A
female
age
36-40,
*ishdish
writes:Hi guys,I'm petrified of confrontation and argument, I don't know where this has come from, I came from an okay home and no one has been abusive to me, but I systematically avoid disagreements at all costs-i even broke off things with my ex only because I wanted to avoid addressing the issues i had with him. i hate feeling out of control, i hate getting shaky and being emotional, which is why when i'm especially overwhelmed with those feelings I tend to want to hurt myself and repress the emotions.Anyway, every time my current boyfriend and I have a disagreement, even really minor differences of opinion i get really scared and want to cry and want to stop talking. my bf suggests that maybe i'm trying to sanitize our relationship because i never let a fight actually become a fight because i'm scared and don't know how to deal with it. I'm scared to hurt him and be hurt by him (emotionally), I'm scared to lose him even though I logically have no reason for that, he promises he is there for me and he doesn't plan on going anywhere and i trust and love him. He knows I'm sensitive, and he knows about my self-injury issues, so I've gotten better at talking it out with him, in terms of my status in the conversation (we're long distance so he can't really gauge how i'm doing without asking, at least when we're online), but i still wish i was "normal" and could just carry on a discussion of differences without wanting to cry or run away from it. I just don't think it's healthy, the way I react to issues in opinion. Does anyone have any suggestions about how to stay a little more in control and less scared about the outcome of an argument?
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male
reader, rcn +, writes (17 December 2007):
 you have a few things going on here. all though they may be linked together, first look at them separately. (1) self esteem (2) self harm (3) avoidance. It seems as if you're afraid not just of the confrontation, but the reaction you might get from the confrontation.
I looked up these symptoms in the DSM IV, (the disorder manual) The issue that stuck out the most according to these symptoms is "passive-aggressive personality disorder", also known as "confrontational avoidance disorder". With this disorder, it's not a fear of the confrontation its self, it's the fear of the black and white thinking. Avoiding a confrontation because you know if you think black the other person must be thinking white. The problem with treatment of this disorder which makes it a very difficult disorder to treat is in order to progress you're going to have to confront yourself.
I'll tell you now, it's difficult, but if you want to be "normal" you have to be willing to do the difficult to get there.
First to get you started, set an appointment with a psychologist to continue. Take out a piece of paper and on it make 3 columns. In the first one write the heading as "issue", the second write the heading as "way to confront the issue", and the third "possible expected responses".
By doing this, begin with your ex and the issues you were going to confront him on, and list the answers in those columns, then every time you feel as if there is an issue bothering you that needs confronted, do the same. The reason I have you do that is the brain works in a couple of ways, audio learning and visual learning. The more you do this exercise the more comfortable you will become with confrontations. It will begin retraining that part of your brain and lowering your fears.
Also don't call them fighting, and don't call them confrontations. When talking with someone, call it compromising. Chances are when you compromise, you're not seeking to win and they aren't either. All your doing is viewing how the other person thinks and they do the same with you, then you meet somewhere in the middle that satisfied both of you. Also realize everything we view in the way we view it is perception. We may not be right or wrong, but it's the way we see it. It's OK for you to see things different than someone else, and the same for them. That's what makes up a good relationship is the differences. If both of you viewed everything the same, you'd all ready know what all the answers are and have no one to design a life with that would be any better than you could give yourself.
I really do wish you luck with this. Just remember, don't ever give up. A big part of life in improving ourselves to make us better for ourself and people we spend time with. Take care.
A
male
reader, Neboraic  +, writes (15 December 2007):
it sounds like a fear to me, and to overcome a fear you need to just go for it, slowly, take small steps. It sounds familiar, i want to get into martial arts/boxing but i am scared but with some practice and soft battles and courage, i can overcome it. Next time just say one thought (about the disagreement) and then stop, baby steps. If he is a good a boyfriend he wont get mad if you disagree a little, especially if he knows its hard for you. Why does it have to be an arguement. Have you tried having a debate, no raised voices, no anger. Next time you have a disagreement state what you think softly, and then stop. It doesnt even need to be a full scale debate, all you need to do is state how you feel about the subject, without words going back and forth constantly.Or you could write it down, thats what i do when i cant say things out loud. leave it somewhere for him to find.
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