A
female
age
30-35,
anonymous
writes:I have 2 questions.Firstly, I have never lived with my dad. When I was younger I was very afraid of his girlfriend, she was often emotionally abusive and would reduce me to tears regularly, as well as locking me in a room unless I complied to eat all my dinner, that sort of thing. I never wanted to go and stay with them, but I had no choice up until I was about 9. They live on the other side of the country to where I live.I did not see them for nearly 5 years, then I got back in touch. I saw them a few times for only a day close to my hometown, and it went okay. Understandably, since my dad does not see me very often, so when he does he arranges schedules of things to do. This creates a lot of stress, and I do not find it easy to talk to them. Often, his girlfriend will make hurtful comments about how I was precocious as a child, challenging, difficult, which I find upsetting. I never see my dad alone, and she seems to complain about everything we do, which I find quite irritating (although I have never told my dad this), for example, if we go to a restaurant she says she does not like it, if I talk about something on TV she claims to dislike the programme. Maybe I am just paranoid. We always seem to argue about unrelated subjects as well, and she often makes comments like "why should I explain myself to her? She's only 16" and other things which I find demeaning. This often leaves me upset, although I try not to show it at the time. My dad tends to agree with her on everything, regardless of whether she is technically right – he seems unwilling to challenge her- and they often to blame me for how badly the visits go, even though I have no such problems with anyone else in my family.However, I do want to be on good terms with my dad. I agreed to stay with them later this month, but am feeling very apprehensive about it. Obviously, I have not given much detail, but I'm really unsure about all this.Another question: I have very few friends, but one of the good friends I do have told me the other day that he is a sociopath (yes, he has been diagnosed). I have a tendency to become obsessive over people who don't like me romantically, and of course being a sociopath he cannot feel emotional connections. I am unsure whether I should continue talking to him? I do somewhat have feelings for him at the moment, but not in an extreme sense of the word. I am wondering whether it would be a good idea to stop talking to him before I end up getting hurt?Thankyou in advance for the advice.xx
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reader, anonymous, writes (8 October 2009): I think if you want to maintain a relationship with your father that is fine. If you know the dates that you are going to be staying with them, why don't you find out some events that you can plan ahead to take in with you and your dad alone...you know ask him in advance to commit to that.
When you have to hang around the house while she is there and you find yourself in heated or uncomfortable arguments about TV shows, then don't sit in there and watch the TV, go to your room and read or listen to music or something like that. Excuse yourself politely and just remove yourself. She may be the type that is even annoyed or jealous by having to entertain you as a guest, so make yourself at home and don't spend any more time around her than you have too. She probably isn't able to change at this late date.
Try to understand this isn't about you and that she just has had this personality all her life and try not to take it personally.
As far as the guy who is a sociopath, he can add nothting positive to your life at all. He has no conscience and he will use and abuse you and then delight in hurting you or winning something by taking something away from you even if it is just your self esteem. Seriously, stay away from him and do not contact him when you return. He is not a good friend remember that, sociopaths look for "willing" victims, he is using you because you are willing to like him and give him your trust. He will use that trust against you to manipulate and hurt you....just let him go...I am sure he is charming, but it is superficial and any feelings he has are faked rather than felt by him.
Bad new all around.
A
reader, anonymous, writes (8 October 2009): You're in a tough situation with you father. I've been there, but I had the great good fortune that he put his kids first, and that the woman he hooked up understood that and kept her bile to herself.
It's entirely up to you now whether you maintain a relationship with your father. If he has any backbone at all (which he may not) he should make a point of having time for *just* the two of you, without the woman being there. No reasonable person would blame you for not wanting a relationship with her, other than the minimal politeness required. You must get even just a few minutes alone with your father, tell him that you respect his decision to do what's right for him in being with her, but that a meaningful father-daughter relationship means time without her.
I'm sorry to say that I know men who won't stand up to such women, and will let them ruin any chance of a proper relationship with their kids. He may simply be so cowed, and so convinced that she is his everything, that he won't stand up to her in any way, and won't insist on seeing you without her. If that's the case, it's your call, but I'd not bother. You don't need the abuse. He's not being a "father" in any sense other than biological, and isn't doing you any good.
Your other question, about the sociopath, is rather out of my league. I would think that (1) in the long term such a person has no place in your life whatever, and (2) you should back away from him very slowly and carefully.
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