattoos. If he has racked up a grand's worth of tattoos from you that is your fault because you know he can't pay for them but keep doing them for him.
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