A
female
age
41-50,
anonymous
writes:My husband of 5 years and I have had a rocky marraige. Not only does he suffer from Bipolar mood disorder, but he also has a drinking problem. A few days ago, I got home from work to be told by my husband that he needed a break and was going out. He told me he was going to the Casino for a few hours. He never came home... The next morning when he stumbled in at 5am, I was hysterical. I had been up all night worrying about him. I called at least 5 times, and every time I called him, he told me he would be home soon, and wouldn't say where he was. I knew he wasn't at the casino because I heard women and music in the background. I found his underpants laying in his car, and he told me he had gone to a strip joint. When I questioned him about his underpants, he said he didn't remember what happened exactly as he had too much to drink. He said he possibly did have sex with someone in the car. The story evolved to what he says is the truth, that he was at a private massage palour all night with a male friend, and that all he got was a massage in a jaccuzzi. Do I believe him? He swears it is the truth, but the truth came out in 4 different versions before the "final: one. How do I get past this infidelity. How do I believe him. He has hurt me so many times with lies over the years - once before he kissed a woman and they were communicating by phone for weeks before he came clean because I saw his phone by accident. I am really at a loss as what to do. I do not know how to trust him, and get past this betrayal. I don't even know if he has given me the full truth. I do love him very much. He says he loves me, and I mean the world to him, and he has apologised over and over again for what he did and says he will never ever do this to me again. I don't know if it is enough. How can I deal with this hurt and pain and learn to trust my husband again?
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reader, anonymous, writes (27 October 2008): This is verified as being by the original poster of the questionThank you to "Kawika" and "Icelordess" for the advice. I need all I can get right now, because I really don't know what to do.
To answer your questions, yes he is on medication for his Bipolar, and we have already been for counselling earlier this year. We were blissful for about 6 months during and after the counselling. He knows he has a drinking problem, and even attempted AA for a while... then left because it made him feel like less of a man, and he felt he didn't fit in with the group.
I also am torn thinking about whether I should give him the "either you do this or I leave" speech, or whether I should leave it up to him to make the steps to salvaging our marraige.
A
male
reader, Kawika  +, writes (27 October 2008):
 Sorry for saying this...but, your husband is an idiot. I don't know why you are placing the pain on yourself when he is the problem. The question is not whether you SHOULD trust him again...it is whether you CAN trust him again. Trust and loyalty is the backbone to any marriage without it there is no substance...no life...no future. A REAL MAN would never place his wife in a position where she has to decide whether she can trust him again. A Real Man is not only responsible to provide, protect, and support his wife...He must HONOR her...bottom line. Sorry for the harsh words, but YOU DESERVE BETTER.
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