A
male
age
41-50,
*ick2010
writes:Me and my gf of 3 years have been have a rocky couple of months. 1st of I suspected she was cheating on me and after checking her whatsapp message logs I found out she was seeing this guy and even having sex with him. The guy knows about us and she did admit to loving me to him yet felt they should continue the relationship (saw all this from their chats)I felt really hurt most especially cus many times I asked if she was seeing someone else she told me there was nothing like that and I was just paranoid. Anyway I confronted her and took things cool. I told her what I found out and asked her to make a choice.. In the end she choose to be with me, knelt down and asked me to forgive her.. I promised to (and I have its been hard but yeah I have) she then said she sometimes don't find me sexually attractive (which I found surprising cus I remember her being the sex drive in the relationship) and admitting to finding him sexually appealing. She also wanted us to hang out more and for me to be more turned to her feeling. Anyway she broke with the guy right there while I was listening and next day sent me chat logs of her turning the guy's offer of friendship down.She also confessed to her friends how ashamed she feels and how much she loves me and wants things to work with us (2 of her closest friends confided this with me)We have been slowly but painfully trying to get our relation back on track.. But her cheating knocked every bit of self esteem and security I had. I hated my body stopped eating, lost concentration at work and always sought validation from past ex if I was ugly (most answered to the negative.We have talked about our fears and she said she sometimes feels insecure with me and felt I would leave her for someone I feel more connected with. I told her I too felt insecure.. she also said she was afraid she might disappoint me and leave for someone she feels more connected to. I tried telling her we have been dating for 3 years within which we have had every chance to leave but never did.. we have had fights and even brief breakups and still stayed together.. our relationship was more or less a long distance one yet it endured. she sound better after that.I invited her to my place so we could have a close and intimate time, I cooked for her we watched movies but when we tried making love.. I lost my erection (this was the second time it was happening first time being the day I found out she was cheating.This really freaked her out and she told me she feels she is forcing me to do this and maybe my heart isn't in it anymore, she couldn't get why after the fight we can even have make up sex. I then opened up my insecurity.. how I felt I have become a burden to her and felt she was dating me out of pity and duty and felt I was preventing her from being with someone else.. she hogged me and said all that is false and she really loves me and loves my body and don't find me unattractive. She told me she wanted us to make love cus its been about a month since the last time. Opening up made me feel better and naturally my erection came and we had one passionate sex (at least to me) after which we both came.. then I saw the tears.. at first she claimed it was the sun coming to her eyes through the window then when it was so obvious she said she was just overwhelmed and it was tears of joy.. She said she tot she had lost me and was just happy. I dropped her home and while walking her to the door told her how happy I was that our relationship was back on track.. Her eyes looked away for like a split second (yeah I am hyper paranoid and sensitive i pick up such things) before answering "yeah me too" She then reach out, gave me a quick kiss and said good night.I went back up worried wondering if indeed we have put to past the ghost of ken (the guy she cheated on me with) wondering if she is living a lie (with me) or if indeed she was truly glad she had not lost me.
View related questions:
at work, cheated on me, erection, insecure, long distance, self esteem, sex drive Reply to this Question
Share |
Fancy yourself as an agony aunt? Add your answer to this question! A
male
reader, nick2010 +, writes (27 November 2013):
nick2010 is verified as being by the original poster of the questionI just want to thank everyone for their contributions. I really really appreciate all the comments and advise. I most have missed out some important parts of this whole episode, like how she was really pushing to meet with my family and how my attention level dropped around 4 months back (not returning calls, or keeping up with my chats)..
The important thing is that we are making slow and steady progress back and in a way I have learned.. we both have learned from this. We both admit to our mistakes and things have never been better. My confidence level is coming back as is my security mostly thanks to the enthusiasm I am seeing and the effort she is putting in.
I am finally settling to the idea that she really does want to be with me, not out of pity or because she sees me as the safe bet but because she does indeed love me. I can be very pessimistic and hard to convince but there are some things u just know (like how she paid me a surprised visit at work to cheer me up after I lost my phone, or how she is planning our new year eve and the surprise she has for me, or how we are both looking for a place we can raise a home and checking out schools for future kids) I am for the first time since all this started very positive about the relationship. I just want to show my appreciation to everyone who have contributed. It did help me alot speaking my mind and listening to different opinions. Thanks guys and I wish you peace and happiness in your life and decisions you make.
A
male
reader, nick2010 +, writes (27 November 2013):
nick2010 is verified as being by the original poster of the questionI just want to thank everyone for their contributions. I really really appreciate all the comments and advise. I most have missed out some important parts of this whole episode, like how she was really pushing to meet with my family and how my attention level dropped around 4 months back (not returning calls, or keeping up with my chats)..
The important thing is that we are making slow and steady progress back and in a way I have learned.. we both have learned from this. We both admit to our mistakes and things have never been better. My confidence level is coming back as is my security mostly thanks to the enthusiasm I am seeing and the effort she is putting in.
I am finally settling to the idea that she really does want to be with me, not out of pity or because she sees me as the safe bet but because she does indeed love me. I can be very pessimistic and hard to convince but there are some things u just know (like how she paid me a surprised visit at work to cheer me up after I lost my phone, or how she is planning our new year eve and the surprise she has for me, or how we are both looking for a place we can raise a home and checking out schools for future kids) I am for the first time since all this started very positive about the relationship. I just want to show my appreciation to everyone who have contributed. It did help me alot speaking my mind and listening to different opinions. Thanks guys and I wish you peace and happiness in your life and decisions you make.
...............................
A
male
reader, CMMP  +, writes (20 November 2013):
While I believe most of what she says she thinks is true, one thing I know for a fact only from the little info you gave, is that you guys are not compatible.
Break up now or do it later; if you don't she's going to cheat again unless you can adress he flaw: her not being sexually attracted to you.
...............................
A
reader, anonymous, writes (20 November 2013): I think your girlfriend feels guilty; and chose you out of pity and obligation. I think she feels terrible for hurting you, but her heart isn't really in it.
People are always sorry to be "caught." They plead a very good case, and can even turn on the tears of regret and remorse. This is because they don't want to look like the "cheater" in the relationship. She is embarrassed about what your friends will think of her, and she doesn't want to be judged harshly.
I think she was being honest when she said she was no longer attracted to you. That has nothing to do with you being ugly or unattractive. It means she no longer feels sexually aroused by you. She had to find someone else to satisfy her needs. She didn't have the courage to just end it and set you free. Yes, she told the guy she loves you,
but she continued to have sex with him.
You can forgive her. That doesn't mean you have to remain with her. She has crushed your self-esteem, and you no longer feel secure in your relationship. You took her back, but the thoughts of her cheating invades your thoughts and robs you of the contentment you once had when you felt she was satisfied being with you.
You fought and ended the relationship before. It's not stable and she is not happy as she pretends. Just trying to ease her guilt and hide the shame of being caught.
Time to get the strength to move on, and get over her.
Rebuild yourself, and get your act together; in order to find and maintain a relationship, free of all the issues that have corroded the one you're desperately clinging to now. Being single again is scary; but you're both making each other miserable.
...............................
A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (20 November 2013): Sorry for the situation you're in...
Your gf deceived you all those times you kept asking if there was someone else. She denied it and you only found out by investigating because you knew in your gut something wasn't right. Her not admitting it herself will affect your trust and lead to insecurity.
From what she said to him, and what she told you, she loves you but was physically attracted to the other guy and didn't control her desires. After 3 yrs, she should know better but it's not too late to take stock and make decisions.
You handled things very well, and you sound like a great guy and deserve better. Hopefully she has learnt from this mistake and will treat you better.
However, you also need to listen to what she has told you: she wants to hang out more, and she wants you to be in tune with her feelings, which means you need to talk about everything, share your thoughts and feelings together, so you feel close and grow together. That means, more quality time, otherwise if you abandon her she will look elsewhere. Some people can handle their own company, some can't.
I like how she broke off with the guy in front of you, and sent you the messages he sent the next day asking for friendship. However, now it's going to need a regular checking because how will you know if she ever "slips up" again? Fool me once, shame on you, fool me twice....
Perhaps have random times where you check up on her, and when she EARNS your trust again, you will be able to relax and enjoy the relationship again.
It's natural to second guess everything now, what she says and does, but if you also don't relax and enjoy things again, you could drive her away if you get paranoid.
So build your self esteem and confidence again - do things you enjoy that you're good at, so you boost yourself again. Spend time with family and friends that can affirm you. Then when you're with her, BE THE MAN - she chose YOU. She could have, after 3 yrs, decided she wanted out and moved on but she didn't, she asked for forgiveness, she showed the necessary remorse, she has shared with her best friends how ashamed she is, so this all bodes well.
Give yourselves another chance, this could be the make or break of your relationship. A future together, or not.
At the first sign of deceit, lies and cheating from her ever again, walk because it means she won't stay true.
Good Luck
...............................
A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (20 November 2013): What I do not understand is why you are allowing all of this to be part of a relationship with someone who is supposed to be loyal to you, honest and trustworthy with you and to love you?
I do not understand why you would allow her to make a choice like that? Wow, aren't you the lucky one to have a girl who cheats on her boyfriend, choose you...She is not someone who can be trusted and she is not someone who is ready to be in a committed relationship with anyone.
She made a choice to cheat on you instead of doing the right thing and break it off before she disrespected you and your relationship with each other. She denied it all up until she was caught. So, in reality she was sorry for getting caught. The damage has already been done. She has tarnished what you had and you will always have the wonder, worry and doubt hanging over your head with her.
It's so hard when you love someone...you tend to ignore the obvious, you explain away the reasons, you try to live with what's gone wrong, you accept how they treat you, because you don't want to lose what it was and hope that you can get it back. It's a lot of delusions.
When you require honesty, integrity and respect from your partner, then there is no room for cheating. Personally, if a man told me they did not find me sexually attractive sometimes on top of cheating on me, they would be kicked to the curb (well they would get kicked to the curb for cheating because I don't do second chances with cheating). I would rather have my self-respect and be alone then to live with someone who didn't care enough about me to make a better choice then giving in to cheating because someone else was sexually appealing. There just aren't any justifications for cheating and anyone can try to reason away why.
Bottom line, when you are in an exlusive relationship, you don't step out on your partner. If you feel you want to be with someone else, then stay single. You deserve better than what she has given you.
...............................
A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (20 November 2013): O, please, I don't believe she won't cheat again. The other guy probably didn't want her as a girlfriend, so she "picked" you, yeah, right.
Condsider it her being truthfully when she said she doesn't find you attractive, this is why she cheated.
You know I asked one guy after we dated for 2 months why he doesn't want to date me anymore, and he said, that's the story with me, after few month I don't feel any attraction for a woman, and need to move on. Some people are just like that.
...............................
A
female
reader, Solutionbee  +, writes (20 November 2013):
Hey nick.... I can very very we'll understand your position here as I have been in the same scenario once.. The only thing different s that I was the one who cheated and my guy just like forgave me....
Maybe telling you how I felt would help you understand your girl better.
When my guy found that I had been sleeping with someone, I had completely freaked out and the first thought that came to my mind was will I lose him...??? Will he ever trust me again? Was I doing the right thing? And suddenly I realised that m not afraid of losing the guy I was sleeping with but m afraid of losing my guy... That's when I realised I love him and m looking for love in someone else by cheating... For us females, emotional connection is very important.. If we have a shoulder to cry upon and a person who can make us smile we like fools fall for it... Even when it just might be about sex for the guy, we females feel it's love for us and slowly that emotional bonding gets onto us and we tend to do things which we shudnt even after knowing we r wrong..
I told my guy how I was emotionally unavailable to me and y I made such a mistake... He also like u has a big heart and forgave me promising me to work upon the relationship... It took time for him to trust me and he had all the rights to feel insecure just like how u do... But I simply was trying to make him my emotional companion... Was trying for him to be my best friend and my lover... He took time to get physical with me as he could always visualise me and the other guy when we tried to get intimate... So I guess that's natural for all u boys ... And it's valid too.. I mean UNHCR a bigger heart as u forgave us... So I think she is truly with u NCOs she loves u... Ken was there for her as u made itself unavailable... Try spending more time who ur girl.. Do things that she might have never expected u to do... If u ever feel angry express it to her but assure her that u still want her in her life much more than ever .. Make her ur emotional support so that she gets the confidence to open upto u... Mending a relationship take a while but a lot of patience... And it can be mended... I am married to my guy since three years now and I have never been happier... I have made him my best friend and so has he... He talks to me about all the guy talks and I simply listen.. I talk girly stuff to him n he listens with a smile too... We took a while to get ourselves back on track but are happy nw... Ur girl has made the right decision coz she loves you and not coz she feels guilty... If she was living a lie she would have left you when she had a choice.. But she did.. Give her a chance and it's Om tot me ur own time to trust her again .. It she's truly glad she didn't lose u and u shud try being her emotional support so that she knows that u are the kind of a partner with whom she talk anything and everything about...!, I wish you good luck and patience nick... Just open up to her and I'll be surprised how she talk to u as we'll...
...............................
A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (20 November 2013): You wont know for a long time. After cheating it can take many years for the relationship to rebuild and for your emotional wounds to heal and let go of the paranoia
Yes it can take years. This is not a quick fix, not by a long shot. In the mean time you will have to endure the discomfort you are feeling now, like the paranoia and doubts, the low self esteem. You cannot short cut through rebuilding a relationship after such a massive betrayal. And frankly many relationships cannot heal and have to break up at some point.
I don't mean to discourage you I am just being realistic. Betrayal is not something that can be healed from quickly, it is a process and for many people it never happens while the person who back stabbed you is still in your life in the same capacity as when they betrayed you.
...............................
|
