A
male
age
41-50,
anonymous
writes:I broke up with my girl and I feel terrible. I told her not to lie to me and she lied to me 3 months ago and I kicked her out of my house. After 4 days apart, we made up and the relationship was going beautifully again. She assured me she would never lie again. We love each other very much and were treating each other great until a few days ago when I caught her in a major lie. I was so hurt that I started immaturely calling her hurtful names and asked her to leave because I could no longer trust her. She pleaded for a talk but I was so emotionally hurt I just stormed out the house. When I came back, she was already gone.We exchanged rare texts on New Years Eve when she said she loves me and wish we spent the night together.I asked her to go to dinner a week ago so we can talk but she said we had a chance to talk but I decided to call her names instead. She said she couldn't handle seeing me. After that, we didnt contact each other and the only time she sent me a text was to let me know her daughter was sick.Looking back, although she lied, I didn't treat her with the respect she deserved, and I now feel she was walking on eggshells because she was afraid to get kicked out. I am embarrassed and disappointed in myself for calling her the names that I did. I realize I made huge mistakes but I have no idea how to repair the situation. The girl loved me very much and I have all the love of the world for her.I am lost without her and I need advice on how to remedy this situation if it's not too late. Thanks all.
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reader, anonymous, writes (6 January 2012): I have been where you are. How can you trust a liar? You cant.
A
male
reader, anonymous, writes (6 January 2012): You called her horrible names because her dishonesty provokes you. Respect has to go two ways and she disrespects you equally. Stop blaming yourself. She is a liar.
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A
male
reader, anonymous, writes (6 January 2012): You went through this before. She lied again, because thats what liars do. What you need to do is keep her kicked out and not contact her again. Thats the only way you wont hear any more of her lies.
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A
male
reader, Advice_man +, writes (6 January 2012):
 Don't fall into her trap! Women like to play these silly games when they know they have the power over you. You are saying "I am lost without her..." and be 100% sure that she knows it, she sences it and she takes advantage of it! She has the power over you.
So even though she is the one who messed things up the first place, she is trying to make YOU feel guilty about it. If she truly loved you she would appreciate your attempt to talk things out. So what? You called her bad names but she triggered it, she said major lies. Because you love her you feel guilty, you forgave her and you are being resonable and mature enough to ask her to have a little chat and solve out this missunderstanding. Sorry man but I see very little wrongdoing on your side. You love her but you are also seem to be a man with self respect and dignity and you couldn't tollerate her behavior and that's why you got so upset. Don't allow her to make you feel guilty for something that she is accountable for most of the blame. Best wishes!
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reader, anonymous, writes (6 January 2012): http://www.dearcupid.org/question/i-kicked-her-out-but-i-want-her.html
So you keep mentioning she had to live by conditions. What conditions did you have to live by?
Was anger management one of them? Was it made clear that if she lied to you, you would kick her out? Does the 'punishment' fit the crime?
Is she lying about when she was single from you and the relationship terminated and what went on? Are you faulting her for that? Do you think thats fair?
YOu keep saying you loved and she loved but how is kicking someone out and being verbally abusive to her love?
I think she is showing some wisdom and restraint by staying away as you turn verbally abusive and threatening when you don't get your way.
Think that is healthy and instills trust in her to take what you have to say seriously?
You don't seem to be trustworthy either Sir Poster. Your anger issues are out of control. Most people who have anger issues seek and find and create situations to become angry at/over. Its a form of control and its addicting behaviour.
If your GF knows you have a hair trigger anger/rage issue and that even honesty will set you off- she will take the risk of telling a lie to not be abused by your rage/hurt. Thus creating the whole YOU LIED TO ME HOW DARE YOU @#%*&$@#*&% cycle of abuse.
You might think that venting your anger is healthy, that the people around you are too sensitive, that your anger is justified, or that you need to show your fury to get respect. But the truth is that anger is much more likely to damage your relationships, impair your judgment, get in the way of success, and have a negative impact on the way people see you.
Out-of-control anger hurts your physical health.
Constantly operating at high levels of stress and tension is bad for your health. Chronic anger makes you more susceptible to heart disease, diabetes, high cholesterol levels, a weakened immune system, insomnia, and high blood pressure.
Out-of-control anger hurts your mental health.
Chronic anger consumes huge amounts of mental energy and clouds your thinking, making it harder to concentrate, see the bigger picture, and enjoy life. It can also lead to stress, depression, and other mental health problems.
Out-of-control anger hurts your career.
Constructive criticism, creative differences, and heated debate can be healthy. But lashing out only alienates your colleagues, supervisors, or clients and erodes their respect. What’s more, a bad reputation can follow you wherever you go, making it harder and harder to get ahead.
Out-of-control anger hurts your relationships with others.
It causes lasting scars in the people you love most and gets in the way of your friendships and work relationships. Chronic, intense anger makes it hard for others to trust you, speak honestly, or feel comfortable—they never know what is going to set you off or what you will do. Explosive anger is especially damaging to children.
~http://helpguide.org/mental/anger_management_control_tips_techniques.htm
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reader, anonymous, writes (6 January 2012): "The girl loved me very much and I have all the love of the world for her."
...but she still repeatedly lied to you.
While you might be personally embarrassed that you called her names, I can understand your anger and I understand why you broke up with her (and should stay apart.)
Here's what I see from your post: she emotionally manipulates you. She emphasizes her victim-hood so that you overlook your own: she might say she was "walking on egg shells" in the past or that you "disrespected" her....or letting you know when her children are sick to wring out guilt and empathy in you.
You are also being used and abused here, not just her.
If you really have pangs of consciousness about calling her names, then call her up, apologize about it. If you have control issues with woman, seek therapy, but your regret for your behavior now does not mean getting back with her is a sound idea.
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A
reader, anonymous, writes (6 January 2012): I am in a similar situation with my gf having a history of lying to me. After the last major lie i cant bring myself to trust her at all and i have become paranoid and suspicious of her every action. its hard for me because i love her so much but at every turn i will be snappy with her simply because of what she has done to me. its not healthy for either of us to be in this situation there are really only two options thought i have come to realise.1. decide to give her your full trust and start fresh, have an honest talk about each others expectations, wants, needs and why she lied in the first place and how you can make sure it doesnt happen again.2. if you cant forgive and trust her then its not healthy for either of you and its time to move on
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