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female
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anonymous
writes:I am 20 years old, just started going out with my bf who is 25. However, my mum doesnt really seem to approve. Its not because of the age gap though. I think its more to do with a few other things. My mum can be pretty judgemental and she assumes alot about people based on there looks etc. She thinks I can do better than him because in her opinion, hes not that good looking. She thinks becuase I'm a model that I should be with someone else who has model good looks. But the thing is I dont care about it!! Im not shallow like that. And I think my bf is good looking, might not be perfect model material, but he is perfect in my eyes. He also drinks when he drives. He isnt drunk, he is under the standard limit which you can legally have for while driving, yet my mum is really against this. This part Im quite torn on. I can understand my mums worries, yet at the same time, what hes doing is completely legal, yet I guess its more a question of is it morally right? Im not sure if alcohol effects his driving or not because the times ive been in his car, hes always had 2 drinks. I admit, hes a bit slack when driving, doesnt indicate if theres no other cars around and changes lanes without looking, once again when its late at night and there are no cars on the road. This does worry me a bit, but I havent told my mum because I dont want to give her any more reasons not to like him. There are quite a few other reasons why she doesnt like him, but to me they all seem to be meaningless reasons. It hurts me so much that she doesnt like him because I like him so much. Her opinion matters alot and I have always trusted it, as shes my mum, so for her to not like him, makes me worry, because shes my mum and 'shes always right'. I just want her approval. But she has never reall approved of any of my ex bf's before. However, I she did have reasons not to like them, as they were both abusive to me. I dont know if I should trust my mums opinion or not. She doesnt really know him, but maybe her gut is right? How can I get her to like him? How do I deal with being in a relationship which she doesnt approve of? I still live at home because im studying full time at university, so what she thinks and does etc, does effect my life in a big way.
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reader, anonymous, writes (20 June 2009): This is verified as being by the original poster of the questionQuirkLady-
Thanks for sending me that link. Wow...its really got me thinking about alot of things he has done and how maybe he is abusive and I thought he was so perfect...
Number 2, is def right about the money. Number 9 about drunk driving is debatable, he drives while having drunk alchol but he is within the legal limit...yet his driving isnt very good. And he purposly (even when sober) drives fast. Number 14- this is interesting because he does ask me for my opinion on alot of things he does and sometimes I do feel like maybe its because hes too lazy to make his own decisions. Hes been doing that since the day I met him, which I thought was weird that he would give me, his new 1 day old gf the decision of whether or not he should get a tattoo.
Number 28- he doesnt have an ex wife, but this reminded me or something. His ex gf was married. WHen he first told me in his oh so proud voice he said 'my last relationship was an affair with a married women', i was in shock and asked him if that means he thinks cheating is ok etc...and he said no, it wasnt cheating because she was seperated from her husband, getting a divorce. I dont know if i should believe him or not because they way he worded it originaly implied she was still with her husband, therefore making it an affair. Somehow I think when i responded to him he freaked out and tried to change the meaning in what he said.
Number 51- so he hasnt pressured me for sex, infact he hasnt even asked for it, so this part gives me hope.
Number 67- Last week I had my final uni exams, 4 exams in 5 days. So i told him in advance I would be busy studying and that although I love seeing him and spending time with him, I coudlnt see him for those 5 days. This only happens twice a year that I have exams. I didnt think I was asking that much of him. Its not like this happens on a regular basis, only twice a year. And besides, i would still talk to him every day on the phone. He said it was ok, yet he kept messaging me during my exams asking if he could see me. I stood my ground and then when I finally saw him at the end of my exams he said 5 days is too long, that he wants to see me more and that he just cant work with only seeing me 5 days a week. I felt like he was being quite selfish because its like he completely forgot that I had my exams and that it doesnt happen all the time. I re explained that it only happens twice a year.
Finally, one other thing that happened last night that has me now worried.
He asked me back to his house after dinner to watch a movie, I said yes. So we were watching some movies, and by about 2am I said I was really tired and he looked tired too, so I should probably go home. He asked me to stay the night. I said I didnt think that was a good idea, that I should probably go home. He said 'awww please, nothing will happen, you can just sleep here, i just want to hold you'. I continued to say no. Then he said in a cranky voice 'well who is going to drive you home?' This made me so mad! He made me feel guilty for having to ask him to drive me home when that was already planned. It was his idea earlier in the night to pick me up, take me to dinner and take me to his house to watch a movie. I said i could call my mum at 2am in the monring but she wouldnt be too happy, so he rolled his eyes and said fine he would take me home, but if i would stya he woudlnt have to do that.
I felt like it was his way of trying to pressure and control me. Its like suddenly I was under his control because he knew i wouldnt want to wake my mum up so early.
A
female
reader, QuirkLady  +, writes (20 June 2009):
 I think this would be a good list for you to read.
http://www.heartless-bitches.com/rants/manipulator/redflaglist.shtml
Not all abuse is physical....
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reader, anonymous, writes (20 June 2009): I agree with the aunts. You know it has been said and is most often true. Your parents would more often than not be a better judge of who is great for you than you are, they can actually pick better an than you because they know you, love you and have your best intersts at heart.
Often we rebel against our parents without really realizing that we are doing it because we want to be our own persons, sometimes this really does lead to bad choices because we are trying to live out some childhood wound, some issue that we need to work out for ourselves.
We pick people who tap into those old issues, they are wrong for us, but we are attracted to them for the wrong reasons, we want the story to turn out right for the first time in our lives. Problem is, it won't turn out right for obvious reasons, they are not right for us on any level.
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reader, anonymous, writes (20 June 2009): This is verified as being by the original poster of the questionAsk oldersister-
No he doesnt have a history.
I understand those can all be signs of an abuser, but part of me has such a good gut feeling about him because he hasnt EVER tried to pressure me into sex or anything like that. And I really respect him for that. My ex abusive bf's tried to pressure me into sex, and I can beguin to explain how degraded it made me feel. And now I feel so amazing and respected because my new bf hasnt done that. But then again...I guess with all abusers they put on an act for a certain period of time, could be possible hes holding off on that card for a while.
We have been going out for just over a month.
Tisha-1- Yeah I know eveyrone does judge to a certain extent someones looks, but I guess it bothered me at first because I felt like that was all she was judging him by.
Do you think he thinks of my mum as being inferior, because she doesnt work? I think I know the answer to that question...I just dont want to accept it, I want to find reasons/excuses for it...
I so badly want this relationship to work because of what I said above, in hows hes respected me as far as sex goes. That means alot to me.
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female
reader, Tisha-1 +, writes (20 June 2009):
 I'm with Oldersister on this. What she said 100%.
In defense of your mom on this "superficial" thing; making a judgement about somebody because of the way they look happens all the time. Very few people see someone and then meet them without forming some opinion based on the 'cues' that person displays. Personal grooming and dress are choices made by the individual and I think actually can tell you a bit about that person. It doesn't tell you if someone is nice, or trustworthy, or jealous and controlling, or those kinds of character traits, but it can tell you if someone doesn't feel good about themselves, or wants to stand out from or blend into the 'crowd.'
So maybe there's something about your boyfriend that your mother doesn't like but just can't put her finger on, so she comes up with rather lame "superficial" observations about him. I always knew when my mother didn't like a boy; she didn't come out and say it, but it would subtly emerge in the way she spoke about him and dealt with him. It really irritates me even now that she was pretty much right on all of them.
Based on what you've said about him, he has no interest in getting your mother's respect because he doesn't think she has any status. Now it could be that we have this backward, and your boyfriend is denigrating housewives because he knows she doesn't like him and he's trying to undermine the validity of her opinion.
But I go back to those little red flags Oldersister has identified. He's not sounding promising to me.
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reader, anonymous, writes (20 June 2009): This is verified as being by the original poster of the questionTisha-1 -Yes I posted that question too. I should of put them together, but both things came to mind at different times.
Ask oldersister- See thats the thing with my mum, its hard to tell because she can be quite superficial and picky, yet at the same time, she is good at picking out abusive type people. Yet, my dad was abusive, so she wasnt too good when she was young at picking them out.
The more I think about this relationship, the more im agreeing with my mum. Yet you are right, I am in defence mode, I dont want to believe it and I want to defend him.
Another thing, we went driving up this mountain one day to see this look-out. And most of the time he was driving sensibly, slowly etc...Then out of now where, he decides to change gears and puts his foot down really fast, then he slammed his brakes on because we came to a sharp bend, and he said 'that was my thrill for the day'. I dont know if he was trying to impress me? But it scared me. I was in shock and didnt know what to say. My ex bf's were like that, dangerous driving, but tht doesnt mean my new bf is abusive does it just because he doesnt drive safely? Most young guys my age I know drive like that to show off to people, so part of me thinks its normal, even though I feel really scareed when it happens.
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female
reader, Tisha-1 +, writes (20 June 2009):
Hi, did you post this question too? http://www.dearcupid.org/question/my-boyfriend-looks-down-on-housewives-and-it.html
I ask because it seems to me that the two questions would be related. He doesn't like her, she doesn't like him. What's the origin of the tension?
[I'm guessing it's the same poster because of the age matches as well as the flag and no age range given in the profile]
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