A
female
age
51-59,
anonymous
writes:My partner lies to me. He is really defensive - if i ask anything he gets so angry and blames me for ...anything.......... i have gotten so sick of it and tonight i snooped in his studio and wallet and found the evidence. He says he stopped smoking - he did for years but 2 years ago started again then said he quit at X-mas but on his dockets from the supermarket today there are cigarettes. He also lies about money - which i think is to cover for the cigarettes. He is holding back about $330 a fortnight - like 8700 a year! which is incredibly selfish. He also lied recently about whether he is due for long service. But in his office there is a slip saying he has 70 days owing when i want to go away next year - he had gotten a print out!so ther was no doubt. He also said he had no money on Saturday when we were at lunch but when i looked in his wallet tonight he had $65.00. He could have got money out when shopping for cigarettes but i am not convinced. I am tempted to take it so he can't complain about it being missing! We have been together 21 years and he wasn't like this until the last few years - well not as seriously. The cigs are a big part of it. To hide the smoking he constantly has to act like he's working in his studio to the ppint we cant go out anywhere but he is surfing the net...and smoking and occasionally working. In 21 years I never went through his stuff but I don't know what to do. He has however lied in past about getting his tax return and also about the amount, so behavior not entirely new. He isn't cheating on me, i am sure, but if I bring this up and he knows I looked he will go berserk and maybe leave. I am ashamed that I looked but i really needed to know why he is sooo defensive. What the hell should i do? I am now thinking of breaking my own rules more an getting a nanny cam for his studio....Am i losing it?
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female
reader, anonymous, writes (2 November 2009): I don't think that you are losing it, but I think that you shouldn't get a nanny cam. That is a little extreme. To be perfectly honest with you, it all depends if you want to confront the problem, or just keep it to yourself and deal with it. If you prefer to keep your mouth shut, maintain the "so called" peace, keep the man. Do you prefer to let your man know that you know he's been lying to you, you two argue, he goes berserk, and he may possibly leave you. Which one can you live with?
A relationship is to be built on honesty no matter how long you have been with this man. He has lied to you in the past and you just saw it as "little white lies" and over the years they have just gotten worse. The question is can you stay with a man you can't trust? The only advice I have to give is you have to confront the problem sooner or later. It's up to you whether it's sooner or later. Whatever you decide I wish you luck.
A
male
reader, CaringGuy  +, writes (1 November 2009):
I don't think you're losing it, but at this rate, your relationship will fall apart. You say this has only happened over the past few years? I would suggest you really speak to him about where he sees this relationship going. If he's suddenly defensive, you need to know why, and you certainly need to know why he's lying to you all the time. Sometimes the threat of a relationship breaking can wake a man up. I would suggest really having a heart to heart talk, and if he doesn't listen, really consider whether you can live like this, or whether you would be better ending it. All the best.
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