A
female
age
36-40,
*iss_confused87
writes:I've posted a few times now and had some really good replies. I'm now in a situation where I am so unhappy with my life/marriage that I am actively pursuing affairs. In the 7 years we have been together we have grown apart, we are so different now. I want so much more from life but he is happy with what he has. I keep going over how to tell my husband I want a divorce and I can never bring myself to do it. I can't stand the thought of breaking his heart...he has no family and no friends to help pick up the pieces. How can I destroy his world when I am all he has?! I have a nice life, a good job, nice home but it's just not enough. I think this also reflects the doubts I have about getting a divorce.I know I'm being a coward by cheating and it's not fair but at least he is happy. I do care for him and love him as a friend. So the question is how do I know 100% that a divorce is the right thing to do and how do I do it? Or is this as good as it gets and I need to work on relationship and myself?As you can tell, I am pretty confused about all this. Part of me wants my cake and to eat it but I know my cheating is a sign of there being major issues in my relationship. Whatever is wrong or whatever my decision I know things shouldn't go on like this.....it's not right or fair. Help!!
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male
reader, anonymous, writes (24 November 2011): "My head is a total mess and I feel so low."Yes, you are a mess, but you realize that. Get professional help now."I'm just a coward and a very confused mixed up little girl."No, you are not a coward, nor are your a little girl. You may feel like one BUT feelings are just feelings, they are not reality. You need help."The problem is me and not my marriage"You are right on the first part..."so maybe it would be worse if he wasn't there."...may be right on the second part. Personal friend of mine was married at about your age, the marriage broke up in cheating and drug use and all sorts of other issues, went on and screwed everyone she could for years afterward, numbers mounted up into the hundreds of partners, second marriage, different type of guy, she fell apart in that one as well, but only cheated once, but she said later that if her husband hadn't been there for her, and had not stayed despite the affair, she'd have definitely repeated the prior self destructive cycle. Her husband, also a friend of mine, worked with her and her counselors and stayed by her side after the affair, swallowed his hurt for years, and she eventually was able to get the help she needed, and they seem to be happy together now.But, he has the right to know what he's doing, you can't have the relationship and secrecy like this, and it be fair to him. He deserves a choice. Secrecy removes that from him.
A
female
reader, Miamine +, writes (22 November 2011):
 Babes, no matter how nice he is, you don't want to stay. You can't stay anyway, it's not fair to him and it's not fair to you. You are stopping both of yourself finding love from someone more suitable.Do you remember when you was a kid and you fell over and got a cut. Remember how your mother (or whoever) put a plaster on to stop the blood. You would go running and crying, blood dripping down your leg. It would get cleaned up, with some nasty medical stuff that stung and hurt like hell. But it would be cleaned and protect the leg from getting a worse infection. Then when the bandage had to come off, there was always the problem off getting off. If you tore it off too slowly then it would take a long time and hurt anyway. Brave kids, just ripped the plaster off. Over and done in seconds, the pain a memory before it even got started.This dragging out the leaving, it helps no one. You know your going to leave. You can't live like this for the rest of your life. Now be the brave little girl and find a way to rip off that plaster. I'm not sure if you should mention the cheating - not sure at all - It might just be a little too cruel. The guy will loose his woman, telling him about an affair might cause him to loose his pride as well. I don't know, you know the guy better than me.
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female
reader, Miss_confused87 +, writes (22 November 2011):
Miss_confused87 is verified as being by the original poster of the questionThank you so much for the kind replies. I expected a much harsher response. Your words really hit home. I told him tonight that I wasn't happy and that I think we should split up. After a lot of crying...from both of us, he asked me to try and work at things first. He says all he wants if for me to be happy. I actually feel worse now as he is such a good guy. I owe it to him and myself to really try to work at this relationshi. But as I said to him, my heart is not completely in it anymore and he deserves better.
I am contemplating telling him about the cheating but I do t know if that is for his benefit or mine. I can't see it getting any better but watching him hurt this evening breaks my heart. My head is a total mess and I feel so low. I'm just a coward and a very confused mixed up little girl. The problem is me and not my marriage so maybe it would be worse if he wasn't there. Thanks again for advice...I just hope I can make a decision and stop all this hurt I'm causing to myself and my husband :(
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male
reader, anonymous, writes (21 November 2011): "I am so unhappy"It's not his fault.It's probably not your fault.But you can fix it, he can't, neither can those other men you are pursuing.Different man, same problem.Divorce, not an answer, just another step wading around in the mess. It may be something you need to do, but first go get professional counseling help for yourself."How can I destroy his world when I am all he has?"You are not all he has. But, your cheating on him with another man or woman destroys his world far more surely than respectful separation and divorce.
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female
reader, So_Very_Confused  +, writes (21 November 2011):
 Cheating is wrong you know that.
but i get the whole what I wanted at 21 is not what I want at 29 thing.. I lived that... I had two kids and I had to leave... i had no job but I had family.
YOU give yourself a LOT Of POWER by saying he will totally crumble and die if you leave... that you are all he has. Or are you maybe afraid that he WON'T crumble and die if you leave.
cheating is the cowards way out.. it's sort of what I did to end my marriage... (the current one not the first one)... I started an open relationship with the man that is my current partner. I kept no secrets from my then husband about it... and eventually he said he was leaving and I offered to help him pack. I needed HIM to leave me as opposed to me leaving him..... it was awkward... but it needed to be done. while we were not fighting a lot, we were both not thrillingly happy...
if you have no children... you need to be brave and strong and let him know that you want out. DAMN it SUCKS to leave someone you care about but no longer are in love with but at a young age it makes sense.
cheating is the cowards way out... you hope he will catch you and be so outraged he will leave.
that's disrespectful to him and your marriage.
be brave... take the leap... for all you know he's not any happier than you are... you both may be walking through the motions.
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male
reader, anonymous, writes (21 November 2011): Often times people go into marriage thinking that they will find happiness for themselves. However, the true happiness in marriage is the happiness you see in your spouses eyes and not the one you feel in your heart.The love you give each other is what keeps the marriage alive. You are him and he is you. That's what marriage really is. His joy is your joy, his sorrow is your sorrow, his failures are your failures, his successes are your successes, his tragedies are your tragedies and his triumphts are your triumphts. Now you know what this vow 'for better or for worse' truly means. Believe me there are women out here who remain married to their husbands who've become paralysed with stroke, never to hear the voice of their husband saying 'I love you' to them ever again. Women outhere who will never experience the joy of being made love to by their husband because of his paralysis from the waste down due to some freak accident but still remain married to them and caring for them. Women out there who still remain married to a husband who is rotting away in prison.The true test of marriage will come when the ship of love sails into the the storm of trials. It is easy to jump ship but it takes selfless love to sail that ship into and past the eye of the storm. You have a choice now. Whether to bail out and leave the ship to be capsized and consumed by the waves or be the fearless captain and sail it with courage and hope knowing that this storm will pass and calm waters are just ahead.
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female
reader, anonymous, writes (21 November 2011): He has no family - that is not his fault of course but no friends and only YOU ?? This in itself is not a healthy situation surely you can see that. You would do him a favour by seeking a divorce. He needs to spread his wings too and be given a chance just as you do. In the end moving on is the kindest thing you can do.
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