A
female
age
36-40,
anonymous
writes:I have been going out with my bf for 3 years now and we have a healthy sex life. He is very good at giving me oral and used to do it loads because I do not orgasm during sex and that's the only way (apart from with vibrators) that I can orgasm. But since he got his job he's always too tired to give me oral (as it takes about 20-30mins), so we just have sex and he orgasms and I don't. I really miss oral and have told him but nothings changed. Is there any way I can encourage him without demanding and looking ungrateful? xx
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reader, anonymous, writes (16 July 2011): he,s just tired sweetheart. Better to cool off,and save the long lasting and oral until the weekends when he has more energy.x
A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (16 July 2011): Half an hour of oral sex is a rather long time. It may not seem that way to the person on the receiving end, but it is. And it becomes a chore when it's expected every time you have sex. Instead of putting the onus on him why not use a vibrator once in a while? Whether he watches or not you'd have your orgasm. Or as someone else suggested, save the sex for when you both have more energy.
I'd be very careful about withholding sex. However nicely you put it, chances are good that he'll see it as a punishment inflicted in anger. That will breed resentment.
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A
male
reader, Boonridge McPhalify +, writes (16 July 2011):
 sex is completely about a compromise between two people. therefore there is room to manoeuver.
meet in the middle.
simple
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A
female
reader, chigirl  +, writes (15 July 2011):
 How about you don't have sex as often, so he can save up his energy? Then when you do have sex, make it about quality and not quantity. Rather have two days a week of mind blowing great sex, than 6 days of mediocre in and out.
Give him a break from the sex and see how it goes, maybe he needs a reminder of what great sex is supposed to be like. Then pamper him a bit in return once you get to the quality sex.
I think that even if a guy orgasms, sex isn't necessarily better for him. If he just wanted the orgasm he could jerk off with his hand. It's about quality for men as well, and I think he feels the difference between regular in and out and mind blowing sex. Just because he orgasms doesn't mean its ok for him every time as long as he "gets there". The experience of love making matters to a guy as well.
I've actually had several men say they don't need to come, because they enjoyed the sex so much that having an orgasm isn't alway necessary. The whole experience matters more than the "result".
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A
male
reader, anonymous, writes (15 July 2011): Explain the golden rule to him.
Which is, "Do unto others as you would have done unto you."
Or, a simpler translation of the rule, in my own words.
"She comes first, and she cums first."
If that doesn't get through to him, God help him, and her, with his next relationship, perhaps she will get through to him.
Also, if he says that it takes to much work, remind him that he could have sex with guys and it wouldn't take nearly the effort....we come much easier.
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reader, anonymous, writes (15 July 2011): Sorry I should have explained how to aswell.
Next time he's horny OP instead of letting him just hop on, tell him you're not in the mood but that you probably will be if he "warms you up" first. You don't have to make it a nasty denial thing, you just use the same lame ass excuse as he does. You too are "too tired" or "not in the mood" so if he wants it he'll work for it.
You're not sexually satisfied, he's not making the effort either and he doesn't have to make that effort because there are no negative consequences. If he wants to be a dog about this, get his and not care about you then just train like a dog and make sex his reward for pleasuring you.
Sex should be mutual, okay the odd time it's not and that's okay sometimes, we all do things to make our partners happy even if we're not in the mood. But it's a very bad habit to get into, so put your foot down and nip it in the bud.
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reader, anonymous, writes (15 July 2011): Simple, no oral, no sex.
Eric and Hugh, no orgasm for her then no orgasm for him. He doesn't just get to hop on cum then fall asleep. It's nothing to do with gender I wouldn't tolerate selfishness from my girlfriend and she wouldn't tolerate it from me.
He says he's too tired, but he;s only too tired to make sure she's sexually satisfied, he's not too tired to make sure he is though.
She's tried talking to him, it hasn't worked. So it's simple really, no oral, no sex.
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reader, anonymous, writes (15 July 2011): Actually, how about rather than depending entirely on him to give you pleasure and putting pressure on him, you take matters into your own hands. If he is tired, why don't you say that you are going to pleasure yourself a little before sex, that way he gets to watch and not do anything, it turns him on and you on too, then before you orgasm, find a position where you can continue pleasuring yourself whilst he is inside you. I never experienced an orgasm through sex until I was 32, I had to take matters into my own hands, I played with myself whilst he thrust in me - of course I was well turned on before but it worked, and he didn't feel he had to do anything especially if he does just want to get on down without much foreplay!
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A
female
reader, person12345  +, writes (15 July 2011):
 I think you should try asking for oral before you have sex. If he refuses, then you shouldn't have sex. Don't be angry, just don't have sex. Sex isn't about pleasuring your guy and then you get a little something now and then, it's a joint thing and your needs aren't being met. Maybe a compromise is that he gives you oral every other time, and the times he doesn't he either uses a vibrator on you or you use it on yourself.
This isn't about making sure the oral sex is balanced it's about making sure everyone's needs are met.
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A
male
reader, Hugh.J +, writes (15 July 2011):
 Sex should NEVER be used as a bargaining counter by either party, "Boonridge"; sorry, but I disagree with you. It will only sour relationships.
OP, do his fingers do it for you? Or will he use your vibrator on you without feeling threatened - it can be great fun!
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A
male
reader, Boonridge McPhalify +, writes (15 July 2011):
dont have sex with him until he decides to meet your needs? simple. dont be angry but just decline sex saying you are not interested unless your needs are also going to be met. say that that is fair and stick to it without expressing any anger and see how he responds then.
if he wants a shag he'll be going down.
he's gotten into a rut of selfish because you have let him. choose to not let him take advantage.
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