A
male
age
36-40,
anonymous
writes:My girlfriend and I have been dating for 3 years now. She told me she was a virgin and wanted to stay a virgin till she gets married. I agreed, because I am a virgin too. Everything was going okay. Until last month, she said that she can't lie to me any more. She said she's not a virgin, that she has been having sex since she was 11. She has slept with 5 guys before me. She said that she already did everything that is about sex even anal. And the first year, she has been sleeping with her ex boyfriend. And last year she did it again. She told me she loves me and cried and asked me not to leave her. And if I did, she'd understand. I told her I didn't want to talk to her for a while. I respect the fact she came and told me this. I love her so much. The images of her being naked and having sex with other men doesn't want to leave my head. How can I forgive and forget with these images in my head.
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male
reader, anonymous, writes (11 May 2009): That lost anon female obviously never even read the orignal question, and just responded to the title sentence.
A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (8 May 2009): Don't judge her because she thinks differently from you.
Don't try to change or control her.
If you can't look past it then don't go back to her. You'll both be happier in the long run.
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (6 May 2009): you are now beginning to reinvest in your relationship with her, just be careful. it either takes a fool or a man in love to accept her.i wish she is everything you make her out to be and even more but please have your eyes wide open. she fooled you, she lied to you (in fact by lying to you continuously she actually humilitated you and did not respect you). a relationship based on lies and deceit cannot survive. and boy did she lie and lie and lie.good luck
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A
male
reader, anonymous, writes (3 May 2009): I appreciate everyone's answers. After she told me all of this, I became really insecure. I think that my insecurity made the images stick in my head. It still do, but not so much anymore. The broken trust and felt like nothing was the things that really caused the pain. A lot of my pain was because of her lie, I idealized her and our relationship. I took your advice, and had a long talk with her. What I did was understand her first. Then I broke up with her. And she wrote me a letter, a huge one, basically telling me she is sorry and regrets it, and she doesn't want to loose me, and if she can do anything to get me back, she will do it. I told her, the only way she can get me back, is to prove it. Then at a club, she asked for the mic, and asked my forgiveness in front of everyone and told everyone what she did and told every one she loves me. You know, that took some guts. I walked up to her and said, "hi, I'm _____, wanna dance?" And I've never ever seen her this happy in my entire life. You guys really opened my eyes. And what about trust? I forgive her and forget about it. I accept that it happened. I will trust her. If ever she cheats again, I will go for the next woman. The thing that hurt me most, I felt like everything was a lie, but now, I know that we are starting fresh and she is opening up to me. The program, Mastery of Women and Dating really helped me become a real man.Thanks to everyone.
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A
male
reader, anonymous, writes (3 May 2009): stay away from (leave) her ... the sooner, the better
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A
male
reader, anonymous, writes (3 May 2009): I am not walking in your shoes, but, if it were me, I wouldn't be able to forgive and forget. It was more than the sex, it was the fundamental lack of respect for you as a man, that she would allow another guy to come into her bed, behind your back... I know, it can be great sex for the Dude, not just the sex, but that he can steal your woman away... I'd leave her.
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A
male
reader, anonymous, writes (3 May 2009): Sometimes people turn themselves in to the police and confess to murders. And what do we do? We still send them to jail.
It's not because we enjoy punishing remorseful people. It's because we're trying to show some kind of respect for the person that they killed.
This girl's actions for most of the last 3 years have shown you such complete & total disrespect that it's pretty ridiculous. There NEEDS to be negative consequences for this. She is screaming for it.
Thank her for her honesty. Tell her you respect and care about her much more for telling you the truth than if you had found out the truth on your own. Tell her you're extremely angry with her, but you still have strong feelings for her that aren't going to just switch off now. Tell her you still care deeply about her even after all she's told you, and the fact that you care so much makes the things she has done hurt you that much more.
But tell her that she has been doing absolutely everything in her power to shit on you behind your back and that is not something you can ever tolerate. Tell her you just love & respect yourself a little bit too much for it. Tell her that she has been successful in pushing you away from her. Tell her you wish she did not feel the need to do this to you, but she has done it and now she'll get the bad consequences she has been trying to hard to cause herself.
Then walk away.
Grieve. Grieve long & hard & completely.
Then emerge stronger and move on to other women.
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A
reader, anonymous, writes (2 May 2009): Hey there. Anything and everything is FORGIVABLE. Love and forgiveness can free us of pain. The fact that she came out and told you (is huge). I think the bigger questions are 1) are you still wanting to wait to have sex before marriage and, if so, is she willing to wait for you; 2) assuming I read the right - and she was cheating on you, is she showing true remorse (do you feel it) - and has she clearly cut off that deal? Assuming yes, these are all good signs; and 3) lastly do you love her --- i mean love her unconditionally. We are all human we all make mistakes. Are you friends and companions --- if you are go to counseling alone or with her process it and release the hurt and love!!!
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A
male
reader, anonymous, writes (2 May 2009): Face it, you can't forget about it. She lied about being a virgin, then cheated on you while you were dating.
I disagree with the last poster. Being a virgin is a VERY important thing to some people. Actually in almost all states in the USA, lying about that is grounds for a fault divorce, but you're not married, so that doesn't apply. Not being a virgin, and then cheating on you while dating, hurry up and run away from this whore as fast as you can. You deserve much better than this one. It will be difficult at first, but you will get over her and meet someone you can love and respect and TRUST.
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A
male
reader, LazyGuy  +, writes (2 May 2009):
 I wonder if you should forgive her.
That she is a virgin doesn't really matter. Yes she lied about, but maybe she felt ashamed and her desire to start a new life with you made her afraid to tell the truth. Remember that a girl of 11 cannot legally make the decision to have sex. She might easily have been pressured into it. In civilized countries sex with an 11 year old ain't rape automatically for nothing.
BUT then AFTER meeting you and saying she was a virgin, she went and had sex with someone else for a year. That is just plain cheating. By this time she was an adult and if pressured could have come to you. She didn't.
It then ended (it would be intresting to know who ended it) only to resume it again for another full year until recently I presume (or is it still going on).
She loves you. Words are cheap, actions are what counts and her actions show very little love. Perhaps she is just not mentally capable of stopping herself from sleeping around. Could be that she grew up so early with sex that for her it is perfectly normal. It happens EXCEPT she has been with you for a year, claiming she doesn't sleep around at ALL and been with a guy who showed her different.
So why did she still do it? I can't tell you why, but I can guess and that is that she either just don't love you, or just doesn't respect you enough to be faithful let alone truthful (why did she tell, were you about to find out) or is incapable of keeping legs together.
Is any of them attractive to you in a future partner? If it happened TWICE already, who says there is not going to be 3rd time.
The past is the past, but the past only extends to before you two met. It is her cheating after you two got together, 2 out of 3 years that worries me. For 3 years she lied about a virgin and for 2 years she slept with another man while telling you she wished to remain pure.
Why do the words, "lying whore" come to mind?
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A
male
reader, JesseRider23  +, writes (2 May 2009):
the fact that she cheated is horrible, but the fact that she opened up like this to you is great. she has been having sex since she was 11 years old, and to see a guy in a whole other light (probably emotionally with you) is amazing for her. she wanted you to think she was innocent and good because she wanted to sound like she was "relationship material". if you really, and i mean really like her and see a possible future for the two of you, have her get checked for any STDs. you don't want to be having sex with someone with STDs... if she doesn't have any, and you really feel deep down that she is sincere, i would continue to see her. best of luck man
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A
female
reader, niki20 +, writes (2 May 2009):
 i agree with acd719, but you also have to look at it as maybe you are the one she wishes to loose it to. she was ashamed, i would find out concrete answer why she lied. but the past is the past. the only way to get the images out of your head is through your own power, try putting yourself w/her. but you two need to have a serious talk
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A
reader, anonymous, writes (2 May 2009): dang, sex since she was 11 huh? …well, now you just have to examine your conscience and decide on whether you think she'd cheat on you again…is this the kind of woman you'd want to marry? one who has based your relationship off of a lie?
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