A
female
age
,
anonymous
writes:I find it difficult to get on with my partner's daughter - her mom died when she was little and although she's twenty and quite manilupative, she has him wrapped around her little finger. She is at college but refuses to work to help support herself, so we pay her rent, fees and spending money monthly. She seems to think that I'm spending her father's money, but in fact, my income is the main support in the house. She doesn't live with us by the way. At times I feel she's trying very hard to be 'nice' to me, giving me little gifts etc, but those type of gestures don't work for me. I've raised my children alone, and they are particularly independent but I find her to be dependant and still a 'daddy's girl'. Any advice would be welcome, thanks
View related questions:
money Reply to this Question
Share |
Fancy yourself as an agony aunt? Add your answer to this question! A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (31 July 2008): Again, thanks for all your answers and advice. I feel as if I've been reprimanded a bit about my behaviour. However, just to clarify, I gave you just the feelings that were off the top of my head yesterday. Obviously, I don't have time to go into the whole history and therefore, I think some of you think I'm being particularly hard. Perhaps I should let you know that I'm at the end of a long period of hassle just right now. However, on the other hand, I have to take on board some of the comments made. I also was a child who lost her father very young, and maybe, just maybe, I'm a little bit jealous of her because she has her Dad. My children didn't have such generous financial support of their father when they were growing up, and again, maybe I am taking this out on her also. I could analyse myself all day, but just don't have time for that.
Anyway, because I'm at work, I haven't got all the time in the world to recount all the sides of this situation, but I really am amazed at the amount of advice and support that exists 'out there'.
I appreciate all of you taking the time to answer and help.
Thank you
A
female
reader, TELLULAH +, writes (31 July 2008):
 Hi again,
I have been reading all the answers you have been given and its very interesting. I dont think its that you dont like your partners daughter, just more of a case that you feel she is doing nothing to help support herself. At 20 years old she should at least get a part time job, so she could be slightly independant from you and your husband. But the fact seems to be, that she doesnt want or have to, because she has someone supplying her with money.
I love my children dearly and brought them both up, on my own like yourself. I made a few mistakes on the way but who doesnt, and we somehow managed to get through. But kids will take advantage if you let them. If I had not been hard with my children they wouldnt have the jobs they do today. They are very independant(the youngest is 21) and very sweet people. I fail to see that if you do nothing but hand out cash to a 21 year old, how it will help thier future. She is an adult, so is responsible for her life. Yes you should be loving and supportive, and if she gives you a gift then thats lovely. But she needs to learn that although you will always be there for her emotionally, she really does need to stop and think about where the money is coming from.
Hundreds of kids go to college and Uni and have part time work, because a lot of thier parents cant afford to pay for them to sit on thier backsides. You should be proud that she is doing well at college, and give her every encouragement and support. Dont argue with your partner, because I guess like myself, you wont win.
Its very hard, but I'm sure it will all work out in the end.
If its any consolation, my partner has just bought his 21 year old girl (who dropped out of Uni and squats in london) yet another mobile phone. This is the fourth one she has lost this year, along with her camera, and laptop.
Does she care!!! NO, because she doesnt have to pay for them. Makes me want to bang my head against the wall.
Kids eh!
X
...............................
A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (31 July 2008): Hi
Try not to be so hard on her, you are obviously a strong lady and have had to be in the past, but she has a weakness and at least she does try with the gifts. Her Dad is her Dad and nobody can take that away, she had her mother taken away once.
...............................
A
female
reader, lexilou +, writes (30 July 2008):
 As mums we do tend to raise our daughters to be very independent. This girl has been raised by her dad and it does seem to be true 'Daddy's girl/Mummy's boy' and she has never had the balance of both parents. He has probably indulged her due to the fact her mum died and it is not something he can change now so Im afraid you have to accept that she is raised different to your kids and will always be the same x
...............................
A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (30 July 2008): She's not your daughter, if your husband happy with the arragment then leave them to it. She'll properly get a job when she leaves college, my sister is in uni and needs help from our parents as its hard
...............................
A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (30 July 2008): Why are /you/ paying her way? She's his responsibility, not yours. Or does he (and she) think it's fine to take your money, yet not allow you to have a real say about her life (which you are funding) and her attitude to you? Pull the plug, financially, if not immediately then certainly after that next school year is up.
...............................
A
reader, anonymous, writes (30 July 2008): You may not like what I have to say, here. But this is just my opinions so take it or leave it. This is a family matter, that only your partner can deal with. I know that you understand that all the people who are dear to us—especially our children—have successes and failures, in their life, which are largely beyond our control. As is the case, with this young female, your partner's 'adult' daughter. You raised your children to be independant, strong adults and to face the world, head-on. Excellent! What a good Mom you are. Your partner came short on that skill, with his daughter. This daughter of his lost a part of her life, when her Mother died. Perhaps this sad situation in the past, has made your partner a more flexible, compliant father to her and this young female didn't learn the skills needed to make it on her own...at least not yet. It will take time. She needs to mature and become a stronger, more grateful woman. Plain and simple.
This may make you choke (lol) but I think the only way through this dilemma of yours, is to remain a strong positive, role model to this young female and accept that she needs guidance and help to get where she needs to be. Take a negative and turn it around. You could calmly suggest to your partner, some solid ways of helping her, emotionally, helping her to gain a sense of strength enabling her to an independant way of life, but you cannot tell him how he can and cannot help her, financially. That would be disasterous for your relationship. Your partner will resent that. But, if you feel, your own financial situation is at great risk, by supporting him..that does need to be discussed, without bringing up where his money is going. He knows that, already. He should be helping you with the financial obligations and he has to choose how he can make changes, in his spending. He may have to tell his daughter, to get her own apt and pay her own rent. We don't know.
This young female is young, dependant and is attempting to reach out to you, with gestures of goodwill by giving you little gifts. Next time, she does that...accept those gifts graciously and tell her 'you are there for her' in her struggles. And that she can come to you, for advisement and skills to learning how to make it on her own. Take this negative and turn it into a positive. Sometimes, when one makes a clear, adult choice to love a man who has children who are struggling in finding their own life path...one must accept that and unite with that partner, in trying hard to get this girl on her feet. It will be a long process, but she will get there. Good luck and I wish you the patience and understanding it will take to get through this.
...............................
A
male
reader, ChiRaven  +, writes (30 July 2008):
 Be very careful not to get typecast as the "evil stepmother". That's all to easy a role for her to slide you into if you try to turn her father against her.
I think that the pattern of support while she's at college is too firmly established for you to change it now. Hou might want to begin to set expectations now, however, for a declaration of independence once she graduates. Start asking your husband if he has any idea what sort of work she is going to be doing once she's done with college and no longer dependent on the two of you for support. What part of the country is she likely to pick as a place to live. You admire that she's independent enough not to want to live with you. You know she's undoubtedly looking forward to having a place all her own that doesn't depend on just the little bit of support that you provide, etc. Make it plain to your husband, in other words, that you expect to cut the umbilical cord when the kid graduates. You're giving her a college education, which should be preparing her for some kind of a productive career in her chosen field. The two of you should expect her to make use of it. Make it plain to your hubby NOW that this is what you expect in the future. Then begin to work with him to mentally spend the money you won't be sending her on something the two of you want to do together. Dream vacation, maybe? Whatever.
...............................
A
reader, anonymous, writes (30 July 2008): This is verified as being by the original poster of the questionThanks for your answers - I think the way forward is to try and avoid arguments. I don't want a huge chasm to open up between us, because she is part of our life, and I am part of hers, so I'd prefer to work it through. One thing in our favour is that she doesn't live with us, and another is that she only has one year left in college. But she's already stated she wants to go on and study further, which he would probably want to help her with financially.
Anyway, I shall wait it out and stay on guard.
Thanks
...............................
A
female
reader, TELLULAH +, writes (30 July 2008):
I am in the same position as you, and I'm afraid until your partner see's for himself what a lazy bugger his little princess is, he wont belive it. You could start by telling him that you cant afford to keep her and perhaps she might consider getting a job to support herself through college. Point out to your partner that he is doing his daughter no favours, because she has to learn to survive on her own, and how would she cope if he wasnt around to hand out all the cash.
If you find something that works, I would be pleased to know myself. Every time I point out the obvious, I am greated with "there my kids I will deal with them how I want"
Good luck honey X
...............................
A
male
reader, Danielepew  +, writes (30 July 2008):
 I'm not there to see what is going on, so I will speculate a little.
It seems to me that she was raised in a way you disapprove. Maybe it would be hard for me not to find her a little too spoiled. But I want you to take notice that maybe she's just not as independent as you would want her to be. That, by the way, is also your partner's fault. He raised her to be that way. Maybe because she lost her mother and he wanted to compensate her for that.
On the other hand, I do take notice of your comment about her being manipulative. I am sure that the problem could be not just her being raised in a different manner, but also her playing tricks to get away with things.
Fortunately, she doesn't live with you and your partner, so you two can get along well most of the time. Try to avoid problems. If you put pressure on your partner, he will react by siding with her, since, after all, it was he who raised her that way. If you put pressure on her, she will play her tricks. I think I would wait this one out. You don't say how long it would take her to finish her college, but, eventually, it won't appear as a personal attack if you tell your partner to let her walk on her own feet.
Also, in the meantime, if the girl does something real bad, point the mistake out but don't let it get to you. That way, your partner won't think you have something personal against the girl, and it will be easier for you to handle small things.
Also, be on the alert about your own behavior. If you make a mistake, the girl will point it out and it will be way harder for you to get your partner to see what is really going on.
...............................
|
