A
female
age
36-40,
anonymous
writes:I've been dating my ex for awhile now. At first, after we broke up, we were just friends but at some point things became more physical and now we're definitely more than friends although we are not in a relationship. He is involved in the PUA community and as a result he has been dating and sleeping around with other girls. His current mindset is also from this community. I have gone on dates with other guys but they never amounted to anything I wanted to pursue further partly because I am still in love with my ex. One value I hold is that I will not have sex with a guy unless we are in a committed relationship. I am not comfortable sharing something I consider special with a guy I care about when he does not view me the same way. I don't want the guy I'm sleeping with to be sleeping with 10 other girls. To me, it shows that I'm not special and that I'm not enough for him. One day when talking to my ex he said that he does care about me and although we're currently not official, if I were to sleep with him he'd consider me a non-exclusive girlfriend - he'd see me and treat me as a girlfriend but he could have many other ones. I basically see this as an open relationship. If I don't have sex with him then our relationship will stay the same - we have our emotional connection plus anything physical up to oral sex but we nothing will progress further than what we have emotionally and physically. I'm happy that I have made progress on my goal to get back together with him but I haven't quite made it to where I want to be - an exclusive relationship with him. He stated does have an emotional connection with me and cares about me but he also wants sex. I want to have sex with him too but I want it to be exclusive as opposed to non-exclusive because he is special to me. An open relationship is something I just can't do. How should I respond to his comment about a being a non-exclusive girlfriend but most importantly, how can I further our current relationship and have him commit to me exclusively?
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broke up, get back together, my ex, oral sex Reply to this Question
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reader, anonymous, writes (20 May 2011): This is verified as being by the original poster of the questionWhat happened is that I eventually realized what a jerk he was and we mutually ended things. He'd get mad at me for silly things - like answering the phone when he was around. He thought I should put him first at all times and only answer my phone if it's an emergency. But if my sister calls, I'd talk to her for a few mins.Also, due to his stupidness in sleeping around and not telling me the whole truth, I found out now. . . many years later that I ended up with genital herpes. It could've been from someone else but that person didn't test positive so it's most likely from him.Looking back and being objective, the fact that we had different relationship views isn't what stopped things for me although it caused me so much pain. It was because he was treating me so badly and I woke up eventually. For example, that I should be able to answer my phone if someone calls and he's there.I hope your situation is going ok. If you want to talk about it feel free to contact me.
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female
reader, anonymousc +, writes (20 May 2011):
Hi I am in the same situation as you wrote about here, I was wondering how it turned out?
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reader, anonymous, writes (11 September 2008): yes
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reader, anonymous, writes (21 December 2007): This is verified as being by the original poster of the questionI was surprised that someone responded to this old question but it is helpful to know that someone else is in a similar position.I've been doing what you've suggested so far - to keep my ex in my life, spending quality time with him, while seeing some other guys if it happens. In the end I don't really like the other guys and still really like (or even love) my ex. But it's pretty painful and in a way he's not treating me very well. He knows I like him and he said he even cares about me more than any other girl he's dated/is dating. But he still is not committing to me. It's painful to want to be with him but not getting what I would like in return. In a way our relationship can't progress any further because he doesn't seem like he wants to be exclusive and because I don't want to be in an open relationship. I don't think I can take much more of this.
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female
reader, anonymous, writes (20 December 2007): I am in the exact same situation, and I feel that if you try it out for a while, I would not put it against you. Go out to dinner with someone if they ask you out though, providing that you like them. My ex is important to me, and it sounds like he is important to you. Make sure that you still have quality time with him, and that you both enjoy it. This way you will remain friends or more, but do not shut out the possibility of other men.
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reader, anonymous, writes (7 November 2007): This is verified as being by the original poster of the questionMy friends also agree that it is probably better to let him go but I don't want to. I have been dating other guys so I haven't been solely waiting for him but I would like us to give it another try. I don't want to give up because I've made so much progress already and am close to my goal but there's this gap I'm not sure how to cross. If PUAs can attract girls to be with them there must be a way for me to do the same with my ex.
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female
reader, Blue_Angel0316 +, writes (7 November 2007):
 Back off! Don't let him use you to fullfill his need for emotional stability. You deserve to have the committment you want. If he clearly isn't giving it to you then you should just let him go.
When he does decide upon a committment if it's to be with you then he will have to be the one to seek you out. By then it could be too late.
He is putting too much emphasis upon sex. He can't be with you that way but he is having sex with several other people. He is playing a fool's game. Don't let him use you as the Pawn.
Let him know one last time how you feel. If he run's then you know he wasn't the ONE! You will be better off although you may be hurting now. It is better to have loved and lost than never to have loved at all. However it is better to loose a person who can't love or committ than to pass up the chance that a good guy who wants a real relationship might pass thru and you are waiting on the ex.
I hope you will be strong enough to let go and let him decide what he really wants. His lack of noncommittal attachment is keeping you confused and uhappy. Go for less confused and pretty happy onto the unconfused and happiest state ever with someone you can really connect with that will give you all the love and support you well deserve.
God bless you and give you the inner peace you long for.
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female
reader, hennessy +, writes (6 November 2007):
 You two are in fundamentally different places right now, and there is no way to "make" him be what you want him to be. He is currently getting his needs met - sex with a variety of women and emotional connection with you - and has made no secret that that's the way he likes it. Why should that change? You owe it to yourself to move on and find someone who wants to give you what you need. I know it will be painful, but so will staying where you are now.
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reader, tux +, writes (6 November 2007):
 I will say you need to tread carefully on this one. It sounds like he still wants to go out and have "his fun." You will never get a sound exclusive relationship if he doesn't want it or constantly strives to have "his fun."
He say he is emotionally attached to you and care about you but yet still wants to have sex with you. Of course, he wants sex, who doesn't? I am going to give you some simple advice here. I believe you need to let him go. As much as it hurts, stop communicating with him. If he really had that emotional connection and cared about you, he'd be back wanting an exclusive relationship. You need to live your life and find someone who will be emotionally connected and caring enough to be in an exclusive relationship that you desire. If you wait around waiting for him, you are going to let many possibly better opportunities pass you by.
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