A
male
age
30-35,
anonymous
writes:I have recently started seeing this guy for a couple of weeks now and when we are together things are amazing! We have moved really quickly- but have agreed anythinst sexual is too far for this stage. The only thing is, he is INCREDIBLY insecure. He openly admitted this from the beginning- in his credit. But it is like I said, when we are together we are amazing, however when we are apart he starts doubting that we can last. I have said to him countless times that if you look for floors in relationships you can find them, and everytime I can talk him round, and he becomes really appologetic.My question is: how can I tackle this before it happens again, because I am 99% sure that it well. I really like this guy and don't want us to end, but I am putting on a 'brave face' to him to talk him round, but inside it is really draining on me. What should I do?...
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male
reader, AvgGuy1  +, writes (3 January 2013):
 Although I agree with YouWish... I think you need to be tactful and supportive at the same time. Try to help him work through WHY he feels so insecure. Only when he gets to the root cause will he then be able to start believing in himself.
Insecurity comes from believing that one is not worthy. You need to help him figure out - for himself - that he IS worthy. You might point out, as YouWish does, the old adage of a self-fulfilling prophecy. If he believes strongly enough that something BAD... or GOOD is gonna happen... it generally will.
A
female
reader, YouWish +, writes (5 December 2012):
 I think you need to give him reality here. He's acting this way because he is looking for attention. It's almost like a vampire sucking blood out of a person.
Am I guessing right when I say that he is sucking the attention from you, and you're feeling exhausted, pressured, and unable to show natural affection because you're feeling it sucked out of you? Do your acts of affection feel like they're from obligation, and you're feeling guilty that you're starting to resent and pull away from him?
You need to tell him that if he keeps being insecure, what he's afraid will happen is going to happen. Tell him that when he starts feeling this way, he better do the opposite of what he's feeling like he should act like, or what he fears will happen. You will leave to save your sanity, and it'll start all over again from him.
Then you must not feed his insecurity. When he starts trying to suck the reassurance from you, don't give it to him. If he still doesn't get it, or if he ramps up the demands or starts talking about harming himself or starts lashing at you in anger, then it is time to end it. You do not have to fix him, and you are not the one who is supposed to fix his insecurity.
You're not his therapist, his "everything", or his parent. He needs to find it within himself to correct and fix his issues, because a relationship that has this kind of pressure on it isn't healthy for him and really isn't for you.
But you must stop feeding into the insecurity.
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