A
female
age
41-50,
anonymous
writes: hi i'm 26 and i want to move away with my boyfriend down south, to grad school, but i daren't tell my widowed mother whom i currently still live with. all of our family live in the same village and always have. mum and dad stayed near their parents too. my boyfriend (whom my mother doesnt like because we split up two years ago, yet have been together nearly 3 years in total) lives 100 miles away and we travel at weekends. we have decided to both move to grad school for better careers and to move in together again after our last failed attempt and to make a go of our relationship! we've been to visit our colleges and have been looking at housing and visiting the town. but i havent told mum yet. i let slip that i was thinking of going back to college in another town and she went "what????" i darent tell my mother because: a) she thinks i'm going to stay hereb) she doesnt like my bfc) shell just cuss up the whole idea and make me feel like a fool and go on and on about it and make snide remarks.d) shell sit in judgement and make sarky commentse) she'll guilt trip me about being left alone.f) she'll accuse me of "ruining my life" because it hasnt taken her planned course of career at 21, baby at 25, "nice little house" and "nice charming boy". to be honest, i no longer care, i'm 26 and am sick of living in her clutches! i cant even have friends over in privacy or have a private phone call, without her being there. i tried to ring the college up the other day and she was shouting up the stairs " who are you on the phone to?? hey, i'm speaking to you!"she says " i'm not that bad!! " she takes any adult calm discussions as some huge criticism and goes all martyrish and says we're accusing her of being a terrible mother! but i really don't want to get involved in a row, but she'll just make me feel like one big loser- she does it to my brother too. hes 24 and still at home. she complains that we are "stuck at home " still, we "cant even drive" and havent got careers" but i've started to realise the common denominator is her here, everything we try to do, she drags out some worst case scenario to zap our confidence, then if it goes wrong, we get a big fat " i told you so". my brother recently during a huge row, told her that she never supports us and always explodes and is pessismistic, and it drags us down and he's right. she's so reactionary. if i go to a new town on my own, i can hear my mother in my head saying " what are you doing walking round on your own? be careful! watch out! youre heading for a fall! why isn't your boyfriend with you? has he left you to walk the streets alone! you might get lost!" its only recently ive been able to work out, that subconsciously her interference is zapping my confidence and independence. how do i let her know, that i plan to go next year. with my boyfriend, as an adult and that i just want her to stop treating me and my brother like children? some days i feel like screaming at her "no career? move out? guess what! in a few months i'm gone so you'll have nobody to moan at!!" argh!
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female
reader, lola80  +, writes (20 August 2008):
You need to get out A.S.A.P your mothers behaviour isnt normal , she sounds like a very insecure manipulative woman with narcissistic qualities, who feels the need to put you down to keep you down , because SHE is afraid really and doesnt want to be left on her own !!!Dont get me wrong im sure your mother loves you but its her wasy of controlling you and making her feel important and alive like you and your brother are children and need to be protected , but your 26 she shouldnt interfere in your life regardless of you living at home at your age you need space and privacy !!! and i know your mother would find fault with any man you go out with, ,my best friends mother was just the same and she lived at home and still is because her mother constantly puts her down and has made sure she has ruined any channce of a happy future with someone as they couldnt get away far enough with all her mothers constant intrusive and abusive phone calls !! the rest of the family moved abroad to get away from her !!the constant interfering in their lifes she hated all their partners !! over nothing but she always found something small ! their is a book you can get to read its called children of the self absorbed its great !! to be honest if you tell your mother your moving away she will only spent the next few months trying to put you down and cause arguments between you and your boyfriend to make sure this doesnt happen , you dont owe your mother an explanation as to what you have planned for your future , your a grown woman who needs to make a life for herself that is best for you , your mother had her life and needs to make one for herself as a mother of grown adults not running around after adults like she is a sergent and needs to give the orders , Dont fight with her when she rants just stay calm , please read the following link i know it will help have a look around this site and you will see a lot of people who are in the exact same situation .. http://narcissistic-personality.suite101.com/article.cfm/narcissistic_personality_disorder and also look up adult children of narcissistics
Hope this will help you
Take Care
xxxx
A
female
reader, codeladylee  +, writes (20 August 2008):
Ok, dearie, what if i told you something scary right now? You're at a vital turning point in your life, and the ball is right in your court. You need to swing it yourself, else you'll lose control completely..get the picture?
Your mother's losing her spouse early has left her in a very delicate position- she's turned to you, her children, for affection, love, support, attention, and if care is not taken, you'll begin to live her life. I'm in the same age group as you, i live with my divorced mother, and it always becomes an issue when i show the least bit of independence- trust me, I know exactly where you're coming from. But you always need to remember- she's had her life, and you have yours. Fact- she'll never EVER be ready to let you go, even when you're 62. You need to get out of her face and build your own life, otherwise, to her, you'll always be the little, dependent girl, and not the mature woman you truly are. How? You need to bolster all the confidence in you (borrow some more, if necessary!), sit her down, and tell her your plans- AFTER they are laid, and you're almost ready to leave. You ABSOLUTELY NEED TO DO THIS. Look her straight in the eyes, keep your voice calm and steady, sit down right in front of her. Let her be shocked to see a different person before her. She will offer resistance, but it'll be from her selfish point of view(you're leaving me all alone, you're no longer listening to me, you don't see yourself as a child anymore, etc). Listen between her words, don't take up any quarrel, ignore her sarcastic and/or discouraging remarks completely. Calmly stand your ground, firmly tell her what you need to do, and, please, DO IT! Don't back down. She needs to see you as an independent adult, and you need to create that respect for yourself. It's in your hands. As for your relationship, accept her advice in good faith, but remember, it's your risk to take, your cross to bear. Go do all those things she's challenging you to do: learn to drive, take some days out of the house, all this doesn't mean you disrespect her, but simply that you're getting a life. Get moral support from your guy, place yourself in a position of high confidence. Don't worry, by the time you leave her home, she'll know for sure you're independent. At this stage, she needs companionship- from age mates. You know your needs, she needs to understand them. I know you'll do fine, let me know how it goes! All the very best! Cheers
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