A
female
age
51-59,
anonymous
writes:Dear Cupid, I was wondering can two people who have been in bad relationships not together but with other people turn out to be the best couple knowing their backgrounds of relationships and will they need therapy.My friend and I are going to give it a try but we are going in as friends for now and maybe later on become boyfriend and girlfriend.It's more like FWB but we do want to be with one another.But I'm still guarding my heart I don't want the pass rubbed on me.What can I do for my sanity ?? Reply to this Question
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female
reader, Eagle'sfan1986 +, writes (18 November 2016):
I agree with honey honeypie and wise owl also. You shouldn't be in a relationship with your friend if you are having doubts about dating your friend since you both are single. And you been hurt by your ex. Letting the past torment you will make it worst for you and your friend if you both decided to date each other before you decided that your heart isn't into it at all. Be her friend for now on. I am so sure you guys can do the same things together while still being friends with one another. Then if you are ready to date her later on then you can do that.
A
male
reader, N91  +, writes (16 November 2016):
 Of course you can.
Ensure that you're both fully over whatever it was that plagued your last relationship though as to not bring into your new one and start with a clean slate.
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A
female
reader, Honeypie +, writes (16 November 2016):
 I fully agree with WiseOwlE
RESOLVE past issues first or you are more likely to repeat them or a variation thereof.
There are no guarantees in life, none. Remember that.
Having had a bad relationship in the past doesn't mean you can't have a healthy one later on. But there comes a point where you NEED to let go if the past in order to live in the here and now. MOST people I know have had a bad relationship, have been hurt and you are left with two choices. Feel sorry for yourself and distrust everyone or accept that you MADE a mistake being with that person and that you now know what you avoid.
And really IS it fair to JUDGE a new person for what an "old" one did to you in the past? Would YOU like to be judged for something another woman did? Not all people are the same, you know that.
Move slowly. You can not hurry a good budding relationship. Instead of guarding your feelings in order to not get hurt, just move slow and pay attention. If you see red flags that you ignored in past "bad" relationship then be aware and decide whether they are deal-breakers or not for you and then act accordingly.
My husband and I both had "bad" relationships before we met and dated each other. His ex-GF cheated on him and was generally a crappy person (yes, I have met her she really is.) And I went through the same. I took quite a break from dating before meeting my husband and while we ended up with a LDR we took it serious and slow. That was 20 years ago. Now, I'm not saying everything has been perfect, but we are BOTH able to work through whatever comes along. It's been worth it.
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A
female
reader, Eagle'sfan1986 +, writes (16 November 2016):
I am so sure you and your friend will be a lovely couple. If you are feeling like you are having doubts about being in a new relationship then you and your friend just need to be friends with each other right now. Don't be in the relationship if you are having doubts about being in one or guarding your heart from love. Don't let the past haunt you at all if you want to date your friend. Let the past stay in the paSt forever.
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reader, anonymous, writes (16 November 2016): My advice is not to commit yourself to a relationship until you have dealt with, and unloaded, your emotional-baggage.
Emotionally-damaged people do not belong in relationships.
People in the midst of getting-over a breakup or a divorce, do not belong in a new relationship. There must be a healing and recovery-period. Don't just the gun. Just casually date or keep company. Make new friends. Unless you are one of those people who supernaturally heal your wounds like a vampire.
The emotionally-traumatized or afflicted belong in rehab. They belong in therapy, or in the doctor's office. Nobody has to put-up with unbridled insecurities, jealousy, and trust-issues they didn't cause!
Tell you what, those are the people I kick to the curb. If they see that in me, I would understand if someone gave me the boot.
I've got my own issues to deal with. I did not commit myself to a new relationship until I was over the last one. It took time. I just wanted to be sure if some wonderful person came along for me, I was ready to give my best. I want to reciprocate and make sure they got what they deserved. Not somebody's messed-up emotional roadkill.
Hey, I've got my battle scars. They are proof of my triumphs! I lived on to tell you OP's about them, now that I'm on the other side. I can help you by what I know; not just what I've heard, or read.
If someone is so damaged that you can't trust anyone; or so traumatized you don't know what to do. Why get into another relationship? Only to sabotage it, and make some unsuspecting individual (risking their heart) your victim? All because you need another person to dump a pile of your emotional bullsh*t on; because many can't deal with themselves. Let alone dragging in someone else who is only looking for love. Not drama! This applies to all of us!
In your case, it's a good idea to take it slow; but you're setting yourself up. That's what I mean when I mentioned sabotage. You're going to play that emotional game of Russian Roulette to see who catches feelings; and who doesn't. Then getting hurt; because the other still wants the benefits; but not be saddled with commitment. One partner wants the FWB-relationship to resemble a real relationship; while the other wants to have sex with other people, or randomly date. Someone will lose the rule-book. Jealousy will turn the whole arrangement upside-down. Then up from the bowels comes all the baggage. Fears, distrust, suppressed anger,and other insecurities.
We will not heal 100%, let's be realistic. Only far too many people still have huge emotional scabs, and jump into new relationships for emotional sanctuary. Only to infect someone else, or totally f*ck them up! Draining them of their light and life energies. I've seen it happen too often!
You're better-off having the support of a good platonic friend. Keep sex out of it. Get therapy for ingrained issues you simply cannot get through on your own, read all you can, and educate yourself about self-improvement and enlightenment. Put into practice what you learn, or stay the hell out of adult-relationships. They require maturity, patience, logic, sanity, and a level-head.
We are in charge of ourselves, our own emotions, and our own behavior. It is not the responsibility of other people to fix us; unless that is their licensed formally-trained profession. We seek support and advice from others, but we do not commit them to relationships and hope by some miracle our body-dysmorphia, trust-issues, jealousy, control, or anger-issues; are just washed away. No, you put yourself in the repair shop, get your emotions under reasonable control; then you get out there and give it a try. Yes, your legs will be wobbly, but time will strengthen them. Confidence returns, given adequate healing time.
There is always risk in forming a new romance and building it to another level. It takes mutual effort. Not some hot-mess pulling in some really nice level-headed person and deceiving them into a hellbent relationship; and expecting them to understand and deal with it.
Sorry, I won't. I don't need hell on earth. I don't walk on eggshells for weaklings. I need peace, and worked too darned hard to learn from my mistakes to invest my feelings in a nutcase. I've been cheated on, dumped, suffered a minor-sexual assault, I've been lied to, and have chosen a variety of wrong guys. This was all a training-exercise and conditioning for the future. I've learned enough to pass some of it on. I'm still learning, and still stumble. Sometimes big-time!!!
I have had two very successful long-term relationships. One ended in the death of my partner; and the present one, I started in 2014. Going on three years this spring. We have our ups and downs, but he is even more compatible than my former partner of 28 years. Had I judged this wonderful guy by past failures and disappointments, we would never have come this far. I'm human. I say and do the wrong things sometimes. I have faults and imperfections. That's expected. I am not damaged by other people and taking it all out on my present guy. I have learned so much from his personality and character, and fusing that with what I know; I can help others even more.
We could breakup or make a mistake, but it's not connected with the past. I'm dealing with my present situation. I'm happy with, or without him. Oops! I hope he doesn't read that comment! He doesn't read my advice column. He does offer me his opinions, and they inspire me. Let's say he's my sounding-board and my rock; so I can offer more than one perspective to an OP like you. I want to educate and prepare you and others.
Everyone you meet is an individual. People all have similar traits; but everyone has a unique personality. We should all be judged and treated according to who we are; not punished for someone long gone, that you can't get over.
If the wound is still sore, don't stress the injury until it is fully-healed. That includes the heart and soul.
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