A
male
age
30-35,
anonymous
writes:Hello everyone I've been having a lot of rough times with my girlfriend and one main problem seems to reoccur a lot is the fact when it comes to us arguing it never stops. She says it's because I'm an idiot I have no idea how to do anything right and she does all things things to help me and I always find a way to mess it up somehow. The thing is I tend to be forgetful and yes I have some head trauma over recent years but not sure if it has anything to do with me being forgetful. Recently she was here at my house we had fun watched movies and made dinner but before we were studying and I printed out a paper that had questions we needed to answer. She had told me to record the paper on my iPod so I can study so I did and I had forgot to put her paper back into her binder before she left home. I know her period is to come very soon but this puts me at my wits end. She had a fit of rage at me over the phone she yelled and screamed I'm an idiot a screw up always will be I never do anything right I'm a retard and do many hurtful things. Normaly she jokes like that and only loves seein me pain and misery which I just got used to but I have no idea what to do I wanted to help her any way I can because I realized that I forgot to put her paper back but we just ended up fightingI have no idea what to do I really needs help oh and after a fight she never apologizes for what she calls me she tells me it's the truth. Please I need advice how to calm her down with out stirring up her temper Any advice?
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female
reader, So_Very_Confused +, writes (22 February 2012):
 “She says it's because I'm an idiot I have no idea how to do anything right and she does all things things to help me and I always find a way to mess it up somehow.”
OP why are you with this woman???
She calls you an idiot
She says you don’t know how to do ANYTHING RIGHT
She says she helps you and all you do is mess things up
“yes I have some head trauma over recent years but not sure if it has anything to do with me being forgetful.”
Traumatic Brain Injury can create a LOT of issues…. Are you in therapy or working with a doctor to deal with it?
She is abusive to you. PMS not withstanding. Calling you names like idiot and retard is abuse.
YOU can’t calm her down. YOU can’t fix her. YOU need to consider ending this abusive relationship,.
A
male
reader, anonymous, writes (22 February 2012): "Please I need advice how to calm her down with out stirring up her temper." You can't. It's physically impossible to control anyone else's emotions. She is who she is, a verbally abusive rage-aholic bully picking on a guy unable to adequately defend himself due to traumatic head injury, which usually indicates she is carrying significant long-term baggage she'd prefer not to confront head on, easier to use you as emotional dumping ground and whipping boy."Any advice?"Realize you've done nothing wrong, understand it's her problem not yours, nothing you can do to help her, she can't help herself until she admits it's her problem, very unlikely that's happening any time soon, you've suffered enough misery at the hands of this hellish shrew, don't regress in your recovery from head trauma, move forward, get the help YOU need to extricate yourself as quickly and safely as possible. No other alternative.
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (22 February 2012): You need to get assertive. You do not need to get angry back at her, but in a strong voice you need to tell her "It is not ok for you to talk to me like that". If you are on the phone, tell her in a calm voice, that you are not going to have a conversation with her when she talks to you like that, and when she can talk you to in a respectful way, she can call you back, and HANG UP. She will only treat you the way you ALLOW her to. You don't HAVE to argue, you don't have to get angry back. You do have to tell her it is NOT OK. She will have an enormous amount more respect for you. This will calm her down. I have been 'that' girl...I know!! NEVER allow someone to talk to you like that. When they can discuss in a kind and calm matter, then you can have a discussion. Yes it is understandable that she is angry, but she can say to you 'I am really angry about it right now, so I will talk to you about it later when I calm down'. Your g/f needs to learn how to communicate maturely and NOT ABUSIVELY. show her this note?
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A
female
reader, chigirl  +, writes (22 February 2012):
 Your girlfriend is being verbally abusive. She's name calling. There are healthy ways to fight and express feelings, and then there are toxic ways to fight. Your girlfriend is being toxic. Name calling should never occur. I know that they do, people aren't perfect and everyone has been name calling at some point or the other. But this appears to have gone out of hand, and now she gets hysterical over everything that happens.
If I were you I am not sure I would want to stay in a relationship with this sort of person. I had a boyfriend once who was aggressive, called me names like bitch and whore etc if I had done something he didn't approve of. I know that NOTHING works with these people. I tried talking back. That only made him furious. I tried shutting up and just take it, which seemed to help a little, but it didn't stop the constant outbursts whenever something happened to his disliking.
The problem isn't the people around them, the problem is them themselves. They are responsible for how the act and react. No one else is responsible for that. This means that you can say or react in any way you like, but unless she's interested in calming down she will not calm down. She'll just continue her rampage until she feels she is done, regardless of your reaction.
She needs to improve. I don't think she will acknowledge this though. Which means the only way you can teach her that this is unacceptable to you is to dump her, sadly. I really do not think things will get better as long as you stay with her.
Try to talk to her though, if you really want to work on this and aren't already worn out. Talk to her at a time when you are both calm and doing ok, have the time to talk and are in private. Tell her that she reacts in a way that is not constructive, but hurts you and hurts your relationship. Look up healthy ways to fight and argue, there are tons of step by step plans online. Ask HER how to calm her down without stirring up her temper.
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A
female
reader, fi_the_tree  +, writes (22 February 2012):
 She doesn't need calming down... she needs dumping!!!! She needs to be told that she is a horrible person when she fights with you!! If it's her binder, then shouldn't she check that everything is in there for the next day???
She's emotionally abusing you, and you're letting her! For goodness sake, she calls you all these horrible names which just destroy your self esteem each time, no-one has the right to call anyone a retard! This is bullying!!
You're right, she does need help, but she won't take any help because she thinks she is doing nothing wrong! I'm guessing you love her very much and wouldn't ever dream of breaking up with her, but she is crushing you!!! If you carry on, there will be no chance of you ever standing up for yourself again, every time she shouts, calls you a horrible name, (maybe even starts being physically violent!!) you will just stand there and take it over and over again.
My advice, get out of there now, before she destroys you completely!!!!
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