A
female
age
36-40,
anonymous
writes:Hey everybody.I don't know what to do. I have recognized that I'm in an abusive relationship. It's a mixture of extreme control/jealousy, verbal abuse, slight physical ("play hitting", has hit me 1 time, threatens to punch/hit me if I dont do something), and slight sexual (sexual coercion and 3 incidents of I guess almost rape but I gave in so I guess it doesnt really count).I have finally seen the light and know I need out. Thing is I don't know where to start. I'm scared of ending it with him. He knows where I live and says things like "it's not over til I say it's over".I have a report in the police but said to not act on it because if i pressed charges it takes so long to get a courtdate n stuff that he could get his revenge long before that date happens. He would get really mad at me and it scares me what he might do to me.How do I go about ending this? He kept promising to change in the past when I would try to breakup with him but he promised to change and I know now he won't. I am really afraid to do it in person even if others are around. He will start screaming and swearing at me and to be honest after the constant yelling I've endured from him over the course of our relationship..I just can't take anymore of the belittling and screaming. I'm wornout and I giveup. So if anyone has tips on how to end this safely please help me.And on a sidenote question, does anyone have tips on how to try and restore my selfesteem that he destroyed? I feel quite worthless that I won't ever find someone because of his constant "You wont find anything better than me" comments. I feel so embarrassed about myself for why I put up with this. I always used to read about women being abused and just said Well why doesnt she just leave? And now I know that once you're in it its so much harder. Nobody knows what I'm going through. my friends and family hate him and thought I broke up with him months ago and that we no longer associate. I left it like that because I didnt want my parents worrying...but now I dont know what to do anymore.
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broke up, revenge Reply to this Question
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female
reader, Tisha-1  +, writes (26 July 2009):
 Thanks, Quirklady! Excellent link. I've bookmarked it for myself.
A
female
reader, QuirkLady +, writes (26 July 2009):
 Crap. I added a period.
The correct link is http://www.aardvarc.org/dv/plan.shtml
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A
female
reader, Tisha-1 +, writes (26 July 2009):
I'm sorry to hear what you've been going through but happy to hear that you're taking steps to protect your mental and physical health. I'm looking for a set of links I had, but in the meantime, here's a list of things to do to detach from him: http://www.mental-health-matters.com/index.php?option=com_content&view=article&id=171&limitstart=2
I would tell family and friends what you're planning to do and that you might need help in this. Be honest with them; yes, they'll be upset but they also can help. What's worse, them being upset or you not getting the help and support you so desperately need? They'll get over it, I feel confident of that.
Also, look in the phone book for local domestic abuse hotlines or shelters and they should be able to guide you through the process.
Now that you know what you need to do, just keep your focus on the desired outcome. Now is not the time to panic, it is the time to plan. Get your resources lined up and lay your groundwork. Then you can act.
With my very best wishes.
P.S. Quirklady, that's a dead page link, as the organization apparently is reorganizing its webpage.
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A
male
reader, jj. +, writes (26 July 2009):
read codependency nomore by claudia black..by the book.it will be the best money you ever invested..take care.anybook store should have it..
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A
female
reader, QuirkLady +, writes (26 July 2009):
Congratulations on making the decision to leave. You made the right choice in choosing yourself and your happiness. I'm very proud of you! *hug*
Now you can make a safety plan. Check out http://www.aardvarc.org/dv/plan.shtml. It has steps that you can take to keep yourself safe during this time, including getting copies of your personal documents and finding the number to your nearest police station. The website also has other information that you may find helpful.
I will keep you in my thoughts and I wish you the best. Please keep us updated.
*hug**hug**hug*
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A
female
reader, misztoria +, writes (26 July 2009):
 An abusive person will not change their pattern unless they seek help for themselves. You do need to get out of this relationship and my advice would be to first get a restraining order (even if you know he won't obey it) and if you can go stay at a relative's house or somewhere he won't be able to get to you. This way you can file charges against him and wait for the court date. If you are this afraid of him then you need to take yourself somewhere safe. I don't exactly know the law in your country, but I had a friend go through this a week ago where her boyfriend finally acted on his threats and cut her throat. Luckily she is alive, but the freaking police didn't even arrest him! She's staying with family in another state until formal charges are brought up against him. Don't wait until he hurts you to do something about it. Stay safe!
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