A
female
age
,
anonymous
writes:Having been celibate for a long time, I met a guy I really like. The attraction between us is incredible but he will not give in to it as he thinks I have 'issues' (true!) and to see problems develop as a relationship grows is one thing but he feels it is pointless to start if there is a big issue he cannot tolerate. I understand and respect this BUT don't think he should ignore our chemistry. He won't see me as he says it is too tempting. My argument is that he could meet his 'perfect tick all the right boxes woman' and then not desire her anyway. How can I get him to overcome his principles and self control and give us a chance or am I wasting my time?
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reader, anonymous, writes (2 June 2010): This is verified as being by the original poster of the questionThanks for the advice. I suppose I should have been a little more specific. We met via internet dating. E-mailed then chatted quite a lot before meeting and neither expected our reaction to each other but he somehow missed the fact that I smoke and that is the deal-breaker. He casts no moral judgement just cannot tolerate it.
A
female
reader, DrPsych +, writes (2 June 2010):
 I think the operative words here are 'wasting MY time'. If he is finding fault with you already then the relationship would be doomed. If anyone has issues then it is him by the sounds of things. I appreciate that the prospect of some bedroom action may seem exciting right now, but any person who makes such a calculated decision about dating is not a good prospect for your future happiness! It is probably the case that he has had bad relationships in the past and perhaps he hasn't recovered from this yet. He wishes to close himself off from relationships at this stage in his life. Don't try to change his mind - just accept that any man who is that critical of you from the start is just not worth the effort!
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A
female
reader, YouWish  +, writes (1 June 2010):
 Are you pressuring him to have sex with you? if his principles are such that he doesn't want a sexual relationship, tell him that you two won't have one, and that you want to get to know him better as a person.
Otherwise, CaringGuy is right. You can't change him, and his principles are part of what is attracting you to him.
What does he say is your "issue"? Is it the sex thing, or is it something else??
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (1 June 2010): What issue do you have? I think he is bs-ing you. He sounds real weird. Don't waiste your time on him.
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A
male
reader, CaringGuy +, writes (1 June 2010):
He thinks you have 'issues'. What a charming man! Basically, you're asking how to change a man. Sorry, it can't be done. There us no way of getting him to overcome his principles. Either he's interested and is worth your time, or he's not. And he's just not worth your time.
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