A
female
age
30-35,
anonymous
writes:A few weeks ago, I got talking to a guy at a bar (foolish place to meet someone I know). One thing led to another and we ended up sleeping together. Since then he has added me on facebook and texted me a few times. We have seen each other on nights out and have slept together a few times since. I know at the moment, this is purely a relationship based on sex, but how can I change it into something that is more then this, without looking desperate or needy etc?
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female
reader, xanthic  +, writes (11 October 2010):
 It would be a good idea to stop sleeping with him, yes, but not because it might get him to want more than a casual relationship. That's not going to work, if anything it'll confuse and annoy him because your original agreement was 'no strings attached', yet clearly on your end there are strings attached.
I'm assuming your hope is that by continuing this arrangement it'll eventually turn into something more, and that's where the problem is. Sex and love are completely separate for most (if not all) men, and considering he was willing to keep you around as a FWB rather than date you properly, I'd say he's not interested in much more than sex. He sees you only as a friend with benefits, not a potential girlfriend.
To stop sleeping with him and ask for a relationship isn't going to work in your favour; in his mind, it'll mean he has to take a step back and put in the time and effort he couldn't be bothered to give in the first place in order to get something you once gave up so easily. You may hear of this situation turning into a relationship and even marriage for some people, but that's the exception, not the rule.
Forget about this one, it won't work out the way you'd like. Also, if you're really interested in being in a serious relationship with anyone, you'll have to get to know them first before jumping into bed.
A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (11 October 2010): you shouldn't of slept with him the first time you ever saw each other, most guys wont get into a relationship were the sex was giving on the first night your supposed to have more respect for yourself, tell him you want more and if he says its just a sex thing then stay away your only going to end up getting hurt
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A
male
reader, anonymous, writes (10 October 2010): I disagree with the other answers here. Dont try to manipulate him into something. Simply ask him if he sees the relationship being more than it is already.
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A
male
reader, anonymous, writes (10 October 2010): It's not going to happen. You pigeonholed yourself as a sex buddy when you slept with him the night you met him, and odds are that's how he'll always think of you. Suddenly taking sex off the table isn't going to convince him to jump into a relationship, it's just going to piss him off and frustrate him.
Harsh truth: guys don't think of girls who fuck on the first date as "girlfriend material." You wanted sex, and he wanted sex; do yourself a favour and don't waste your time trying to turn it into something it's not.
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A
female
reader, aliyahnangelo +, writes (10 October 2010):
 Aunt honesty had some good advice. The next time you guys hang out, go out somewhere. If he tries to get fresh tell him you're not in the mood and you just wanna hang out. If he reacts badly, then you know that he only wants one thing from you. If that happens just remember, there are too many men out there to dwell on a jackass!
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A
female
reader, natasia +, writes (10 October 2010):
 Yep, the others are right: the only way is to tell him you feel it went too fast, and that you like him too much to have a cheap arrangement with him, and that you don't want to sleep with him again until you know each other better, but that you really want to hang out and get to know him ... he will either say yes, if he thinks enough of you, or will run a mile, in which case, ciao.
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A
female
reader, Honest_Answers +, writes (10 October 2010):
 Right, first things first, you CAN meet someone in a club or bar. I met my current partner in a club as a 'one night stand' - five years later he's still here. Now the reason he's still here is because he took the initiative and asked me if I wanted to make things a bit more 'formal' because he really liked me. He said I had nothing to lose if we liked each other - and he was right.
You need to take that step. I really don't think you should worry about seeming 'needy' - it's what you want so go and get it. Why worry about a guy that's only interested in you for sex if you want more than that? Is it really worth sticking around for if you'll always be hoping for something more and he isn't? If you ask him and he says no then no worries; move on and meet someone else (you're obviously gorgeous and have no problems attracting men): If he says yes then Woo Hoo! But seriously, don't worry about seeming needy, giving him his own way is cowardly - stand up for what you want.
What have you got to lose?!
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A
female
reader, YouWish +, writes (10 October 2010):
 I agree with Aunt Honesty. You're in a Friends With Benefits relationship now, and I don't think you can change it to something more unless you end the FWB status. Tell him your intentions have changed towards him and are interested in being more than FWB. You'll see his true intentions then.
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A
female
reader, aunt honesty  +, writes (10 October 2010):
 Ok well it is quite a bad start to a relationship, as am afraid to tell you but this guy probably only sees you at the minute as someone he can sleep with no strings attached as this is how it has been, if you want more to happen then you need to stop having sex with him when you meet up and ask him over text sometime if he would like to do something like maybe go to the cinema or go out somewere, try and go backwards and start going out on dates to get to know each other and hold out on the sex for a while, if he asks whats up just tell him that you dont want to be seen as someone who gives out sex and that you want to get to know him more as a person before you sleep with him again.
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