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female
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anonymous
writes: I am feeling abit down and frustrated with myself because of the way I let people treat me, mainly regarding my boyfriend but also a few of my friends. I was quite hurt by the way my boyfriend treated me on his birthday (he initially invited me to his birthday do but then his plans altered without him informing me and he went out to his birthday treat without me. I wasn’t the only one that didn’t go though - the rest of his family didn't go and they had initially been invited too). Now, I know I can be over sensitive so I tend to put things down to that because I can’t tell what is me being over sensitive or what is bad treatment on his part. I think in this case it was disorganisation on his part but then I would've thought he would have missed me!!! Anyway, I figured it was just a misunderstanding so I thought I would let him off that one and just asked if he had a good time. It was annoying though because I had changed my plans to go to his do.Anyway, my birthday do was last night and yet again people let me down on the day. A couple of friends cancelled on me because she had had a heavy night the night before and felt unwell (even though she knew weeks in advance that she was seeing me the following day - what is that about?!?!?! and I had also got into a little trouble for cancelling my voluntary work again so I could see her but me being me I didn’t want to rock the boat so I didn't say anything. However, the thing that really annoyed me was the fact that my boyfriend cancelled on me hours before the event because he forgot about another function that was on. He phoned up to apologise about it but I just felt second fiddle because I imagine he was going with his best friend (my bf only seems to see me if his best friend is unable to see him) . His mum went to this function as well. Anyway, my bf said did me and my friends want to come out to his function instead of going to the event that I had arranged but because I have had some now ex 'friends' trying to control me recently and kept telling me what I should do for my birthday just because they didn’t want to do what i wanted for my birthday, I asserted that "I have already booked this event so no we cannot go to yours". I just felt like my bf was trying to control me like my ex 'friends' were. He kept saying that he wanted to come out after his function to see me because he needed a cuddle but I texted him later on saying we didn't know what time we were going to be back (really I needed some time to simmer down abit). He said that he wanted to see me the following day and I said that I didn’t know what time my friends were going to leave. Anyway, I ended up in tears after his phone call because I was really looking forward to having him and his mate come along and after all the cancellations I ended up with just 2 people coming out for my birthday!!! I just felt abit sorry for myself (although I didn’t show it) thinking even my own bf can't be bothered. See I don’t know how to deal with negative feelings constructively. I hate arguments and confrontation to the point where I split up with my ex-boyfriend rather than try to sort things out. I can see the same pattern emerging here. Do you thing I am reasonable in saying I have been badly treated - I think I am. Why are they doing it? It seems like these days people say yes to an offer and think nothing of cancelling on the previous offer, usually on the day so you can't offer the places to another person, if a seemingly 'better' one comes up and that really annoys me. See, I see my bf going to another event as a sign of him rejecting me. Everytime he does these things it actually diminishes the feelings I have for him. If someone treats me badly, I don't know how to express myself so I tend to withdraw from the person in question and it also avoids me getting hurt again but I need to sort this out because my bf is going to think he is being punished without knowing why and whilst I was really annoyed with him I don’t want to punish him.I am reluctant to see him tonight because I feel like withdrawing from him but I realise that will achieve nothing. I need to be mature and confront him about this but just don’t know how (because in my experience people are very sensitive and as soon as you mention negative things that either go nuts or want nothing more to do with you).
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Fancy yourself as an agony aunt? Add your answer to this question! A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (1 November 2006): hello dear, its sounds like what my problem is. its really hard thats true but only i can share to you is what i am trying to apply in my self, maybe if you try it maybe it will help. i know how sensitive i am and its killing me so badly, but then i start to work on it by thinking' ok fine' im powerless over you then do what you want and i do my own way. join me if you like but if not i do it by my self.you dont want me ok fine i can find other. just dont mind them who ever it is' think always im always powerless over other human being who ever he or she is i just put in my mind i am good as i am as long i never take for granted to anybody.good luck dear you can make it. XXX
A
reader, anonymous, writes (31 October 2006): I see you have posted your question a second time but asked how to deal with negativity more constructively.
The other aunts basically said the same thing I did that perhaps you need some new friends and a new boyfriend, but I think you are bent on thinking that the problem is not them but it is in you that you expect too much out of people and that you are angry at yourself for being so negative.
But here is what I think you are doing...you want to be depressed over this, you are angry at your friends and your boyfriend for canceling on your important event your birthday celebration and they made you feel insignificant, but because you hate confrontation and fear that they will have nothing to do with you if you express your anger, you have decided to turn that anger inward on yourself because you just should not expect so much and should not punish people with your feelings. That is called depression darling, and perhaps if you continue to feel that way about yourself, you could benefit from some one on one counseling with a licencsed therapist, who could help you learn how to treat yourself better and how to deal with these types of relationships.
What you described in your story, sounds to me like your friends and boyfriend are treating you with disrespect and they are just plain selfish and self centered, probably because you always are trying to please them, and you swallow your feelings rather than tell them in specific terms what you expected about this special occassion and what it meant to you to have them there beforehand.
Like I said you deserve reciprocal relationships in your life, and if these people can't give it to you, then it isn't you, it is them, pick better friends, ones that are better people and are interested in taking care of your emotional needs at times, and not always taking from you.
If you have tried telling them how you feel and they continue to do this, then they are at fault not you, they are not worth the ground that you walk on!
That is how you deal with negativity constructively, you analyze if you have a reason to be angry, (you do) and you decide what to do about it (tell them how it made you feel in a rational way and ask that they don't do it again or there will be consequences, like losing you as a friend) and if they do not show remorse or want to make it up to you, then find other people who give you what you want and deserve.
Take care darling.
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A
male
reader, jack23 +, writes (30 October 2006):
 I think you are right in that you have been badly treated and you have been extremely mature in how you are trying to deal with it. But now is the time to confront your boyfriend, you cant let this go on, else he will continue to walk all over you and you will continue to get hurt.
When you next go to see him, sit down with him and explain that you are upset that hurt by what he has done, and that you cant see the relationship working out. This should wake him up and hopefully encourage him to be abit more considerate.
Remember there are plenty of good people out there, so dont stick for being treated as second best. There is always someone out there that will treat you the way you should be treated.
Hope this helps :)
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (30 October 2006): yeah i've been in these situations my whole life. I go quiet and don't talk to my friends when they do this to me and when they ask me out next time i say yes and then cancel on them....ok i know what you're thinking (no wonder they treat me like this) i'm not snobby about it. I just end up putting everyone else second. i'm sick of being treated as though i'm good enough to hang out with when every other person on the planet (including strangers that my mates met for 2 minutes) is not available.
so i've found myself in a situation where i only trust me and i don't rely on people, they all let you down.
so my advice is try and find new friends you can rely on, but until then don't build you're hopes up it sounds like you're friends are only there when it's conveniant and if that's the case. screw 'em!
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A
female
reader, Astrid  +, writes (30 October 2006):
 Welfl I thinkyou need to sit down weep and then relax and go out shopping, to the gym with any fried or just alone, do things alone like going for a nice hot chocolate after a good walk or just listen to music, go on a trip with a friend or two if you have the money and the time and leave lest time for the boy so that you can decide what to do, ask yourself what you liek about this man and if it is worth talking to him to see if he changes or give him the sack darling, it is hard but you cannot help others making yourself miserable by allowing them to turn you down like this, he cannot cancel events and sabotage yours for you to see how cooler than you he is I think he is misstreating you spychologically and you shouldn't takle the effort to make him change, do only what you feel like doind and never alow him to let you down again Never darling you are worthier than him
good luck
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A
female
reader, Jovial  +, writes (30 October 2006):
 I am sorry that u have such a sweet personality but instead of people appreciating it they walk all over you.
You need to start opening up to people and be true to yourself. If someone hurt you tell them and demand an apology never say things are okay when you know they are not this should be your first step to confront bad situations.
Ignoring your feelings is not gonna either that’s why you are bottling things inside and feeling like a victim, If u look at it this way is like you are the only one hurting when everyone is doing as they please and maybe they think you are too uptight when u decide not to speak to them and so they happily move-on while u keep on hurting probably they have forgotten what happened and as u said nothing about it they didn’t see anything wrong with their deeds.
So stand up sister and say enough is enough.
Alternatively try to read books that will boost your self confidence as it seem very low as well. There is a book called The Joy of imperfection by Enid Howarth and Jan Tras, it will help you a lot, How to Raise Your Self-Esteem by Nathaniel Branden and there is another one by Dr John Townsend which is called who is your button pusher this one will help you to identify if you are your own button pusher or somebody else and it will help you to deal with those button pushers accordingly with your dignity intact. tell me if it helped.
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