A
female
age
36-40,
anonymous
writes:This question is about sexual fantasies, alcohol, and a mistake that may have jeopardized my fiance's trust in me. My fiance' and I are getting married in June. We are both in professional school, 25 years old, and live 1 hour apart because we go to different schools. My parents have also disowned me because he and I are from different religions, culture, and race. I thought I had been dealing with the sadness of being disowned pretty well, until a few nights ago. Also, I grew up the middle east where I didn't have male friends, I didn't have co-ed school until I moved back to the US for college. Here is some sex background about us since sex does play a big role in the situation: He likes it when I get drunk because I get hypersexual; normally he has to beg me to do certain things or talk dirty. Usually in this scenerio I would go out with my close friends and get a little drunk. When I would come home he would be waiting for me and we would have some crazy sex! Howeverwe never go out drinking, dancing, and partying together because I never felt the need. I guess I was worried he wouldn't like the way I acted. Since I met him I have learned to drink in moderation, but in college I was kind of a mess and had one blackout so I stopped alcohol for a long time.Some background about school - everyone in my class (of 23 people- we spend like 8 hours a day together in class so we really know each other well) drink a lot and party all the time. I have went to a few of these parties but never took my FI with me. I also never got as drunk as I did the other night. I did go to one of these class parties and the way I acted was unacceptable. I didn't even plan on going to this party, but I thought I would be around people who cared about me. As the night went on, people were flirting and hitting on each other, some people single, a few married, or in long term relationships. This is part of the reason I avoided these parties because a few people seemed to have no respect for other people's relationships. So here is what happened (1) a guy in my class carried me around until I asked him to put me down (2) another guy who is notorious for hitting on taken women pulled me into his lap even after i told him I was engaged and showed him my ring. i sat in his lap for a minute because I felt really thrilled about the attention then got up and left (3) i grabbed a close female friends boobs and had a conversation with her about how beautiful boobs are, then some guys asked me to show mine and I felt confused and ended up leaving the party. I got home safely and immediately called my fiance'. I told him I was horny (I didn't feel aroused I just felt dirty and excited) so I told him I got a lot of attention from a few guys and I felt sexy and I wanted him to skype with me so that we can have intimate time (we do this often because of distance). We are very open about sex; we watch porn together, we talk about our fantasies, and I'll occasionally things for him that don't exactly turn me on and vice versa. I wanted to show him a good time and that is why I called him.The next morning he was upset because he had some time to think about what happened. I was afraid he was going to leave me. We talked and he was upset because I never go out and party with him like that. He was upset because he wanted to be the guy whose lap on sat on. He doesn't understand why I don't drink with him, go dancing with him, and be the guy I flirt with when I am drunk. So we agreed that we could make our sex life more interest and incorporate some of the things we liked from the other night. Like drinking together, or role playing like he is a stranger I've never met.However, we agree that I shouldn't have drank when I was depressed and feeling self-destructive (it lead to me drinking out of control) and that I should have fun with friends who care about me.My concern now is that I can't forgive myself for putting myself in an unsafe situation, a number of bad things could have happened. I also can't forgive myself for planting doubt in his head. He says he trusts me, but I still feel terrible for making such an immature decision. The boob touching thing doesn't bother him at all, he always asks me to have a threesome with another girl. Now, he is acting especially nice to me, he doesnt want to talk about it anymore, and he wants to skype a lot more probably because he is still really horny about my dirty talk the other night. Also we were planning on going to premarital counseling, but kind of had trouble making it happen because of insurance and our schedules. Now that this has happened I am working on finding someone to talk to especially since the insurance situation has resolved. Do you think we can survive this? I feel so guilty because lately I have had sex dreams of being with random men. I am disappointed that I was so happy about getting all this attention and acting flirty. I never have cheated on anyone. I just feel so sad that I acted like an idiot. I felt better the next day at class because no one gave a shit what I did, and then my friend was disappointed that I was the one who touched her boobs and not one of the males in our class.
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male
reader, GentleGiant  +, writes (14 September 2013):
You are human and made a mistake no big deal. If you cant forgive yourself get some professional help. What happened didnt sound so bad. If your man cant trust you anymore then that is another story for another day. Move foward.
A
reader, anonymous, writes (13 September 2013): This is verified as being by the original poster of the questionThank you all for your answers! CMMP and PeachCobble03, you two could have said anything, but you decided to give me advice to help me forgive my mistake. Thank you for understanding that I am not this kind of person. I grew up in a very conservative culture and I guess I had felt like I wanted to have some fun before I spent the rest of my life with this amazing beautiful young man. Unfortunately, alcohol and bad company did not result in fun and I think I had a feeling it was going to be self-destructive. @iAmHeretoHelpyou, I am ready to get married. You obviously don't know what it is like to be disowned. The few times I talk to my parents they call me a whore, tell me I am dead to them, and then say I will be the cause of my father's heart attack. Still I push through this, because this is the life I am fighting for. However, I used to drink to escape which is why I don't do it anymore. I made a poor decision. And we have lived together for 1.5 years in between college and professional school. We have lots of sex, we may not always have the same interests/fantasies. I happen to think we have a healthy relationship. So I think you are being pretty harsh. My question only outlined a single aspect of my life - which I am working on dealing with in a healthy manner. But thank you anyways for your insight.
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A
male
reader, CMMP +, writes (13 September 2013):
I'd guess that most people who get really drunk have made drunken mistakes. God knows that I have. Many people are also super horny and sexual when they're drunk. So what you did is well within typical drunken behavior.
However, when you're in a supposedly committed relationship, the key is avoiding a situation that could lead to problems.
Because I'm similar to you I don't really get very drunk because I don't want to do something that I'd regret (I'm married). I wouldn't sleep with someone else, but I'd cross lines that shouldn't be crossed...
I also don't have close fiends of the opposite sex because in times when my wife is particularly crazy I might feel the desire to reach out to them.
These are things you have to learn about yourself. So if you think of this as a learning experience and don't repeat it, then you'll probably get over it quicker.
My wife hasn't learned these lessons yet (she never drank until she was in her early 30's) and sometimes that scares me if she were to want to go out with her friends. I worry she may get herself into a situation like yours or even worse, because of it. So consider yourself lucky that you potentially learned those lessons early.
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A
female
reader, PeachCobbler03 +, writes (12 September 2013):
 Your question was "How Can I Forgive Myself and Regain His Trust". You stated in one of the paragraphs " He says he trusts me, but I still feel terrible for making such an immature decision." So, if he says that he trusts you, then what trust do you need to regain? I would imagine if he didn't trust you anymore, then the engagement would be called off.Second, you want to know how to forgive yourself. Forgiving yourself is a choice, and you have to make the decision to forgive yourself. We've all acted irresponsibly, at some point in our lives. The fact is, none of us have a time machine to go back and do the right thing. You can either choose to wallow in it, or chalk it up to a lesson learned and never do it again. No one is perfect.Can your relationship survive it? Survive what, exactly? He says he trusts you. You're the one holding on to this issue. Let it go and strive to do better.As far as sexual fantasies...well, we're human. Sexual fantasies are normal. What you choose to do about those sexual fantasies is what's important.
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