A
female
age
36-40,
anonymous
writes:I would like to hear some opinions on a situation I have with my brother. We were very close growing up, having to deal with a mentally unstable father who manipulated everyone around him and dictated how everyone should behave, say, and do. My brother cut contact with him when he became an adult, and we were still close, but he withdrew more and more from me as well. Then he got a child with a friend of mine. Since then it's just been a nightmare. My friend has gone aloof and won't see me or the rest of my family when we come visit (we live in different cities), she claims it's never a good time.My brother has gotten angry, like a really angry person. Everything you do or say is wrong, you get yelled at, snapped at, and he's always "right" even though you didn't start a debate with him. He just chimes in with his opinion and snaps at you if you disagree. It reminds me very much of our father, who would also use anger to get everyone to shut up and agree with him.I went to celebrate Christmas at my mother's, and my brother and his family came, and all they did was comment and make snide remarks. My brother in particular. He was rude, would just walk straight into me and bump me if he felt I was in his way, and there was always a sassy comment waiting. I recently got a puppy, and had been messaging my friend (brothers girlfriend) about it and she said she couldn't wait to see it, that we should bring it along etc. Then when we got there she would complain about how the dog was running across the living room. She thought it was too loud when the child was sleeping in the room below (the child did not wake up!!). Then the final drop came when they left the child's toys on the floor and the puppy went over to it, and they would start screaming at me for not watching the puppy and laying down demands about it not being allowed to touch or go near the toys because the, "child is more important than the dog", and my brother even made a comment about how the dog should just be in a cage all day long and not walk free about the house. I mean, seriously, they could just pick the toys up from the floor, right? And what's with all the attitude? I snapped back because they should just pick up the toys then, the dog wasn't biting the toys or doing anything to it, but they claimed it would take a piss on the toys and suddenly there was no end to how many times they'd stepped in dog piss... It's not house clean, it's a puppy, but we've cleaned up every time, and again, why leave the toys on the floor then?! And it's not like the toys couldn't be cleaned, they were plastic toys! Just a wipe and it's good again. I have to add, this is AFTER the child has gone to bed, and is not there using the toys, because when the child was there we kept the dog away (puppies nibble at everything, so we didn't keep them together).I would really like to hear opinions, I get that becoming a parent changes your perspective, but to go in a rage over a toy on the floor, that can be cleaned, or can be put away, seems off on me. They went hysterical and stormed out of the house, and refused to come back for the rest of the holiday. Oh yeah, and I'm banned from seeing my niece again because of this!
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female
reader, Lynx Lonestar  +, writes (8 January 2016):
 It sounds like your brother likes holding people as emotional hostages. He likes knowing that his family members are "on their toes" around him and that he can act as argumentative and obnoxious as he likes, and everyone will tolerate his rude behavior. He is using your niece as a bargaining chip. Your mother is scared to defy him too, because it would mean being cut off from seeing/having a relationship with her grandchild. Sounds like a toxic, toxic man. I suspect BPD. Best thing to do is tell him that you didn't mean any harm bringing the puppy around, and that even though you love him, and he will always be your brother, you don't approve of how he's treating the family right now. Until he can control his rages, you don't need to be around somebody who flies off the handle like that over every little thing. Trust me, it won't get better until he acknowledges that he has a real problem.
A
female
reader, aunt honesty  +, writes (6 January 2016):
 It sounds like your brother may have learnt these habits from his father and that he thinks it is okay behavior. It does sound like he has some control and anger issues. But again only he can fix these when he accepts that there is a problem.
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reader, anonymous, writes (5 January 2016): This is verified as being by the original poster of the questionThank you for your answers. I could understand worrying about the puppy peeing, we brought it out every so often, but accidents do happen. However no one else in the house had stepped in any pee, so I think he was just making that up as we'd been taking the puppy outside often and making sure he peed when out. But whether or not he peed near or at the toys, he could still pee on the floor, and the child was walking on the floor, so I didn't see the difference between them being okay with the dog being on the floor, or being in the house, in the first place. Why then tell me to bring the puppy along? Don't they know puppies aren't house trained? We just got him a week before Christmas, it's not like he's had the time to learn it.
We even suggested at the beginning to be in a different house as my mother has several buildings we can stay in, but my mother wanted us all together. If they were nervous about it why couldn't they just bring it up in an orderly manner or maybe move houses themselves, or we'd happily move houses. The houses are just 3-5 minutes walking distance from one another, not really a big deal. Which is what they ended up doing anyway after this blow out, they went to the other house to live there for the remaining days.
My mother was tired of their complaining and remarks as well, but she kept quiet during the argument. She's afraid my brother will cut her out from his life too if she speaks up against him, and that way she wont get to see her grandchild at all. However both my mother and her fiance, (and my own boyfriend who was also there), agreed with me. We discussed it after they left, and they'd been swallowing camels with my brother and his gf since they arrived about a week prior to me arriving. I heard my brother several times go off on her for not doing things the "proper" way, in his mind. My brother even had the nerve to go off on my boyfriend, whom he barely knows, for not closing a door exactly the way he wanted it to be closed (it was closed, just not the exact way my brother would have done himself). We got told off on everything we did, actually. Don't even get me started on opening Christmas presents, I handed them out the wrong way, we didn't start at the exact time he wanted (and then he just kept nagging and complaining until we all finally sat down to do it)...
Even before this blow out, after just three days with them, I told my boyfriend in private that this was the last time I would celebrate Christmas with my brother and his girlfriend because it was plain awful to be there and they made me feel miserable. I sat in tears by myself on several occasions just trying to tell myself they're just hysterical because they are first time parents and try to control everything. They don't even bring their child outdoors, and I was extremely surprised they let me be alone with my niece on one occasion, because they're always hovering over her and commenting everything you do. Either you say the wrong thing to her, or teach her the wrong way or whatnot. But that's also something our father did, extreme over protection. We weren't allowed outdoors either, and we were not allowed to visit others or play with other children unless our father had approved (which he never did).
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A
female
reader, aunt honesty +, writes (5 January 2016):
If your brother is showing signs of how your father used to be well then maybe he is following some off his traits. Am afraid though that this is his personality and if you try and talk to him about it I fear that you will lose him.
After telling them about the puppy and them telling you to bring the puppy well then I don't see what the huge issue was. I can understand there being some concerns as there was there child's items lying around, and also if the child is still young they will be crawling around with the germs on the ground. What did your mother make off the situation?
It sounds to me like everybody's emotions where running high and a few where getting stressed, and sure this will settle.
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A
female
reader, Honeypie +, writes (5 January 2016):
 I honestly can see both sides here - to a point.
I would NOT want a little one to be on the floor where there is puppy pee etc. Nor would I want a puppy to sniff or lick baby toys. The pee is fairly easy avoided by taking the puppy out to pee every 20-40 minutes. After all it needs to be be potty trained anyways, regardless of holidays. And maybe..... it wasn't the brightest idea to bring a puppy to a family Christmas event, if it's NOT potty trained. I for one wouldn't be happy about a puppy peeing everywhere... yes, it can be cleaned but it's still nasty.
HOWEVER, I think your brother and his GF are a couple of over the top drama-llamas.
If they felt the puppy might pee on toys (which I doubt) why leave them on the floor? That is crazy and nasty.
Personally, I don't agree that you can "just" wipe down baby toys with a rag and they are all clean. Babies and toddlers put everything in their mouths. Toys should be cleaned properly. Some can just be stuck in the dishwasher or washed in warm soapy water. (which they should anyways, puppy or no puppy).
First time parents can be nutty and worried about germs and diseases. So that part I can understand.
You describe that your brother is starting to act in many ways like his father and that your father had mental issues, so MAYBE your brother had some of the same traits? Or maybe when he is stressed he acts like your dad without noticing?
I would let it go. And I would leave them be. Enjoy your puppy, potty/house train it (not for their sake but for yours) and let the drama-llamas do their own thing. If they want to DENY their child an aunt, there really isn't much you can do. Hopefully they will learn to chill in time.
And remember you can't change them or how they feel, only your own actions and thoughts. So if you don't see eye to eye... just give them their space and enjoy your OWN life.
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