A
female
age
36-40,
*atumatu
writes:I am in my late 20s. I have been with three men in my life, for about a year or so each. The first two I didn't even have sex with; just foreplay and oral. It has now been three years since I had any kind of intimate physical contact with anyone.I am slightly overweight (BMI 26.5) but I know many women who are similarly or more overweight and are in happy long-term relationships. I tend to be quiet, but I am funny, and make a great effort to spend time with people. I have been told several times that I am a very interesting conversationalist. I organize parties, I invite people to do things, I say hello to people and remember things about them. But no one reciprocates--not just men, but even women seem to treat me as a peripheral friend or acquaintance. I feel I am genially tolerated, not wanted.But even by those people who say they find me interesting, I am only ever invited to group events, and when there I end up hearing about how two others in the group went out to coffee together, or are planning a trip overseas together. Sometimes it is even two people who I have introduced, and they seem to click much better with each other than with me. I should feel happy that I helped them meet a good friend, but a) they seem to forget about that part and b) I want to have that kind of friendship myself. I don't say this to anyone, of course; I don't want people to feel forced to act like my friend. I have been interested in several men, and some of them I tried to be proactive about asking out. That was a disaster, and I would no longer *ever* advocate for a woman to do that. I have seen so many men pursue women they want, and it appears to work out well. Some of them are married. So I have come to believe the old advice that if a man wants you, he will let you know. If he doesn't let you know, then you are just wasting your time and making yourself look a fool. But if I do nothing, just try to put myself in places with interesting people, talk to them, and hope that a man decides he likes me, it seems I will be alone forever. Something about me is just not sexy or appealing.I try to be optimistic. I just entered graduate school, I am planning to do my best there professionally. But all too often (whenever I see a couple on the street, among my friends, or even on the television) I get a pang of terrible jealousy and imagine my life stretching out in front of me, this endless empty lonely future, and I wonder if it is worth going on.So, to reiterate my question: How, short of asking the very people I feel are indifferent to me, can I figure out what is wrong and make changes? I could ask them, but I feel they would find that off-putting, and I am sure they would be too polite to give me any real feedback.
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Fancy yourself as an agony aunt? Add your answer to this question! A
female
reader, matumatu +, writes (10 September 2010):
matumatu is verified as being by the original poster of the questionHi JMTMJ,
Unfortunately I'm not sure what you're driving at. Could you be more explicit?
What I was saying: Men seem not to respond well to pursuit, or even a minor advance from me. So I am just trying to meet as many interesting men as possible by participating in activities and so forth, and then passively waiting for someone to be interested in me. Which gives me very little control over the situation and is extremely frustrating.
Thanks.
A
male
reader, Jmtmj  +, writes (10 September 2010):
 "I have been interested in several men, and some of them I tried to be proactive about asking out. That was a disaster, and I would no longer *ever* advocate for a woman to do that."
"But if I do nothing, just try to put myself in places with interesting people, talk to them, and hope that a man decides he likes me, it seems I will be alone forever."
... can you see how that might be a problem?
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