A
male
age
51-59,
anonymous
writes:Hi Ive been with my wife for 7 years its not all been roses she had an affair after the second year. We got back together and I forgave her, but things have never been the same. Most of the time i feel inadequate and she constantly critises the things i do. I seem to lack self esteem. I never used to be like this.We talk through our problems, and i tell her all my thoughts.How can i get back my self esteem?
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affair, got back together, self esteem Reply to this Question
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male
reader, anonymous, writes (24 March 2008): Just pull back a little bit. Create a little distance. This will allow you to find yourself again and have a little bit more freedom in the relationship. Don't shut her out totally, but just take a few steps back. Obtain and maintain your optimism. Don't let her bring you down. With the space you've created you now have room to tell yourself better things about yourself. This is important because life will throw all kinds of punches at you anyway right? So you gotta remember to tell yourself the opposite of what all those "critics" out there are saying; even if you don't believe what you're telling yourself. Say it anyway. And just start taking notes, or keeping a log of things that you do to make things better. Remember there's no advice like your own advice, because no one knows your situation as well as you do! So take all these things into account and just try to stay up. O and most all pray. There's no help like the love of Jesus Christ. So just try it out man and see what you come up with. Hang in there.
A
male
reader, Paladin  +, writes (21 March 2008):
 The primary issue here is not about your wife or the way she talks to you. Its about you and the way you feel about yourself. Please understand I am not defending her or her actions as I like you would be bothered by what she has done as well as what she says to you.
The interesting thing about self esteem is that it is about "self" and only you control that. No one can make you feel any way you don't want to feel or currently feel on your own. Sure you can have momentary depressions, everyone has those but that is not a self esteem issue. So, the issue here is what should you do about the way you feel about yourself. I suggest you get a piece of paper and make two columns. One for what you like about yourself and the other for the things you would like to change. Once you finish that you know what you need to do to get yourself back on track. By the way this should be a private list and therefore I would expect you would be totally honest regarding what you write.
Regarding your wife and your marriage your the one that will have to decide if its worth the effort. I can only say that respect is a critical part of any relationship and if you feel you are respected then you will need to move on. It sounds like you care more about her than she cares about you. When relationships get like this the unfortuate thing is that the one who cares the most loses. I think its time to think a bit more about yourself right now. Become more independant and who know she may just wake up and realize that she could lose you. Right now she may just think you will just take what ever she dishes out.
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A
male
reader, anonymous, writes (21 March 2008): Leave her she's bad for your health. You say you tell her all your thoughts, i don't think this is healthy. In the wrong hands they can be used to manipulate, this sounds like whats happening to me. Youve tried your best mate throw the towel in before you develop mental health problems,this gal ain't for you.
Good luck
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A
female
reader, AuntYvi  +, writes (21 March 2008):
It might be worth joining a Jym and getting some endorphins into your body.
If she's critises you its because she can't say something to you. Your able to tell her your problems but what are hers?
Be ready to hear some painful home truths and try and hear her out. Remember, try and get the truth out no matter what you hear. Sometime these criticisms might be pointing right back at her own faults. Talk everyones faults through and see what happens.....
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A
male
reader, LazyGuy  +, writes (21 March 2008):
 People keep using the word "forgive" without understanding its full meaning.
It also seems to indicate that it means the incident should be over and done with.
Well, you are proof that isn't the case. You claim you forgave her, but haven't. You are still hurting from her cheating and that is affecting your self-image.
How can you be confident in yourself if your woman goes to another man for .... well did you ever find out what she was after?
Exactly how did the affair come out and just what was her attitude back then? Was the affair even ended by her or did she end it because it was about to be discovered and she didn't want to loose the marriage. For what reasons did she not want to end the marriage?
Why didn't you? Why did you give her a second chance?
What you probably have to do is go back to the affair and one way or another work it out because it is still affecting the two of you.
Can she be thinking less of you because you accepted the affair to easily and just took her back? Is that how you see yourselve?
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