A
male
age
30-35,
anonymous
writes:Dear Cupid, I have an older brother; let’s call him Scott, who I have a really hard tie connecting with. It’s been like this for years but now I think it’s starting to bother me a bit. We’ve lived in the same house ever since I was born but we rarely ever speak. Our house is small flat and we just don’t speak. My room is right next door to his and the most we say to each other is “Yo!” in the mornings, which we pretty much grunt rather than say. The last time I remember us being close, I was around 6 years old, so that made him around 14. I remember distinctly saying to him “You’re starting to act different.” because I noticed his behaviour wasn’t the same anymore, he was somewhat more rebellious and he replied “Shut up!” Ever since then whenever I tried to hang with him and his friends he shunned me and kept begging mom to come get me. So eventually I stopped bothering him and started hanging with my sister more, but she would be around 19 then, so she was pretty busy herself, so I spent most of my time alone. Now, years later our relationship never mended. If we do talk, for me it feels very awkward because I hardly ever know what to say. We have absolutely nothing in common besides our genetics and surnames unless you want to include food and good laugh. My brother and I are like Cain and Abel from the Bible. I’m more like Abel, the one who voluntaries, gives to the poor, buys everyone gifts, pays for his lunch etc. Scott would be more like Cain, his thoughts and intentions aren’t usually good towards others, he’s pretty self absorbed, doesn’t think logically, distances himself from the outside family, quick to hold grudges, he can even be a bit of a backstabber sometimes which doesn’t help our relationship. I was doing some research about selfish people and learned that people who are selfish believe they haven’t accomplished much in life so as a result try to hold on to much as they can, which makes some sense in Scott’s case. I must say my brother must have had a hard life. Growing up he was abused by dad, even though I wasn’t. He was abused by mom, we all were and still are (Recently discovered she matches most of the symptoms of a narcissist but that’s another story.) He had some serious learning problems growing, up unlike the rest of us, so his grades weren’t great and he barely passed high school. I was the favourite, he wasn’t. I was smarter; I did things better and faster than him, besides sports and girls. He moved out about 3 years ago and then moved back in a year later after he got involved in some legal problems and has been jobless since. I feel he is very stressed and depressed but I don’t know what to say. I’m fine reaching out to strangers but not him. I just can’t seem to figure out how to connect with him. For Christmas I bought him a phone he wanted because I figured it would make him a bit happier and it did even thought I practically don’t have one myself. But this is how I look out for him the best way I can, by giving him stuff all the time but like I said he isn’t very kind in return but for the most part I can look past that. When I stop to think about whether or not I love him, nothing comes to mind. I feel blank and indifferent towards him and that’s not good. To be honest I don’t even know if I really want a relationship with him, but I should because he’s my flesh and blood. I was always figured if my brother and I weren’t related, I don’t think we’d be friends. The things he talks about I’m not really interested in hearing and the things I talk about he isn’t really interested in hearing. I get the impress he feels useless deep down but I don’t think he is, I just think he needs to apply himself. He never seems to challenge himself (or his brain). How can I create a better relationship with my brother even though we don’t talk at all?
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female
reader, anonymous, writes (15 March 2014): In this situation, I am your brother. I'm 22 and my sister is 16.. We were NEVER close. There was a time, for about 4 years, where we didn't say a word to each other and I had no way of communicating with her. But I realized, before it was too late, that I was resentful of her AND held many grudges (not being the favorite, not being as successful, as skinny, as friendly, etc).. Until I saw deep down inside how much it hurt her...I would tell her to shut up too, I would shun her from my life, push her away, hate her presence. But it was mostly my parents fault and I took it out on her. I learned to forgive myself and my parents and in turn, I became closer to her and tried to see what her interests were and now we can actually hold conversations. You are doing a LOT more than you should be already. Think of it this way, the ball is in his court now. He can take it or leave it. How much longer can you reach out till your arms get tired ? Stop making the efforts for a while if you can tell they go unnoticed. If he wants to alter his behavior, he should start to realize he is pushing you away. It isn't too late.
You don't have to only talk to find similar interests, find some activities to do together that will engage both of you. Gun range? Sports? My sister and I go shopping or out to lunch. Dont expect that talking will bring you closer together. Some people aren't very good at it. I hope this helped somehow. Even though it's from a girl's POV. I believe you still can fix this :)
A
reader, anonymous, writes (15 March 2014): The world is comprised of different personality-types. As strange as it seems, people can grow up in the same house as total strangers. Scott was abused by both your parents. He didn't feel loved by the two most important people in his life. His nurturing was without the affection he needed from the two of them, and that made him withdrawn, bitter, and antisocial.
They gave you everything they didn't give Scott. You were brighter and more responsible; so he became resentful and
distant. He can't stand looking at you. Smug with all your
smiles and contentment with life. He cares for all of you deep down inside; but learned how to be indifferent and cold. He buried his feelings long ago. He lost interest in being a productive individual; and hates life, and everyone in general.
Without his participation, there is little to nothing you can do to restore the loving brother you had when you were six.
He doesn't exist anymore. You don't have anything in-common or to talk about. He has decided to shutout the world and you cannot get beneath the surface; because all you will find is a hateful tortured soul. He can't be close; because he has spent his life cutting off his feelings for the family. He tolerates the rest of you, like tenants in a homeless shelter. That is, on the surface.
For your own peace of mind, continue being the compassionate and loving brother you've always been.
There is no miracle cure or magic potion that brings families together. Love is either there, and openly expressed, or it's not. Your parents dropped the ball.
They created the atmosphere you're living in with your brother.
Sometimes it takes a personal-tragedy, or a grave misfortune, that Scott himself must endure. That will force him to reach out for family-support. Once he realizes no one else in the world gives a sh*t. He has to face a fear he knows he cannot face alone. Only then, will he realize how much he needs family and others.
He otherwise interprets your love as pity. He doesn't have the capacity to show feelings outwardly, due to the abuse of your father and mother. It would take years of therapy, and he has to personally want to change.
He didn't grow-up with the same outlook and compassionate spirit that you have. He doesn't want to show emotion or affection; mainly because that side of him hasn't seen daylight in years.
You really need to move on and connect with any other family-members that are receptive to your desire to bond and connect. Scott is a lost cause; until he decides he doesn't like who he has become, and wants to do something about it.
Some might suggest you try to talk to him. Hearing your appeal for him to change, might be taken as a your attempt to criticize him. To show him how much better you are. He's just not open to it. It's not like you haven't always tried. He enjoys inflicting pain. Just like your parents were to him.
Time for you to move out and venture the world. Scott's tortured soul is going to dim the light in yours.
If he chooses to show you indifference; just continue being kind. Minus offering the presents. Don't reward him for his coldness. You can't buy his love, and he sees the moment only as an opportunity to show you how little you affect him emotionally. It's spiteful and trifling. Blatantly showing you how tough and impenetrable he is. Knowing you're dieing inside to reach him. Denying you gratitude;and worse of all, any sign of caring. It gives him narcissistic supply. You read about it. You know what I mean. Someone had to take after your parents in the respect.
If you live in the same house you have to be civil. I don't think being cooped up in the same house all your life is allowing either of you to grow.
Scott is how most children grow up after abuse. Not all people turn out that way. Some people create change and change themselves. They contribute to the world, and make it better for others. It might even inspire you to do something that would help keep abused kids from turning out like Scott. Maybe volunteering and mentoring troubled youth.
Scott and your parents must have a reckoning. He has to deal directly with his abusers. His release will come from a confrontation and spilling his bottled up feelings; which he will never do. Unless he reaches some epiphany somewhere down the road.
Until they (Scott and your parents) reconcile differences; the rest of the world his completely shutout as far as Scott is concerned.
If he didn't love you all, he wouldn't be there. He would have found someplace distant and never would have come home. He couldn't bring himself to live without the rest of you to cling to. You wouldn't get him to confess to that under torture. Now he is dependent on you, if nothing else.
Being jobless isn't only due to his criminal record. It is because he is a broken and depressed man. He feels worthless. It is unfair that you and the others are supporting him. It gives him no incentive to support himself, and he just lives like a parasite.
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