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male
age
51-59,
anonymous
writes: When I was sixteen I left a school dance early and walked up on a guy I knew holding a shotgun on another guy I knew. I walked by and pretended like I didn't see anything. The dance let out and the boy with the gun got in his truck and left. The police were already at the dance and questioned me. I told them I didn't see anything. A couple of years later the boy with the shotgun murdered one of my friends and went to prison. It's been 30 years and I can't forgive myself for not doing the right thing. I feel like if I could have just said something he would have been arrested then. I'm overcome with guilt and shame. How can I forgive myself? Reply to this Question
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female
reader, fishdish  +, writes (10 September 2015):
 I mean...I'm an adult and I still might have made the same decisions you made. Who knows what kinds of consequences different actions would have had? This person who obviously has a violent, unpredictable streak, and you have to tell people, yea I saw him hold up a guy with it? I wouldn't want to be that person either. Let's say you told. What if the guy wasn't caught, or was caught, made bail and came after you? Or that same guy? What if he was convicted, was made worse in prison, and went on a spree to kill MORE than one person? I think my prevailing thought is, we don't even know if saying what you saw WOULD have been the right thing. We don't know if it would have saved a life. And maybe it seems weird, but I think it's my hope in the good in people, that I wouldn't connect that this person would do this again, let alone pull the trigger. I don't think I necessarily would put two and two together. Because I would want to see this as a one-off, as an anomaly.
What you did was very normal. There is a youtube channel I recently watched about the likelihood of people taking action when they hear or see someone is in danger. It is not uncommon to walk away. And that's disturbing on one level, this kind of dissociation from danger is not what something we as a society want to attribute to as a human tendency, the hope is that we help others more because we consider ourselves higher than animals, but the response is a natural inclination.
I think it's instinctive to avert yourself from danger as natural fight or flight technique. That temptation is compelling. And, as you can probably tell from the beginning of my response, it is the way I lean. I'm not proud of it,but that doesn't make it an UNNATURAL response, we are still mammals with survival as a goal. I actually think helping others is probably LESS intuitive for that reason, but that's what makes brave acts very unique, extraordinary and laudable. Am I getting off track? Probably.
You did what you thought was best at the time. There are a hundred million little factors that likely went into the moment your friend was shot by this person..the time of day, the last things they said to each other, thousands just on what was going on in this man's mind around this time. Your actions are but one little speck in that sea of factors. Your actions didn't kill your friend, this man killed your friend. I don't necessarily believe in fate, but you can't control the actions of another. I have someone in my life who watched his father walk out of his home with a shotgun, and my friend had to go identify his father's body at the morgue several hours later. My friend didn't have a lot of control of the circumstances. He said don't go, his father left, and he died. People set out to do what they want to do and our influence only impacts so much when the thing that person wants to do is so radical as to take a life. If it wasn't someone you knew, it may very likely have been someone else.
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reader, anonymous, writes (9 September 2015): You were a kid of 16! You don't know what the outcome could have been. Your presence hindered what could have happened; because the guy left. He pointed a gun at someone; and it wasn't necessarily in self-defense. He was likely to kill someone, and my dear man; it just as easily could have been you, or a member of your family.
It's not expected of a kid of 16 to know the right thing to do or say. You were scared and confused. It may have been the safest reaction at the time.
He is the murderer. You cannot foresee what he would have done; even if he went to prison that very night. You have put yourself through all this, and you are in no way to blame.
That murderer took a life, and he was determined at some point in time to be a killer. If the threat of life in prison or worse didn't deter his actions; what could you have done to prevent it? All you could have done was tell the officer what you saw. There is always a moment of shame we cannot; shake believing we could have deterred an outcome that may have always been inevitable. You have absolutely no evidence that things would have turned out any differently.
These were two separate incidents at two different times. Telling the police doesn't mean it would have stopped him from killing your friend, At any point in time, for whatever reason he had for doing it. These were incidents beyond your control.
Sir, your guilt will not bring your friend back, nor undo what has happened. You must get grief counseling; so you can move on with your life. The killer is where he belongs, and you cannot be so certain you could have done anything that would have made any difference in the turn of events.
The kind of guilt you've carried all these years usually manifests in alcoholism, post traumatic stress, or drug addiction. Are you a victim of any these maladies? You must seek professional help before it does become a problem for you. The burden of guilt you've held all these years is not healthy, nor is it necessary. I am certain it has somehow caused you difficulty in getting through life. You should consider getting help. Please don't blame yourself.
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A
female
reader, Honeypie +, writes (8 September 2015):
 You were 16. At some point in time you have to find some forgiveness for yourself.
Had he been arrested back then he might STILL have killed the other guy. YOU didn't pull the trigger. Maybe if you had said something event would have unfolded differently. You can't live in a "wish I had" world. You do or you don't and in this case, you didn't. Doesn't mean you ARE responsible for the shooters actions. EVER.
When I was 15 I was at a party, people were drinking and being quite stupid, so I left. I sort of felt left out because I wasn't into boys (or girls) or making out when I was 15. One of my friends was raped that night, at that party. I didn't know till 10 years later. She never told. Mostly because she thought it was her fault. She had been drunk (or drugged), she had worn a short skirt. SHE knew all the "victim blaming" tropes. And she didn't WANT anyone to know. Now I didn't come to the party with her, she came with other friends. But I do wish I had known she was as drunk as she apparently was. (semi unconscious). I wish I could have prevented it. She didn't blame anyone for what happened except the perpetrator.
If you are religious, maybe talk to a pastor/rabbi/priest? If you are not, maybe find someone to talk it though.
http://www.giftfromwithin.org/html/Guilt-Following-Traumatic-Events.html
Or you can find a charity group who help families of gun/violence victims and volunteer.
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