A
female
age
41-50,
anonymous
writes:How can I stop feeling so lonely? I have just started the process of getting to know myself yes at 31- meaning finally dealing with my loniloness and not using escape mechanisms such as the wrong crowds(friends) to waste time with or men(bad relationships) that usually end up in me getting taken advantage of like the last one that was short but did damage.i feel for the first time in complete silence- I have myself and my thoughts and it feels lonely- I feel like I'm the middle of the sea and just alone. Don't get me wrong I have a loving family that reminds me that everyday but tonight I was crying just looking at my ex and just wanting someone next to me to cuddle. This is the first time in my life I've faced myself and I'm scared of myself. My therapists says that going out with the wrong people is bad for me which it was and it made me feel alone also - has this happened to anyone? When I was with my ex ( he wasn't an attentive man) I felt alone - when I hung out with my ex friends ( they were a bunch of users I also felt alone but at least occupied) Now that I'm alone I feel just status qou- has anyone overcome loninessl ?
View related questions:
my ex Reply to this Question
Share |
Fancy yourself as an agony aunt? Add your answer to this question! A
female
reader, Eagle'sfan1986 +, writes (18 November 2016):
I agree with brownwolf. You should get out of the house if you really want a relationship so badly. Mr. Right will definitely will not come knocking on your door if you are at home aND ask you out, that isn't how it work in this century. You shouldn't be at home all day long also by waiting for him to come. By meeting someone put yourself out there and meet nicer single men who are looking for the same things also.
A
male
reader, BrownWolf  +, writes (17 November 2016):
There are billions of people in this world...so no one is truly lonely.
So what is the problem? You want to be in a relationship...okay. How do you get one? Do you just sit there remembering someone you had, or do you get off your butt and go get one of your own?
Mr.Right is not going to come to your house, open the door, go to your room, and ask you out on a date. No one can ask you out if you not out there to be asked.
Your ex is out of the way to make room for the right guy...And he can't find you if you are sitting being lonely.
So put smile on your face...guys like that...and get out there. Those things call legs...they actually work to bring you closer to other people.
...............................
A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (17 November 2016): Im wondering what it is within yourself that you need to face.Much is glossed over euphemistically and perhaps you feel a certain sense of guilt and remorse for the outcome of that brief encounter.In this case you need to confront your demons within, and determine if your actions caused pain to any innocent people and their families.
...............................
A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (17 November 2016): I found your situation so intriguing!There you were crying over an ex,looking at his piuctures and saying your final goodbyes to someone who has moved on and feeling stuck and lonely in your position of recovery!You really are in a place where so many have been before and now you have the chance to be the new you and be open to meeting a new person who can be a positive influence in your life!But dont pull those pictures out and show them to your new decent man when you meet him because he will not be impressed.He will expect you to dismiss the ex with a certain nonchalance so that he knows you are open to a new future.In the interim keep on getting stronger.You cant afford to fall at the first hurdle and weep all over again.Mix and mingle with ordinary people first. Sometimes this will be interesting in a different way rather than romantic.Dont put yourself in situations where you feel totally uncomfortable socially because that isnt a good idea.Think of what makes you tick and try to do things that personally enhance your abilities.When you are ready you will know what it is you want to do!And listen to the Owl he makes good sense! Take hope from the girl who took herself to museums and galleries abroad and maybe you could do it to.?Denizen is pointing you in a good direction with his advice and dont dwell on the ex.Sometimes just telling yourself that you'll have a year off from romantic stuff is the way to go because cupid likes to shoot his little love arrows whe your back is turned or he'd be running a risk of hitting you in the eye.If you could afford a cute little puppy you'd be so busily entertained you would forget all else and you get loyalty in return!You also get to walk the little hound daily for a long time and then you get very healthy and of course you meet other dog owners but not in a romantic way.Finally try to disassociate from the theatrical representation of romantic love because it is so far from the truth that most people just see it for the rubbish it is.
...............................
A
reader, anonymous, writes (16 November 2016): Denizen is absolutely right! Okay, go get a glass of wine before you read this. I've got a lot to say.
When I got dumped a few years back; one of the major challenges I had to face was feeling lonely. I'm very close to my family, and I have many close friends. I lost my long-term life-partner to cancer before that, and faced loneliness thereafter, until I met the one who dumped me.
So I do know exactly how empty and isolated you can feel. I started reading-up on it, and had to ask myself what I was going to do about it? I realized I had to first accept that I had to like being my own company. I had to get thoughts of other people babying me and occupying my space completely out of my head. Like a baby crying in a crib, demanding to be coddled; only because I was spoiled by it.
So I used my alone-time to my advantage. I meditate, read, write my column, work from home, and contact my friends and family missing in action. I started exploring my spiritualism and practicing my faith. I volunteered my time to fill those lonely gaps. I sketch, and do little arts and crafts for the holidays or my friends.
The phone started ringing a lot, I got tons of messages; suddenly I found myself ignoring calls and messages for alone-time. There was no boyfriend in the picture then.
You have to find an alternative to depending on romantic relationships to give your life meaning.
Too many women and gay men seem to under-appreciate independence and me-time. Even when you have a boyfriend; they don't want to be smothered by you, or having to devote all their time to avert or cure your loneliness. So you have to grow-up, and stop crying in your crib. Use alone-time productively, and get to know yourself. Improve yourself, and help others. Make new friends.
Being single doesn't always have to be burdened with constantly pining for a boyfriend; or on a mission and manhunt for a husband. You'll only frustrate yourself; because they don't deliver themselves in packages at your door. Nor should all your life be focused on holding people hostage; because you don't know, or can't stand, yourself.
We were not just put on the earth to be attached to other people. We have our own mind, souls, and bodies. We are individuals, and came into this world naked. We will leave this world as an individual. So stop ruminating on your old relationship, refresh your mind by enjoying nature, beaches, and sunsets. Consider getting a pet. It doesn't always have to be a cat; the symbol of giving-up! Back-off cat-lovers! I love cats! Though I don't need one at the moment.
Start an art project or develop a hobby to take your mind off your self-pity. Make yourself visible. The loneliness is only a symptom of detachment or withdrawal from a dead relationship. It sneaks in and plays with your mind. Whispering sad and creepy stuff in your ear. I know how you feel, my dear. It really got to me too.
Yes, I've cried in the dark. Screamed in the car with the windows rolled-up (sometimes down), rearranged the furniture; and cleaned and organized all the closets and cabinets. That's sooooo boring! How much can you organize a sock and underwear drawer? Like seriously?!!! I was pathetic, looking back on it. Snotty wadded tissues by the bed, all those pity-parties! Empty ice cream boxes, and chocolate wrappers! Annoying my friends with woe-is-me drama episodes. Yes, me, WiseOwlE! Been there, and done that! I've developed my wisdom over time and experience; I wasn't born with it.
I came to DC after I got dumped. I didn't ask for advice. I read the pain and joys of others; and decided to offer my advice based on my experiences. I wrote articles to vent and to educate people in pain, or searching for answers. I read the advice of all the aunts and uncles who are gifted with intellect and empathy, and it gave me an uplift. It inspired me, and I forgot my loneliness. I became more self-aware. Yet even more attuned to my family, friends, neighbors, and colleagues. I am happy and joyful just being alive.
I love my me-time and the solitude of peace and quiet. I can think, create, and plan. I have a boyfriend now, but he works so hard that he sleeps a lot. I give him his space. I sometimes forget he's here, he's so quiet. He has his own friends, hobbies, he owns a business; so he may not be around for a few days. He also goes on business trips, as do I. He calls, but hates texting. I miss him, but it feels good to do that. It also feels good to be missed.
We're not always on top of each other. Yes, that has to be learned and programmed-in. Naturally, we want to occupy our lover's space and dominate their time. I'm guilty! That's greedy, selfish, and needy. Annoying too! So I work on it.
Enjoy the peace. It is for your healing and recovery from your emotional-traumas. Read and enrich your mind, go to the gym and get cardio, tone those hips, and lift them boobs! Go to concerts, museums, plays, and art galleries to satisfy your thirst for culture. Or develop it, if you don't have it. Give of your spare time to help those in need. The quality of people who volunteer to help those in need are truly the cream of the crop. Kind, generous, and giving. Spreading peace, help, and goodness.
Loneliness is just mental-idleness, and under-appreciation of the gift of life. It's emptiness, sweetheart, until you do good things to fill it up. As your reward for patience and self-improvement; someone wonderful steps into your life. You'll already be happy, because you already have purpose and made the best of your situation. So you'll be an asset, a trophy, and their reward for their journey towards you. Fulfilling your other needs.
Solitude is what God gives us for enlightenment, soul-searching, connecting with our spirituality, introspection, retrospection, setting goals, healing, and rebirth. You don't always have to be a couple to be a happy person; and there is a time-gap given for you to fill with fixing yourself before giving yourself to someone else. You need to have something good to give back when you meet someone good and giving. Not just use them to fill a hole in our lives because we're bored, lazy, needy, and lonely.
...............................
A
reader, anonymous, writes (16 November 2016): I think I can kinda relate as were the same sort of age.
I was in a bad relationship, it was awful and he behaved disgustingly but even now I miss him for the sake of the company which is about me, not him. I have friends, they're not losers but at a different point in life and very busy. Always busy.
At the beginning of the year I set myself a goal to learn new things, to read as many books as possible in a year, to go to places I'd never been before, learn to bake and make new friends. It was basically a bucket list for a year. I took myself on holiday (twice!) by myself. I wandered around towns in Italy and France and I soaked up the freedom and the adventure of it all. Did not sit around- I got a map and walked around cities, every museum and joined day trips even if I was the only single traveller.
And do you know what? There were times I felt lonely in the year but it was minimal because I always felt I was moving forward, it was all part of a bigger plan and I was determined. And now at this point in the year i feel a great satisfaction in the things i achieved because I got off my bum and did it.
Fine I don't own my own house, have a husband or some kids which many other early 30s do but I also know that plenty of my friends have been envious about what I've done that they couldn't do. Who can just take off on a weekend and drive to the coast or on a spa break or for a cookery course?
The grass isn't always greener on the other side and you only live once. You have a choice- accept the situation that your in and no nothing or change it. That really is the only way to have something different than what you already have. I really believe in positive energy and that it attracts other positive energy (if that makes sense) and if you can visualise the life you want then you can go out and get it.
State of mind counts for a lot! Today you may be lonely but tomorrow you could be starting your own adventure.
...............................
A
female
reader, Andie's Thoughts  +, writes (16 November 2016):
 You haven't given it enough time, OP. You're welcome to keep posting, but you'll get the same answers. We can't offer you more than what we have - you either take it, or remain stuck, unfortunately.
Volunteer, get a new job, develop a new hobby, etc.
Volunteer at an animal shelter: appreciate giving helpless creatures the love and care they need.
Volunteer with the homeless; it will help you realise how fortunate you are and it will give you a sense of achievement because you're giving others what they need to survive.
If you don't have a job or are not satisfied with the one you have, look for a new one that you enjoy.
Go to a library and spend an hour or so choosing a few books you'd like to read. Look for an art group, knitting group, walking group, etc.
There are things you can do, but you need to do them, OP. If you don't, you won't improve how you feel.
...............................
A
male
reader, Denizen +, writes (16 November 2016):
 It is hard not to appear trite in answering. The problem is clearly very real to you. Are you extrovert or introvert? Extroverts gain energy from being with crowds. Introverts are drained by them and need time alone to recharge their batteries.
Depending on which one you are, your solitude could be seen as a plus or a minus. And being alone isn't the same as being lonely.
You could volunteer, or join a group. You could attend a Quaker meeting. These days you don't have to believe in anything in particular to attend with the Society of Friends. They are good people.
If you are still having therapy could I suggest your therapist offers you a schedule of treatment with a time limit. Otherwise it is just expense upon expense week after week. It shouldn't be open ended. It is just a licence for him to print money. There is no pressure on him to get you well.
Basically you have to put yourself in a position to meet nice people. They aren't going to come looking for you.
...............................
|
