A
female
age
36-40,
anonymous
writes:How can I grow to love myself? I'm a 31 year old woman that on the outiside seems to have the artificial stuff- good jobs- looks - family- love but inside I'm hurting. I would say sadly the only thing I am missing is the guy. I've been with one guy 5 years who was my first and verbally abused me to the point where I've had it and left and then one recently who never really paid attention to me- it's come to my understanding through therapy that I romanticize love and view it as a way to solve my problems - sadly this is not the case cause these two men left me broken and I was not only a pushover but I was just too nice . I now realize that I have to change and guard myself from these types of men- does anyone have any tips on how to love myself?I have sworn off dating. I tried online and that didn't work and Im just spending time alone and in therapy. Does anyone have any coping mechanism? I sometimes try to go back and wonder if I had done this if I had done that and my therapist says if I don't stop blaming myself for their wrong doings the next guy will treat me the same- it saddens me deeply that you could give your heart and honesty to someone and people hurt you- but I guess I have to be guarded- I guess when someone comes along I get so scared no one else will come that I pour myself into the relationship- any tips to love myself and protect myself ? Reply to this Question
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male
reader, anonymous, writes (10 October 2016): hindsight is a wonderful thing! Armed with the information from the future you look back and wonder if only i'd known that at the time ,then it wouldve all been so different!Butyou didnt know and it ended up as a learning experience. The zen answer is to learn to move on.So if you loose a person to the other side you learn to accept spirit and you know life goes on but spirit is all seeing and all knowing!So it is with growing up from childhood to adulthood.You learn new skills and you understand that you are not perfect and nor is anyone else. Infact some people personnify outright evil even though they initially present as evil.I would say that therapy is good for you as you are slowly carving out a new you.Regarding your former relationships i think you should understand that abusive people are intentionally abusive.So you might as well accept that these people think they could be abusive to you and try to convince you that this was love.They did it to suit themselves rather like a landowner intentionally opening a dam above a village because they get more money for a flooded valley.It wouldbe no good moaning about sunken houses and lost goods because they didnt have a choice when survival meant fleeing.Emotionally you lost abit but you are still intact and alive to tell the tale, wheras many are not.Try to consider different qualities in a man , like kindness and companiability and how he leaves you feeling. This is a good starter.Would he make a good dad for your kids.Let his character be an important factor.While you have the spotlight on yourself taking the blame for his lousy actions you need to swivel the light around and blame him by telling yourself 'I do not need this!'
A
female
reader, Honeypie +, writes (10 October 2016):
 I think we often gravitate towards the type of person we "think" we deserve. For women (and men) who have been in abusive relationships, the standard becomes lower and lower.
TRYING really hard to be nice and be the "perfect" GF will give you and the guy a false image of the relationship because YOU are putting on an act, you aren't being you. You aren't letting the other person LOVE you. All the while bits of pieces will shine through, but not enough to make you seem genuine.
Having been through a crappy relationship, childhood, the past is not a badge of honor. IT doesn't make a person "special" or makes a person need "special" treatment and care. That is called life. Yes, some have been dealt a shittier set of cards than others and again, THAT is life.
Your therapist IS right. UNTIL you can let go of the past. To go from victim to survivor that shitty past will always hang over you and every relationship you enter. If you make the presumption that things will be perfect if you "overlook" a new partner's "shortcomings" - basically ignore red flags, bad treatment etc. nothing will change.
Doing the same thing OVER and OVER expecting a different outcome is futile.
It's good that you are getting help in working on yourself in therapy. Not dating a while is fine. But I don't think isolating yourself from men (in particular) is helpful. Why not join some adult cooking classes, a hiking group, something you are passionate about - SOCIALIZE with other peers, men, AND women. (and no, I don't mean for this to become a place where you can look for potential dates, but for it to be a place where you CAN be yourself around others. Where you don't have to drag up your past and relive it over and over around others, JUST be you).
There is no instant fix here. And you CAN be a complete person without having a BF.
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A
male
reader, Xearo  +, writes (10 October 2016):
In the past I was mean to a very nice lady. I said many things I didn't mean. She was nice to me, but I never felt like she was truly genuine. We never communicated properly and I was angered by her 'wanting' to keep the peace. Obviously it did not work out.
I was also with another lady who became very mean to me. I was nice to her in every way and in the end she cheated on me and left me in the gutter.
I think a part of life is realizing that you have to be yourself. A relationship is not about being nice and showering someone with overbearing love. Most people just want each other to be themselves, and communicate like any couple would. Being too nice encourages people to take advantage of you and that is called human nature.
So understanding those things can help you to not blame yourself. Don't blame anything. The relationships just didn't work out. I am sure you are lovely, beautiful person who has a lot going on, but don't let a few bad apples ruin your own happiness. If you meet someone cool, then that's nice. If not then whatever, he wasn't good for you and that's all there is to that. If you meet someone new and he's showing red flags, kick him to the curb.
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