A
male
age
30-35,
anonymous
writes:I've wondered about the fact that I've never had a long term relationship or what i would call a real relationship ever. I've had people that liked me for physical and personality reasons but they never commit and stay with me for very long. Some cases it was because they were still in love with an ex boyfriend but a few i had no explanation or reason and i have thought about this for years, and more so for short renewed periods when i had new experiences. I at first thought that the reason that I've never had a long term relationship was because i didn't have enough self confidence or at least outward visible confidence. So i went about making myself more verbal about how i feel about things and having at the very least a much better ruse of confidence even if I'm a nervous wreck. This lead to more seeming interest but the same problem continued in one form or another, I had a long time crush begin to show major signs of interest and she refused to date me for whatever reason. I pushed it bit more but it never went any further. It sorta killed what small friendship we had from us going to the same schools forever. Her actions during the situation didn't help either, she basically lied and said she just wasn't looking for someone and then dated a immature child (she is 19 and he was 16) a day after i asked her out. She killed what interest i had in her that day, and she lost a lot of people in her circles respect as a result. This baffled me at first because it showed that something still was not quite right with my dating face, or my dating game rather. I thought heavily for at least a week or more and came to the conclusion that I needed to maybe alter my looks a little. Ive always wore my hair long, and it cut it so its about half its previous length and have begun to dress a bit different but still within my comfort level and my interests. This has made very little difference at all for the better or worse.Yet I've had several odd situations occur with the changes made to myself that are not really important but 1. This girl i currently have two classes with who has the same major as i do has been talking to me and basically made an excuse to get my number to text me ect. She talks to me most the time except when she is being moody, she basically ignores our 4 person English group except for me and acts as if the others are troublesome. Everything points to the fact she likes me but their is a problem and this is not the first time its occurred, she is engaged. She introduced herself in the first day of the class like everyone else and she clearly stated that she was engaged and taking this major to help her fiance in the future. This is another common occurrence, be it luck or some vibe i put off half the girls i like and like me back are taken thus it cant really go anywhere really. I don't go looking for taken women it just seemingly happens without knowing or they show interest in me. Why do girls keep approaching me when i morally do not want to get involved and the ones that theirs no blockade refuse to date me when i do not lack what they are supposedly attracted to. Im attractive, smart, clean, kind, and have my own beliefs, personality, and identity. I'm starting to wonder if the only way i can ever hope to escape this vicious cycle is to completely change myself. I'm the typical modern day geek, which most girls don't expect unless they see some of my clothes or the patches on my book bag. I like a lot of things but the most frowned on by the people that surrounded me in this vortex of rural narrow mindedness is Anime, Graphic Novels, and foreign music. Everyone around me seems to think that any story in animation or rather cartoons as a lot of people refer to all animation and comic and graphic novels can not be as deep or deeper then a normal book or film, when the polar opposite is true. Music wise i listen to a lot of everything, i can appreciate rap, pop, and country from time to time, i like metal, rock, techno, orchestral, and punk. I listen to native music as well as foreign music from Japan, Germany, Dutch etc. It just seems like no one around me in the rural town i live appreciates who i am what i like. I want to go to an anime/comic conventions just to meet new people because im not getting great relationship material sitting around in my home town. A lot of the reason i plan on leaving my home town is because i almost feel too open minded to survive with all the closed minded people here. I guess ultimately i want to know how i can find people with similar interests near me other then dating sites which have failed so far. Why I'm having such bad luck with those who are interested and why am i attracting girls that are taken and never girls that are not.
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reader, anonymous, writes (19 January 2010): This is verified as being by the original poster of the questionI dont lack confidence i was just really quite unless a good topic was brought up and was shy, not any more. I respect people they dont respect me, they look at me like i have the plaque here.
A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (18 January 2010): Dont shoo off taken girls. They might have gorgeous single friends. And then when you find someone who is single and seem nice, show them you are interested in getting to know them. You don't start dating once you found the right girl, you date to find the right girl. So don't be picky. Get to know the girls first.
Also, girls that are taken are more confident in themselves when it comes to meeting new people for platonic relationships. Maybe girls will disagree with me here, but from my experience I can NEVER get a friendship with a man because all they want is to hit on me. When in a relationship you can state that you are taken right away, so that any relationship will be friendship. If a single girl did the same she would be called a tease and worse, which isn't fun. So when single I hold back on getting to know guys unless it's because I want to date them. Its silly and I wish it didn't work that way, I wish single girls could meet guys and be just friends as well, but that doesn't happen too often.
So basically, that could be one reason you only meet taken girls. They want your friendship. The single girls who might be interested in getting to know you hold back out of fear that you will jump on them like a horny dog with rabies. No offense. Try to come off as perfectly content with the situation you are in. If you are desperate for sex or a girlfriend, most of us girls can see that from miles away.
But back to why you can't find someone for you. If you think everyone is narrow minded because they dont have the same interest as you then that tells me one thing: you don't really respect other peoples likes and dislikes. You dont HAVE to have the same interest as the girl you date. So try to look past that. Or hang in there and wait for the right girl. Or try online dating. It works for some.
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A
male
reader, anonymous, writes (18 January 2010): Sounds similar to what i went through for some time, i'm a romanti-goth (google it if you arn't familiar) so there isn't many people around to understand how i look, dress, think, etc.
Anime is brilliant & despite the low self esteem you seem very universal in the sence you appreciate a large mix of things, i think you worry to much, theres someone for everyone, i waited years to find someone special but it was worth every minute.
Just be yourself is all i can say, my partner isn't a thing like me style wise & stuff, you dont have to search for sheep to join in with be youself & wait for the arrow to come your way, it will happen eventually trust me on that, hope this helps you in the long run my friend.
--Jay--
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