A
female
age
30-35,
*mmyem
writes:Hi, I posted a question last weekend but I'm still really interested in hearing some advice on my situation. Things have changed a little in the meantime.Basically, I've fallen for a guy I met early this year in the US. He believes we can be together, but now I've told him we're not going to be a thing, as much as that hurts for me to accept. I had a meeting this week about applying for my master's degree and I've decided to do it. If I get it, then I won't graduate until 2021 and then I'll be all set up to become a teacher in Ireland. Moving to the US is just not even a possibility for me, and as I said before, he is setting up a business over there so he won't be going anywhere either. I know breaking off this thing between us is the practical thing to do. We can't carry on like this, because it will only lead to more hurting.Problem is, he just will not accept that. He says nothing that's worth having in life comes easily, and we will find a way to make a relationship work, so long as we love each other. I still haven't said I love him because I don't want to make things worse, but I really think I do...and I think he's aware of that.He says I can have as much time as I need, but we're meant to be together and at some point we will be. In a way I'm glad that he doesn't seem to be crushed and heartbroken, but where do I go from here? I am still scared that if I totally cut off all contact (for longer than the usual few weeks I described last time) that the heartbreak will happen then eventually and he'll be alone and won't be able to deal with it. He seems so confident but he's been abandoned and hurt many times in his life and this is the first time he's fallen for a girl, and this is what comes of it... I never wanted to do this to him, but until I made the decision that I want to stay in Ireland for good, it felt like maybe there was a slim chance for us... What can I do or say now to help us both move on?
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reader, anonymous, writes (25 November 2018): The reality of life speaks for itself. You can fantasize and tell yourself anything you like. He's not giving anything up and plans to stay grounded in the US. What he's hoping is that you'll give-up your dreams and come to HIM. Like most women do.
You say your final good-bye and move on. You go no contact and stop playing drama queen to his drama king. All that Hallmark card rhetoric is nice to hear, but you're not children living in a fairy-tale. You have your plans for your education and he is setting-up his business in the United States.
Keep dragging this out. Lets see who completes their plans; and who gives-up on theirs. He expects the woman to delay her dreams first. Isn't that often the case?
A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (25 November 2018): I don't like the fact that he is saying 'you can have as much time as you need'. What does he mean by this? As much time as you need to do what? The only thing that I can imagine this means is, that he's willing to wait for you to be ready to move to America. Tell him that if he wants you both to be together so much that he will have to move to Ireland because that is where YOUR life is. You are ready and willing to move on from him, but he doesn't want to give up on it. Fine, except....it sounds to me as if he is wanting you and also expecting YOU to fit in with HIM. And move to America at some point. Make it clear that however much time he gives you, that you will never want to uproot your life to move to America and that he will need to change his plans to suit. This way he will either realise that this is not what he wants or he will accommodate you and you can both be together. You really haven't known him for very long, so I absolutely agree that you stick to your plans. Imagine if you gave in and moved there, to find that he isn't all you thought? Or he seemed? Far too risky and not something that you want to do anyway. So....the balls in his court. If he wants this SO much, then see if he will play. If not, then you can both move on. And by the way, HIS heartbreak is NOT your concern. He will cope. People do. It is not something that you have to sacrifice yourself over. Good luck.
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