A
male
age
36-40,
*non ryan
writes:i was with my ex girlfriend for two and a half years i got with her when she was 17 and i was 21. we spent the best time together and after 6 months or so i ended up moving in with her family, we became so close and did so much together, holidays days out bungee jumps etc i got on so well with her family and we went on family holidays skiing etc. we were perfect. after a year we had our first couple of disagreements and she ended up cheating on me where she said it was just a kiss, so i ended up forgiving her and giving it another go. deep down i felt more had happened and everytime we had a row i tried to get it out of her what really happened this was only a couple of times. the next year and a half was amazing too we went on more holidays still lived together and was normal and happy, we had our moments like most couples but nothing major, i worshiped the ground she walked on and was so in love with her but 4 weeks ago now we broke up after a couple of weeks of arguing because i was seeing something different in her she was acting different and i did know why, she was being secretive but i thought nothing of it at the time she assured me nothing was happening so i believed her, then on what was the night we broke up we had a row and i said 'you dont want to be with me no more do u?' and she said she doesn't know. i was broken. the next morning i tried to talk and she went to work as normal saying she needs space, i rang and text her all day crying (please understand) but she wasn't changing her mind or interested in talking. but that night she went to a party that i was meant to be giving her a lift to and picking her up and only a couple of days after i found out she had slept with a guy from work she got a cab to his house at 2 in the morning on the day we broke up i had to find out myself playing the sad detective. and a couple of weeks after that she is now dating another guy she met at that party from a local boy band who she became a backing dancer for. ive not been able to leave her alone until now, im so hurt she said she would never cheat again or hurt me in this way. and i've also recently found out in this 4 week period that the guy she said she just kissed the first time she actually slept with. ive spoken and asked her why she could lie to me so much and why she never let me go when she first cheated and her reply was ' she didn't want me to leave her then' but you know now so get on with your life. im shocked i thought she could never be this way.i could of made a choice back then to leave her or not and it would of been so much easier, i would of only had a years worth of memories, our families have fell out because of all this hurt and she doesn't care it is as if we were never even together, i thought she might be a little upset. i was never the perfect boyfriend but who is? i had my moody moments and sometimes got insecure but she knew everyday that i was so in love with her, i told her how beautiful she was everyday. we had planned so much the night we broke up we were on the laptop booking a holiday. i dont get all that's happened or what to do can anyone help or give me answers as to why people do this, and will one day she regret it? is he just another rebound? will they last? what is she thinking? i cnt think about anything else other than her shes 19 now and im 23 is it because of her age?? please any advice would help
View related questions:
broke up, ex girlfriend, insecure, my ex, needs space, period, text Reply to this Question
Share |
Fancy yourself as an agony aunt? Add your answer to this question! A
male
reader, anon ryan +, writes (22 August 2011):
anon ryan is verified as being by the original poster of the questionthanks andy you speak so much sense its good to hear a someone elses opinion, who has been in a similar situation. you are right, nothing that she has said or done makes me hate her for it, i just blame myself and think what more could i have done for her not to be that way, ive just wanted her to admit eveything and feel maybe a bit bad for it but she doesnt not at all. i dont know if one day she will or not. the difficult thing is i can't cut all ties im friends now with people i met through her,i got on really well with her brother and his mates who all know my ex.its awkward i havnt seen her for a good four weeks but ive text her and rang her shes only answerd my calls a about 4 times, and everytime i text her she just ignores me even if its just a simple question about something else other than our relationship. im going to try and cut her out my life now and try to be on my own, its going to be hard because i still miss her and love her. i know im pathetic and i will eventually have to get on with it because she has gone but its still hard to accept.
A
male
reader, anon ryan +, writes (22 August 2011):
anon ryan is verified as being by the original poster of the questioni cant thankyou enough for your help and advice, and actually taking the time to do so. its been 5 weeks and i am no better just hope in time i will be, and i want that time to be now.its just so hard because maybe she prepared herself for the break up but i honestly didnt see it coming because i was so in love with her untill the very end, and i still am. i lookback and yes she was being secretive and i did question her about it and she said it was nothing so obviosly not wanting to fall out i beleived her.but since we have broke up ive found out that she was already messaging the guy she slept with the day we broke up. i just dont know how im ever going to trust again now, and to be honest as sad as it sounds i dont think i will ever find anyone again. i planned my life with this girl and i beleived in everything we ever spoke about.i had saved up enough money for a deposit on a house which is all she ever used to speak about. she seemed so real such a genuine girl who cared for me and wanted the same things in life as i did. i dedicated all my time to her i only went out when she did or did things when she did. i would of understood how she has been if our relationship was going no where and i didn make any plans for us. we even planned next years holiday to mexico with her anher family which she seemed really excited about, even speaking about it the week before we broke up. ive had so much time to think about every little comment she made prior to the break up which is what is hurting the most, how can she plan and want so many things in the couple of weeks before we broke up and do what she was doing?its by far harder than i ever thought it would be to deal with, i sometimes used to think what if we ever broke up and that would upset me i know i sound sad saying that but i thought so much of her and our relationship. i know i should hate her for how she hasbeen and what she has done and said since but i cnt, one comment keeps running through my mind, last week when i found out she had slept with the guy she said she just kissed a year and a halfago and i asked her about it on the phone... her reply was ''yes i did sleep with him, we arnt together now so it doesnt matter, get on with your life'' i was shocked i couldnt beleive this girl i loved so much could come out with this in this way. all the texts and phone calls i tryed to get everything out of her so i could be angry then and move on.i know what i have to do to try and get over her, is 5 weeks long enough for me to be over her? should i not be thinking of her. i keep torturing myself about the guy she slept with the day we broke up and wondering what and where she is with this new boyfriend, i know i shouldnt think like that but its difficult not too. how can she really move on so quick and expect me to just get on with my life its so easy for her to judge me because she wanted this,it is so easy for her to get on with her life because it hasnt changed just the person she is with has.im sorry for keep going on just hard to take. im just gratful of any comments.
...............................
A
male
reader, Andy00 +, writes (22 August 2011):
 My friend, no, you aren't perfect. Nobody is perfect, remember that. She certainly is not. Her behaviour was extremely poor at certain points in your relationship and YOU WERE NOT TO BLAME FOR THIS. You cannot excuse her actions by placing blame on yourself. Whatever you did, e.g. Said something stupid at the wrong time or sulked a little longer than you should have done, it doesn't matter a damn. It is no excuse at all for her to have done what she did to you. The same can be said for the good things she did for you - yes, she did nice things for you as well while you were together, but she also showed a total lack of respect for you by cheating on you. I'm not saying her negative action should totally overshadow all the positive actions, but you must remember the negatives at times when you reminisce about her.
The time is now to stop contacting her. I know that may seem extreme and will only become another contributing factor to the CHANGE in your relationship, but the fact is your relationship is over now. Things inevitably will change. I don't think there is anything she can say to you that will make you feel better. You remind me a lot of myself. I think that she could give you all the answers to all your questions, but even then I believe you will somehow try to find a way to blame yourself for what happened. If I'm being too presumptuous I apologize. What do you think?
Also, ignore her when she says that you should be over her. She is very stupid and very immature. I'm sorry to say that about someone you care for, but it's true. She has gone on the rebound to avoid the pain of breaking up. The fact that she expects it to be easy for you too just shows me how immature she is. Ignore it, and from now on IGNORE HER ALTOGETHER. Cut contact, my friend. Talking to her will not bring you the happiness it used, so why continue it? Break away, heal, recover, grow.
Oh, and above all else, don't worry about feeling love sick. We all go through it and at the time we all feel pathetic for it. It's NORMAL. Don't start to think that you're a freak for feeling hurt. You have every right to.
...............................
A
male
reader, anon ryan +, writes (22 August 2011):
anon ryan is verified as being by the original poster of the questionI've done some stupid things since we broke up, I've rang and text her too any times, having time on my own has made me think about every little detail of what's caused it. I blame myself for some of it and it tears me apart. I wasn't perfect and perhaps I could of done more things. Once I realised how much I was in love with her I told her more than enough that I want her to be happy no matter what, even if it ment that I had to let her go to be happy. I asked her all the time if she was and she always told me she was and that we were perfect for each other. What's made me how I am is the fact that she slept with the guy the day we broke up and I've realised that she was texting him when we was together but pretended it was a girl mate called laura. The thing is she did absolutley everything for me things I never even wanted her to do. She bought me clothes, arranged days out cooked for me made my lunch for work u name it she did it and I appreciated all of it.I moved in with her gradually I used to stay a few nights and then go homme then it turned into me being there all the time, everytime I said I would go home she thought I was angry with her and it upset her so I stayed, I moved at her pace and did anything she wanted. I used to get mad when she bought me things because I didn't want her to buy my love, it was about the little things she did that made me love her the most, she was thoughtful and caring. Which is why I cnt get my head around the change. I've chased her too much for answers as to what was going off and for how long but she could never admit it I had to find out myself and everyytime I found out something new I had to ring her and text to ask and then she would admit it. I've not been the best since the break up with her and her family I've been a idiot to be honest but I couldn't help it, she's never had her heart broke so she doesn't know how it feels :( she told me after a week I should be over her I was so shocked and angry :( she us now with a guy from this band who she met the day we broke up at the party, this isn't the guy she slept with then. I don't get how she can move on so quick it was 2/3 weeks after that she started dateing him. I've lost all self respect and pride and I can never get that back now. I miss her so much and every minute of everyday I think of her :( I know I'm acting like a love sick puppy but it hurts so bad, I wish I was strong but I'm not. I know what I should do but its as if no matter what anyone tells me I ignore it. How long do these things take? She hasn't so far but will she ever feel bad about what she has done?? Surley no one deserves to be cheated on and lied too, I thought after the first time she did it she would never lie to me again in that way, we cryed together and I know she regretted it so much at the time she did everything to make it upto me, but in the end lied again. Thannks for all the advice and answers back I really appreciate them.
...............................
A
male
reader, Andy00 +, writes (22 August 2011):
First let me reassure you that what you are feeling is completely natural given the situation. Breaking up is horrible as it is, so it is understandable that you're finding the situation you're in to be quite agonising. What's worse is there is no greater healer for what you're feeling than (you guessed it) TIME.
Whenever I'm feeling like you do, reading that time heals all wounds never makes me feel better. I hate typing it almost as much as I hate reading it, but it is true. What helps me accept that fact is thinking in to the far future. Five years for example. Do you honestly think that in five years time you will still be thinking about this guy as you are today? No way! Somebody told me the same thing just after I broke up with my first love and I doubted it because back then I thought and dreamt of her all the time (I don't know if she was your first love, but I assume it was your first serious relationship). I speak to you now with a year to spare and having loved and lost all over again and now I'm in a position where I look back on my first love and not feel sad anymore. Quite the opposite in fact! I'm not expecting you to forget the bad times, because she treated you horribly at times during the relationship, however in time these memories will become less painful to remember. It is going to take time, but you WILL get there eventually.
Now, instead of waiting for time to do all the work like I originally did, HELP YOURSELF! I used to sit in my room and sulk and it didn't help me one bit. Get yourself out and about. Go see your friends and have fun. Also, learn to love yourself (something that I failed to do for a long time) and do this by treating yourself right. Exercise, treat yourself to some new clothes, eat healthily, get a hair cut, anything! Anything at all that will give you a boost to your confidence and give you reason to put a smile back on your face and the spring in your step. Not only will this give you a boost, but you may find that you will get more female attention as a result. You're probably not thinking about getting involved with anyone new at this time and I advise you not to rush in to anything, but the fact is you will want to be with somebody new eventually. Why not give yourself a head start?
Don't think that I'm patronising you. I know that breaking up hurts. You lost somebody you cared for and it doesn't seem at all fair. I'm sorry. The best thing you can do is to concentrate on yourself for now. Do whatever it takes to get yourself back on your feet. Take all the time you need to get there, but all I can say is don't make my mistake in sitting around waiting for something to stop the pain. Ultimately, only you can stop it. Help yourself.
Good luck mate, stay strong!
...............................
A
female
reader, Curlycarlyx3  +, writes (21 August 2011):
she doesnt deserve you. im basically going through the same thing. and im the one in your place too. its a terrible feeling. im still so in love with this guy. Im gonna tell you what to do and it WILL work. This always works for me. Have you ever heard the saying.. "distance makes the heart grow fonder?" its very true. I did the same EXACT things as you and i realized that its only gonna hurt me in the long run. What you have to do is give her some space. i KNOW this is hard to do. This was the hardest thing for me to do. Even just not talking to him for a day made me upset, but you have to do it. During that time shes gonna be like, "why isnt he calling me, does he not care anymore??" And if she really does love you she will be the one to call YOU FIRST and try to make things right. Then, and only then will you have the upperhand. Do NOT cry to her, do NOT tell her how you cant live without her, even though its true, you cant let her know that. When she feels like you might be pulling away, she will try to get you back. Try this and tell me if it works. I did the same thing and its worked countless number of times.
...............................
A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (21 August 2011): Hi im sorry to hear how she could do that to you i just think she took you for granted, you deserve better! breaking up with someone is hard i know as im goingthrough a simular thing, i personally would have left before if i had doubts about whenever she cheated or not, just break all ties with her i know its hard but its the best way, she is still quite young at 19 not that she should be doing all shes doing or done thats no excuse. Maybe she feeling tied down 19 is quite young to be getting really serious, you will find someone in the end who loves you and wouldnt dream of doing what she's done to you, good luck x
...............................
A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (21 August 2011): I think you moved a little too quick mate. Moving in after 6 months when she is only 17. If i look back at how i was at 17, I'm a completely different person now. She was too young to get so serious with you, and thats why it's ended badly.Chin up.
...............................
|
