A
female
age
30-35,
anonymous
writes:I have been talking to (and now dating) this guy since school started, and things are definitely moving forward. We hang out regularly but still engage in our own friends and interests. He shares a lot with me but there's one thing that has been bothering me. He is a "big" in a club and he mentors a "little." I have rushed a fraternity before and I know what it's like, but I can't help but feel a bit uncomfortable. She is a younger female with similar background to me and he is supposed to study with her regularly and give small gifts. Like an older brother/mentor basically. Last week he told me he really likes me, and no doubt, he always makes sure I know. I think he may pop the "will you be my girlfriend?" very soon. Is it a good idea to tell him, "I like you a lot and I want to be with you, but I feel uncomfortable with you spending a lot of time with your little" and see what he says? I don't want to lose him and he's not doing anything suspicious. But it still makes me uncomfortable when he buys me a spontaneous coffee before my class, and the other one is for his little when they meet up to study. (Of course, I'm still happy that he thought of me and not just his little). Any thoughts? Reply to this Question
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female
reader, YouWish +, writes (21 November 2013):
 Okay, you're just starting out, and many people date more than one person until it's time to go exclusive. That's perfectly fine as long as there is no sex involved.
If you haven't gotten sexually active, delay it. Just ask him nicely if he's seeing her, and if he says no, then believe him. If he says "yes", just tell him that you prefer being physical when you're exclusive.
Otherwise, just enjoy getting to know him. Usually, if someone's dating more than one person at first, the others drop off when they start really liking someone.
A
reader, anonymous, writes (20 November 2013): You're showing insecurity before you're even certain he wants you as a girlfriend.
Let's call your discomfort what it really is. "Jealousy!"
Telling him that you're uncomfortable about his "little" at the onset, is a warning of things to come.
Insecurity kills relationships. You don't even officially have one yet, and you're already raising a red-flag.
You're acting possessive; when you should be trying to show him how confident you are, and what a great girlfriend you'd make. This is a trial period during courtship, and you're under review. He hasn't set any restrictions on your social life. I strongly recommend that you don't set any on his. If he chooses to have you as a girlfriend, it's a given that you're the one.
He will interact with other females in one capacity or another. Some of them will happen to be attractive. You have personally rushed fraternities. So you have a certain amount of popularity on campus. Therefore, you know some attractive and popular guys. They happen to run in your social circles as well.
Fraternities and sororities demands that you be socially active in the community and on campus. That will draw a lot of attention from other women. Wanted or unwanted. You're not new to the scene; so you know how it works. You said so.
Do you think setting conditions; and basically telling him
you can't trust him, will go over well?
You're deceiving yourself. You're showing signs of a clingy jealous girlfriend. You won't be able to hide it. He'll figure it out. You may want to consider a guy less exposed and low key.
No high-profile guy wants to be known around campus, as the whipped guy with the jealous girlfriend. No! You want them all saying; oh, he's taken! He has a hot cool girlfriend!
He obviously finds you hot, lets run with that girlfriend!
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A
male
reader, Sageoldguy1465 +, writes (20 November 2013):
 Sounds to me like you ought to keep any prospective "relationship" on the back burner until and unless you can reconcile this.... YOUR insecurity... and HIS doing something that triggers it....
The prospective questions that you posed.... the actual way you gave them herein... makes you sound tentative and squirrelly. As a guy, I wouldn't be likely to pursue a girl who revealed that to me, in your manner, so early-on.. when we really have hardly even "dated"....
Good luck...
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (20 November 2013): You're in early days of a relationship, chill out over this. No matter who you are ever with, they are going to at some time or another be around a woman whether it's a mentoring situation or training in the workplace etc... This isn't him causing concern, I would say this is an insecurity of your own that you need to address. Why do you not trust this guy? Has someone let you down in the past?
Unless he gives you a specific reason, just enjoy this guys company and take his word for it when he says he likes you.
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A
female
reader, Honeypie +, writes (20 November 2013):
 I think you shouldn't date him, because you are already having serious insecurities about a "little" he is mentoring. Mentoring is a GREAT thing to do for someone and honestly, I would be rather miffed if some jealous GF ruined that.
If you do tell him you don't want him to mentor the girl, I hope he says, sorry then YOU are out.
You are making a mountain of drama out of a GOOD deed he is doing. And it's kind of controlling of you, to tell him what he can and can't do in order to date you. You are not his parent.
What's next? He can't have female friends? He can't talk to other girls? Class mates? Oh, female teacher? You need to sit down and think on this. WHY are you so insecure about this?
Sorry, if you think I'm being harsh, but I find it silly that you think you can tell him who to mentor, who to talk to and whom he can't hang out with.
If the roles were reversed how you you feel if a potential BF told you, you can't mentor a guy? When all you are doing is helping a "little"?
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A
female
reader, Solutionbee  +, writes (20 November 2013):
Hey girl.....
Seems like u really are into the guy as u are getting insecure and jealous about the little one.... Try talking this with your guy and open up a bit about your feelings for him to know unwell enough... Box if he can't see ur insecurity than that's a big problem... And if you are not comfortable with him mentoring, you really should tell him coz he is going to go forward with it and would never know why suddenly u are having issues.... It's better to clear the airborne it gets too foggy to see clearly girl!!!
Just talk it out.... Things don't always happen the way you want them to but you can't blame until I've tried to make it work the other way around... Right??
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