A
female
age
36-40,
anonymous
writes:Hi Everyone.I apologise for the length of this problem.OKAY so I am quite an easy going person. I respond to banter, even the odd jokey name calling and can take a joke as well as the next person. But I am also very shy, sensitive and sometimes a little bad tempered. But at work I act professionally, even if a little teasing in nature.Lately I have begun to notice that one of my work colleagues, who is known to be abrupt, sharp and rather rude has been directing personal remarks at myself but acting like she is making a joke.Other colleagues have said they find her abrupt, but they pay no attention to her. They find her abrupt yet when it comes to me she is rather malicious.I asked colleagues if she had ever commented on their private life, their answer was no, and yet she has plenty to say to my face and to others anything about me. My family, my boyfriend, my pet, my friends...anything she can think of. And I am not a person who goes round talking about myself to colleagues. Only those I am close to and have been working with for a long while. What she picks up is from other colleagues and a few people I work with in the community.I like some banter and the people in the community i work with respond to it in kind. Colleagues and those in the community always say they can see when i am teasing and jesting as I try and fail to smother a smirk when they look at me. I have been wracking my brain trying to figure out if i have upset her in some way but although I am one of three managers, i have always been approachable, every one says so. And i am 99% positive i have never said anything derogatory to her face. As i am not that sort of person.We got into a debate a few days ago, and while i kept my voice at a quiet medium she may as well have been speaking to me from Jupiter all the shouting she was doing and speaking over me and completely dismissing my opinion although we are all entitled to one. To end the argument she came up with 'Well Annie agrees with what i say'Now Annie is my closest friend at work and outside of work. Everyone is aware of this and they call us the two ronnies. Her bringing Annie into the conversation i know was her way of trying to shut me up and it riled me. My reply was, 'Good for Annie. But what you have to realize is that me and Annie are also two separate people who sometimes have differing views.'Upon speaking to Annie a few hours later, i mentioned this and she said she had never agreed with her anything of the sort. And as the subject we were talking of was of a sensitive nature, i know Annie wouldn't have because she has a family member in the same position. So whats that all about?I suppose what i am asking is how can i defend myself from this person. She said something very personal to me a few nights back and i was so upset i had a bit of a cry in my car before setting off home.I am not a person who argues with anyone and i get angry because i know i am failing to stick up for myself, which is also making me upset.I have bought a book on assertiveness because i know i am a rather easy going manager. But out of the 16 people I work with, everyone else is friendly and respect me, and of course we banter.I am not miserable about it but i do get angry and need advice on how to deal with it.It may seem petty but for me it isn't. Hope you can help.Thanks.
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female
reader, Honeypie  +, writes (1 May 2014):
 Is she a person who is below you in the "food-chain"?
I would talk to her supervisor about her, and about how she is creating a hostile environment. Note it down every time.
SHE knows she is getting to you. She find YOU the weak link for whatever reason (most likely something personal, such as jealous of you, your job, car, pay..)
I agree with the two statements Auntie Tisha mentioned, they are clear and professional. DO NOT take shit from her, but DO NOT engage in "debates" or "discussions" with her either SHE IS A SUBORDINATE.
Pull back on the banter and jokes. PULL back on personal information you don't want thrown in your face later on, and that is TO/with ANYONE.
BE calm, be assertive, be short. YOU DO NOT owe her explanations for everything.
A
female
reader, CindyCares  +, writes (1 May 2014):
 Now you have seen why banter and teasing and smirks seem a good idea, when you are in a position of authority, but actually they are not. There HAS to be some distance ; it would sound so great , a faculty dean who slaps his grad students on their backs, an officer who cracks jokes with the privates, ... but then , this is what happens, lines between personal and professional roles get blurred easily, boundaries are crossed, professional grievances spill over personal resentments, and viceversa- and you have episodes like the one you report , where jocular becomes malicious, and ,on turn, sensitivities are hurt.
You don't need to run a supertight ship in an atmosphere of terror, but , unless is some small pop-and-mom outfit , or a firm where EVERYBODY is a partner at the same level of qualifications and responsibility - you can't even afford to turn it into an informal house party. The atmosphere can be relaxed and serene, and always very polite- minus the " banter ". Keep that for your closest pals after work hours , or during breaks, or at least out of hearing of the general " infantry ",- do not volunteer too many details about your personal life, and if something is really private and sensitive- keep it just like that and do not share it to your office buddies .Familiarity breeds contempt. What you'll lose in " popularity ", you'll gain it in efficiency and respect.
Of course , in front of episodes like the one you mention, you'll have to pull rank .You'll have to read her the riot act , and make crystal-clear what is on and what is not, and could in fact have serious consequences. But, pulling rank all of a sudden, out of the blue, is always more difficult, unpleasant and controversial than setting proper boundaries from the start.
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A
reader, anonymous, writes (1 May 2014): The problem is, everyone has gotten too familiar and professionalism has taken a holiday. There is too much joking and bantering going on; and it seems like concentration on the job is taking a backseat.
It is unclear if you are speaking of another manager, or one of the people under your management.
When bantering and jokes become personal-attacks, that is an indication your authority and credibility is being challenged. She uses ambiguity in her remarks to make you look over-sensitive. The truth is, you are. That makes you an easy target.
I think your friend Annie is back-stabbing you.
She talks behind your back. Stop sharing intimate details about your life with Annie. Just be friendly, don't let on you suspect anything. No more heart to heart talks about your personal-affairs. Sometimes friends get envious and they turn on you. They use other people to do their dirty-work. I'm sure this has already crossed your mind.
You've given your office-enemy an opening, and she is throwing you curves. That is because she simply doesn't care for you, and may have recruited Annie as a secret ally. They may both envy your managerial status; and may feel you're unworthy of the position.
The enemy feels you're too easy-going and well-liked. So she knocks you off-balance; to demonstrate how weak and passive you are. Undeserving of respect. Undermining your authority with the objective to make you lose respect from those under you.
You can't be friends with everyone, and it isn't your responsibility to try and win her over. If she answers to you in the office-pecking order; simply cut her off at the knees.
Time to put her in her place, and assert your authority. She behaves differently from the others, so treat her differently from the others. Who gave her permission to be so flippant?
First, don't react to anymore of her insults.
Pause and go suddenly-cold and professional. Firmly suggest: "well things have gone from people-friendly to personal-attacks." Let's say we end this chatter and everyone get back to work." Retreat to the ladies room to splash some water on your face and regain composure. You'll probably be red-faced and puffy-eyed. She shouldn't see that.
Cold-shoulder her from that point and go about your workday. The silence will confuse her. She wants you to fight back. Go about your day. Your usual self with everyone else. Discuss only work when talking to her.
If she makes a joke, don't even crack a smile. No reward.
Getting visibly-shaken, or easily offended, shows your ineptness to handle her. If there is no fighting back, then she doesn't know what you're thinking; or if she has struck a nerve. Keep her guessing.
Stop falling apart when she bullies you. That's the secret.
Go stone-cold professional every-time she steps out of line. Firmly inform her that her remarks come across mean-spirited and unprofessional.
Never again engage her in an office-confrontation. She has the upper-hand on you there. She knows how to unnerve you, and you make it all to obvious when you get rattled.
You have to toughen-up. Stand your ground without responding to her verbal jabs. The less you say in return, takes the wind out of her sails. The less you get rattled, the more power you will assume over her. She'll start to look like a bitter old sour-puss; you'll look cool and professional. When she notices she can no longer get to you, she'll be a little afraid of you.
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A
reader, anonymous, writes (1 May 2014): Whatever her problem is, she's being VERY disrespectful and aggressive towards a colleague ( let alone her professional superior) and in any contract of employment, there will be something about this sort of behaviour NOT Being tolerated. Workplace is a place to be CIVIL and PROFESSIONAL... Regardless of personal feelings. If she can't do that she needs to be disciplined. You're a manager, you'll have a copy of her contract somewhere. Write down any instances where she's openly nasty or aggressive. As in what was said, the time, date... I've been given the odd disciplinary before (lol :/) and little details are important, as long as they're significant. Use your initiative as to what could be considered openly disrespectful. For the time being try what Tisha said. If she carries on, check her contract and see how to enforce official action. She's got to learn to deal with her attitude. Take care x :)
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A
female
reader, cattycakes +, writes (30 April 2014):
There are some possibilities to consider. One, she is trying too hard to fit in and sees you doing jockey banter with others, so joins in, not understanding that her style is upsetting you. She is basically being over familiar. The next is that your personalities clash. It may simply be that. She may be jealous. So, why not be straightforward. When she makes a comment just say "Hhhm, bit too personal, I am not discussing that at work". "My personal life may be thrilling but not here thanks". Don't get into discussions. Perhaps it is a time to rein in some of the information you share generally at work. Be friendly but keep yourself to yourself.
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A
female
reader, Tisha-1 +, writes (30 April 2014):
 "I see you hold a different opinion on the subject. We'll just have to agree to disagree. Now I have to get back to work."
"That was a personally hurtful remark. I will overlook it this time but I will not tolerate that sort of comment from you in the future. Please do not say such a thing to me again. I am asking you politely now, please stop."
"You know, at a certain point, it goes from being jokey banter to being frankly insulting and you are beginning to cross that line. Let's get back to being professional now. I am done with this conversation."
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (30 April 2014):
Your her manager? Have I picked this up correctly ...
You defo need to get a grip on his purely for your own sanity.. She is making your position very rocky.. So when she starts again I regard to information regarding your family or anything that pricks your neck .. Say this is my family business and I decide with whom I discuss my personal life with, and since its not you let's move this topic on to work related.. As if this isn't a work topic, then I'm sorry I am not willing to discuss it ..
If she persist keep a log of what she said when etc as if she being nasty then you have no other option than to report it to your senior ..
Take care and don't let this eat you .. Be firm but polite ..
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