A
male
age
30-35,
anonymous
writes:Please read this before you jump into conclusions that anyone is over reacting thank youhttp://www.dearcupid.org/question/i-really-like-her-but-i-messed-up.htmlSo I messed up again. I saw someone come down my street with what looked like her car. I didn't think anything of it til I saw a huge scratch mark on my car. I immediately told my Chief that I thought that this girl wanted revenge or something, even after us making up. So I wanted to talk to her. I called her four times, only to get a text saying she'd call me back in a bit, she's at the hospital because her grandma, who has alzheimer's, had fallen down. I left her a voicemail and told her to listen to it. My Chief also had called her to tell her to call her up.So she got a few minutes, listened to it and she got mad. I honestly thought it was her and she seemed mad over text. Basically she said "she would never do something to hurt someone that had hurt her, whether it be legal or not because she's not like that", that "I would know that if I actually knew her at all" (I've known her for three years) and that I "ruined" her reputation and that she will most likely be resigning as an EMT where we both work. Then apparently she was texting my Chief. She was told that I went to the cops and according to my Chief, she got upset though it was over text. She said she's "done with this bullshit", that she wouldn't do anything like this and that this is why she prefers to stay alone, by herself and have no faith or trust in people. My Chief tried calming her down to no success.Then I find out she had a new car the day that the damage had happened and it couldn't have been her anyways because she was at school during the time I saw the car or at work. She told me this and so has a few other people. I'm telling her how am I supposed to knowif she got a new car finally to which she responded, I would have known if I had asked or never caused this fight to begin with.So I asked her if we can please settle this, like adults, in person Friday night with the Chief. She said maybe but not to hold my breath. I said sorry for accusing her but I think she ignored that text.She deleted her Facebook, something she's NEVER done before and has her phone turned off completely. According to my Chief's husband, who is actually a really good friend of her's, her last post was about how much she hated being accused of anything, that people think she's a bad person when she's not, that maybe she should stop being nice, isolate herself and stop talking as she has no trust or faith in humanity anymore. (not even kidding about that)I got worried, that's why I tried calling. Her friend did text me back, saying why would I accuse her of something like that. I did because I thought she wanted revenge or to take her anger out on my car. None of her friends have been able to reach her, they're not too happy with me either, and the cops went to her house, she wasn't home and she still hasn't returned home. I didn't mean to mess up like this again and I want to fix it but I don't know how to...I don't think she wants anything to do with me or the Squad anymore. Please help me maybe fix this mess I caused?
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reader, anonymous, writes (21 November 2013): This is verified as being by the original poster of the questionSo I was told by her friend that does work with us that he doubts that she's coming tomorrow for the meeting. I was also informed by the chief that starting December 18th, the day after she ends coverage for medical leave of another worker, she will be starting a leave of absence. She told this to the Chief's husband because she no longer trusts the Chief, our squad leader and myself with anything. That was made clear to him when he asked why she wouldn't just talk to her about this.
Then there was a Facebook status, on her recovered account, that her phone died. The next status was about how she wants no one further to contact her unless its urgent.
I messed up :/.
Thanks anyways
A
female
reader, Aunty BimBim  +, writes (20 November 2013):
 You Sir, are an arsehat!
Making assumptions and then calling the police on an innocent person and also involving "the chief" clearly puts you on the back foot.
I suggest that during Friday's meeting where this will be settled as adults you man up and accept responsibility for the mess you have caused, apologise to the girl for the stress you have caused her, and also apologise for the false accusations, apologise to the chief for involving her in your silliness, promise them both you will act more professional in the future, and then try and settle down and start using your brains and think before you act, and then think again.
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A
female
reader, Daisy_Daisy  +, writes (20 November 2013):
 And OP, she's not the only one being dramatic here. Wasn't it dramatic to call the cops (if you did? You're being unclear about that) and involve your employer? Rather than just calmly asking her? You went off, all guns blazing, and created this. What was she doing? Focusing on her grandmother. Which brings me to this: her grandmother is in hospital with Alzheimer's, something which only gets worse and has no good outcome. That's more than enough for her to be dealing with right now. Her grandmother should be her number one concern, not you. Allow her that. I'm not trying to make you feel worse, but look at the bigger picture.
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A
female
reader, Daisy_Daisy +, writes (20 November 2013):
"I don't want her to resign"
"I don't want her to quit"
"I don't want to be the reason she resigns"
Sorry but it's too late for you to start listing what you want. You have done another idiotic thing and it's up to her to decide how she reacts and copes, NOT YOU! I don't agree with how she's coping, and I hope she'll calm down (maybe after her next therapy session) and return to work, but it's up to her and you have no say.
You need to leave her alone, really leave her be now. You know she's safe and that's all you need to know. Let her friends look out for her. You are the last person she wants to speak to at the moment.
I know it was (another) mistake, but if I was your Chief I'd be having serious misgivings about a guy who 1) has relationships with coworkers that he can't handle in his personal life without it affecting work, 2) blabs about sexual activity with one coworker to other coworkers, 3) falsely accuses said coworker of a crime.
I think the Chief has been incredibly tolerant to you and your shenanigans. The chief is not your parent or Judge Judy. The chief shouldn't have to sort out the messes you make.
Good luck for Friday. In the meantime have a good think about your behaviour in all this. It isn't an unlucky set of circumstances; you've made mistake after mistake based on choice each time.
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reader, anonymous, writes (20 November 2013): This is verified as being by the original poster of the questionMy Chief is making us talk it out this Friday. Which is fine by me. And she doesn't react well to personal stress. She goes to therapy since she has depressions, coping and trust issues. So I expected the dramatics to an extent. They were able to track her last night and when they did find her, they found her in her car in the next state over. She's typically a calm, passive girl too. Like if you met her you wouldn't know she had any kind of depression or anything wrong with her. I've never seen her act like this to anyone and on calls she's always the cool headed ones that has all the ideas on how to treat the patient.I don't want her to resign because of this. I do care about her still a lot and I want to be at least friends with her. She doesn't want to talk to anyone from the building now. She told the one cop that I do know that told me she's done with this shit and she's tired of people. I don't want her quitting cause of me. None of us will get in trouble at the building. The Chief I've known for years and she's been like a daughter and "yes girl" to whatever any superior officer says to her. She works more than everyone else covering shifts. And I don't want to be the reason if she resigns. Thanks anyways
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reader, anonymous, writes (20 November 2013): You can fix this mess by staying as far away from this woman as possible. Leave her alone. All you do is open up a new drama, and she goes into a her dramatic performance to pump you full of guilt.
Everyone take a bow, let down the curtain, and return to your dressing-rooms. This dramatic episode is over for the season. Future episodes have been cancelled.
It would do you good to fly below the radar for awhile; and focus on doing your job before you lose it. You keep doing mindless things; and then coming here to ask how to fix it. How about just being single and staying away from women; until you can get your act together. You're becoming a menace to society. You don't mean to, but you blow things way out of proportion; and cause trouble in the process.
Fixing your mess requires you to mind your own business and be at peace. Endlessly repeating your apologies doesn't erase the mistakes you've made; nor will it force anyone to forgive you any faster, if at all. In fact, your persistent apologies become irritating each and every time you try forcing them on her. Just stop! It's obvious you're begging for attention. She's trying to steal the show.
Go find something constructive to do with yourself to stay out of trouble. Her disappearance and all that nonsense is just to add more suspense and to get more attention. The whole ordeal is just riddled with stupidity.
Focus on yourself and leave everyone alone. You can't hold still long enough to catch up with yourself. You're all over the place; and looking for someone to cleanup after you. Just act your age and stay out of trouble. How hard is that?
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A
female
reader, Honeypie +, writes (20 November 2013):
 Should have been isn't..
There isn't much.. sorry not enough coffee yet..
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (20 November 2013): She is younger than you, and is very immature. However, she has also been very hurt by her ex, and things with you have not helped.
She wants to isolate herself from everyone and everything because she keeps getting hurt one way or another, even if it's "innocently".
I believe she does care about you, which was evidenced after that fire you worked on together and you had a talk afterwards.
The best advice? STOP TALKING TO ANYONE ELSE about her!!! ONLY talk to HER. If you doubt her, address it with her. If you think she did something, ask her. Don't ask her friends, her family, your Chief, et al what she thinks or feels. Ask HER! That will stop the stories, the theories, the talk. Respect her privacy, respect her.
Write her a note saying you're very sorry for incorrectly assuming she could have done anything hurtful, that you were tired from lack of sleep, or whatever other excuse, and that you really want to talk to her, to fix things because she is very special to you and you would like to see where things go.
Something else - you blow cold and hot! On one hand, you were very into her, and showed it. You guys nearly got intimate however she told you she didn't want to go full until she is in a committed relationship. You said that was cool, BUT, your ACTIONS showed you were not so cool with it because you then had excuses about your friend leaving that you had to spend so much time with, and working so hard, yada yada yada. I'm sorry, if you are CRAZY about someone, nothing on God's green earth will keep you away :) Meaning, you can still work hard, spend time with your friends, especially the ones going away, WHILE keeping tabs on your special girl. You can't "hook up" and then pretend nothing happened. Now she has no idea of your real intentions, which are sketchy right now. YOu say you care, but, your actions consistently show otherwise.
So, man up, decide if you really really like her, more than as friends, that you want to have a relationship with her, then and only then you approach her, with FLOWERS, you owe her BIG TIME, and hope she will be willing to listen and forgive and try for something.
If you think she is special but not the one, or not someone you want to date exclusively, then let her be, apologise and leave it at that.
You are messing with your career by messing with a friend who is now at your work. Keep things professional at work, be a man of your word, have integrity, and in terms of the girl, keep it PRIVATE. PERSONAL LIFE, not to be brought to work, otherwise, stop seeing each other.
Good Luck and let us know how it goes...
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (20 November 2013): Reading both your posts this is like the drama that goes on at school when people are about 15 "you did this, you did that, I'm going to tell so and so about this..."
Honestly I don't know how your chief hasn't had a serious word with you about bringing personal drama to the workplace. Ringing them up to accuse her of damaging your car? Your age says your in your twenties, surely you know now that you can't go around accusing people of things when you have zero proof. Especially to the boss as firstly, it's nothing to do with them and secondly an accusation - even when proved to be false- can have a damaging affect on her career when people always remember the allegation.
You first told someone about hooking up and he ended up spreading that around - which would have made her feel like shit and also have a terrible affect on her career similar to accusing her of criminal damage. You can say all you like that's not your fault as he was the one who told others - but you should not have told ANYONE. But you accused her of something she didn't do when her gran was in hospital, that must have been awful for her. Leaving is not an overreaction as her name and reputation has been tarnished.
Stop calling her, stop texting her. You have been a bit of an idiot and now, as a poster on your first question said, you can't always expect forgiveness you've just got to LEARN this and not repeat the same mistakes with someone else in the future. This is not fixable. Apologise and let her move on.
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A
female
reader, Honeypie +, writes (20 November 2013):
Well, there is much you can do about this. But you CAN learn from it. DO not jump to conclusions and accuse people of things unless you are actually 100% certain. YOU don not call the police on a co-worker like that, on a hunch.
You have talked to your Chief and told her you made a mistake, you have apologized to the chick, what else CAN you do?
Honestly if I were her, I would avoid you like the plague too.
In the future STOP and think first. Talk it over with someone BEFORE you call the cops. And honestly YOU ought to call the cops and tell them it was a false alarm. That you were mistaken and then take whatever consequence like a man.
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A
male
reader, SensitiveBloke +, writes (20 November 2013):
 Reading this post and your previous one, this girl seems like a drama queen who overreacts to everything.
Yes, you did something very stupid here, but she has not handled it well at all.
It's time you broke off contact with her for good.
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A
male
reader, Sageoldguy1465 +, writes (20 November 2013):
 "Sounds" to me as if you've got a drama-filled mess going on.... and YOU aren't in any position to improve matters.
Best advice? Keep away from this girl, the Chief and this mess.....
Good luck....
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