| A
female
age
36-40,
anonymous
writes: Ok, here's the thing. My ex broke up with me a week ago. He was very controlling and hurtful, during most of the relationship, although it probably was more of my fault as I lied. But he intimidated me, as he's always been so aggressive, and he sometimes got upset over little things, and well i guess you get the picture. I lied, cowardly, to avoid such reactions. He insulted me, etc.Well, now it's hard moving on. I really thought he was the love of my life, despite the issues, most of the time he treated me like a queen. But still. I know I have to move on.He says he doesn't wanna talk to me anymore and that he hates me, but sometimes he still calls so it's hard to mantain NC. This is a small town. When I was with him, I restricted myself socially, a lot. Even on the net. I stopped talking to people, hanging out with friends, going to parties, etc. I also deleted all my social networking accounts, because he got upset.The thing is, now I need those things to get over him, I need to reconnect to old friends or meet new people. However, I'm sure once he finds out I'm doing this, he'll start bashing me again. Sending emails to say, I can just imagine, something like: "See, I know you're talking and hanging out with X and Y, and you've said this and that... see, I knew you were a sl*t".To get my point across, he once found out that I had posted in some forums. He got upset because someone had hypothetically asked if they would have sex for $100,000. I joked that I had learned that i should never accept less than one million from 'Indecent Proposal'. He got upset by that! I could never joke with my friends, or make jokes with some sexual remarks, as he thought I wasn't ladylike and a sl*t. I practically couldn't have male friends because i was not to be trusted, therefore, a sl*t. I couldn't go out with my female friends and have some drinks, because that wasn't ladylike and we were all sl*ts.You get the picture. So yeah, I was very sheltered while I was with him. If I ever went partying it was with him, and his friends.Now I'm back to being me, and I want my freedom back, but I'm scared that in the process he'll start making comments about how I'm a sl*t and all that. How can I not let this get to me? How can I be strong enough to not take it personally? How can I finally move on and not care about what he says and stop loving him? How can i effectively ignore his efforts to hurt me, as to not let my self esteem get hurt?Thanks!
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Fancy yourself as an agony aunt? Add your answer to this question! A
female
reader, :):):)  +, writes (24 May 2008):
You must realise that this man was controlling you and thinks he can do the same now. Ignore his calls, dont even open the emails he sends, its time for you to move forward and get your life back on track.
Try and reconnect with old friends, explain the situation you were in. If possible meet new friends by joining clubs or classes, this should beild your confidence.
It may be difficult but this is your new chance, by completly shunning him you are showing him that you dont care what he thinks anymore. Even when you miss him, think about all the things he has called you and how you dont want to fall back into this trap anymore. If he was aggressive then, he could be violent in the future.
Keep your head up, get out of the house and ignore his attempts to hurt you. You can move on if you choose to.
Good luck
xxx
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