A
female
age
51-59,
*ooSad
writes:I'm a married woman, and I've fallen for a married man. This started last year when I noticed him from afar looking at me all the time. I ignored him for several months, being married - but eventually I realised I was attracted to him, and we had a serious BOOM moment of attraction across a room. Corny hey? It was like the lightening bolt everybody tells you to wait for. I've never had one before.We then started to get to know each other better over the next few months and we talked a lot. We'd play flirty games with each other, and often look longingly at each other across the room. The tension was getting ridiculous, and I decided that I had to get to know him better (wrong or right. Please dont judge me, that isnt why I am here. I didnt think I would ever be in this position - I do have morals. I'd become emotionally attached to him), and so I gave him my number and asked him to call me. But, he said he couldnt call me because he is married. He has stayed friendly with me and the attraction and longing looks continue.I know that I should put him out of my head, and concentrate on my marriage. But I can't. Before I met him I was reasonably happy in my marriage. But now I have met this man I want him more than anything. Even though we are both married (both with children), and even though he has said he cant see me. He lingers just to say Hi to me. I know he thinks of me.I dont know where I am anymore - My life has been completely thrown off track. I'm not stupid, but I've never felt like this about anybody before. it's not about sense, it is about emotion and attraction, and I cant find it in me to put him out of my mind. I have dug deep to try and forget him, but it's just not in me. I believe he is genuine and is trying not to go there with me - but he wants to, doesnt he?. Why doesnt he just stay away from me? Please dont just tell me to stay away from him for mine and everybody else's sake as that is not the answer I am looking for. I know that is what I SHOULD do, but I dont want to do it. You will say I am selfish - but arent we all when we fall in love? I dont want any regrets, you only live once, and I dont want him to get away. What should I do? Will he change his mind and see me?
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female
reader, anonymous, writes (11 April 2007): You know what? It really doesn't matter whether his intentions are "good" or "bad."
You have to put this completely out of your head at this point and resolutely turn your back on such questions. You recognize this is dangerous territory. Speculating and indulging in such ideas - "this way lies madness."
For your own self-respect and the sake of your marriage, I strongly urge you to focus on your husband, and other activities in your daily life. Get some marital counselling if necessary.
I doubt you really want to face the question of getting a divorce from your husband, and hoping this man (he has not encouraged you so its not even remotely likely) would leave his wife to be with you.
A
female
reader, SooSad +, writes (10 April 2007):
SooSad is verified as being by the original poster of the questionThanks everybody for your honest responses. It's much appreciated that you haven't berated me, though you have made your feelings very clear in a kind way.
I think the thing that kills me, and which will drive me mad as you so rightly pointed out, is the wondering what his intentions are. Is he "good" or is he "bad"? I've never been so attracted to somebody (husband included) and I will always wonder. The thought that I could look back in the future and think he was The One That Got Away, in that he WAS Good & Genuine and all he needed was a little "push" for us to get together. But that is very dangerous territory I know, and he has had his little "push" already, and has not acted on it (wisely).
When I read back what I had written the thing that stood out was the fact that he hasnt backed off now he knows I'd like to see him. If this genuinely was the first time anything like this has happened to him (which is what he proclaims) then he'd surely be terrified and run a mile. Though this is the first time it's happened to me and I havent run a mile either, so I dont know if that makes him "good" or "bad" or just "confused".
Thank you again for your honesty.
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (10 April 2007): Hello ! I am really sorry that you are going through all these emotions and having a hard time. I agree with everybody else, a relationship with this guy is only more trouble in life. Emotions especially love ,is heavy stuff and every woman likes being inlove, I know that you enjoy the thrill, excitment, and attraction with him but you will end up getting hurt my dear friend.Try to be strong, and do not stay around him, and get involved with something that you like doing in your spare time.Always occupy yourself in something, becasue quiet time alone will only make you think of him more. try focusing all that love and attraction to your hubby, both of you should spend some quality, romatic time together. I know that sometime men just don't get it, but let him know that you feel lonely, and that you both need to spice up your married life. You can do it, believe me, just put your mind to it. If he in uncorparative, then make him understand how much you miss the way you two use to be inlove. i do know sweetie, that you love this other guy, but there is going to be a lot of tears and pain if you persue a relationship with him. Please do not have an affair with him becasue you deserve better than just an affair.I wish you all the best and hope that I have been of some help to you in someway.
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (9 April 2007): Well, even when one is married, it doesn't mean you will never again find someone of the opposite sex attractive. So first of all, recognize that.BUT, the difference is that even though you may be attracted to another man, the fact is you are married. This means you don't act on it by having any kind of affair (either emotionally - which means thinking of him constantly and longing for him, and this is what you are doing) OR by having sex with him. Not acting on this attraction is the ethical and responsible thing to do. You say you have morals, so behave accordingly!You say you don't want us to tell you to stay away from him. Nevertheless, that is exactly what I am going to tell you to do.Think about the hurt and betrayal it would cause your husband if he thought you were in love with this man! And what about this man's wife and family? How would they feel, do you think?You should turn your attention to getting back the "spark" in your marriage and/or beginning to come to grips with whatever there is that is dissatisfying to you in your marriage.Birdy and Irish have given you some really good advice. I hope you pay attention to it!
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A
reader, anonymous, writes (9 April 2007): Birdy gives you great advice. And I will add my own comments here. I have to ask, What exactly are you looking for here, hun? An affair? A lifetime with this man? How can you post a question like this and tell us all, "dont just tell me to stay away from him for mine and everybody else's sake as that is not the answer I am looking for". Excuse me? Well, I for one am not going to give you permission and say it's okay to approach this married guy and suggest an affair with him, when I know full well, how this incredible act of selfishness will 'blow up your marriage and the lives of your family'. Sigh...Anyways, I will be the first to tell you. With a sense of Fidelity comes with the deeper commitment of marriage, not the wandering eyes of momentary thrills and butterflies that you are merely feeling for this other man. Think with your head, not your emotions, dear. Where is all this flitting and dancing around getting you? No where. Why doesn't he just stay away from you? To be honest? He's playing an ego game. or he's dwelling on the possibility of having a 'fun time with you, on the side. You want passion, love and all those great wonderful feelings and all he wants is...sex. He told you he's not about to forgo his family for you, so you know where his true committment and love lies. Everything you have said in your posting has been about how 'you' feel. There is nothing written in your posting, that proves without a doubt, he cares deeply for you. All you are going on is the fact that he lingers to say hi, you two play flirty games, he's friendly and you both share longing looks. My instincts are telling me, you are being set up for a "good time in the sack' and nothing else. The challenge of the chase has intrigued him and you are denying what he is really, doing here. Hun, your desperate, needy feelings are blindsiding you to what is likely the rational truth. You really, really have to take off those rose colored glasses and face reality. The man is looking for a illicit affair and you are likely his targeted victim. Or perhaps, you have targeted him? And what will a roll in the sack accomplish? Both of you are simply dancing around, playing mindgames with each other, because you are both bored with your spouses. You say you love your husband? All I can say, is you should look deep within yourself and find out why, you can so easily disconnect and detach yourself from your sense of love and committment to your husband and family. Go back to your husband and family and become a stronger, more giving person. That's all it takes. Please give this some thought before you make a rash decision based on what you only want. Think long and hard. Take care my dear.
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A
female
reader, birdynumnums  +, writes (9 April 2007):
 Hi,
I'm very sorry that you are so torn up, you sound like you are in a lot of pain. Marriage can be a lot of hard work. You can go through periods where you have no interest in sex and you really don't want to do the same thing again with the same person and yet, the following year you have an unquenchable thirst for your husband. You may find yourself attracted to several other men over the course of your life. I think that it is a myth that you can only have one soul mate, so we probably are attracted to a certain type and every now and again, we meet that type that really attracts us. The whole thing could just be because of a lack of interest, right now, in the rest of your life. You didn't say how well you know this married man, but it is possible that he could be a serial cheater, he could have tens of hundreds of flaws that you just don't know about, because you are looking at him through this haze of attraction that you are in. It always looks so much better from the outside of a relationship too, once you get involved their will be the same amount of laundry, the same debt and bills and perhaps an even a bitchier mother-in-law. I know you probably don't want to hear that "The grass always looks greener from the other side" (sayings do evolve for a reason), but Erma Bombeck said it best - "The grass is ALWAYS greener over the septic tank!". Do you really want to deal with all the crap that this future would entail? Two Ex's who will hate you, two blended families (two sets of kids who will hate you and each other), four sets of grandparents (who will, well, you get the picture...), two mother-in-laws (one Ex), OUCH. If you want to go in that direction, you need to take off the rose-coloured glasses and take a good hard think about everything that this would entail, twice the amount of sacrifice and hard work to try and make a go of it, with no more guarantee of your future happiness than you have now! I think that you are going to drive yourself mad with this situation if you don't find a way to come to terms with your feelings, we are the only ones that can control our own thoughts and desires. If you can't control this, maybe you should consider switching your job or office location. Try to get more involved in making plans with your husband, future plans for vacations and get-aways and maybe some marriage retreats to kick start your interest in your husband again. I hope this wasn't too preachy and that it helped in some way, Take Care.
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