A
male
age
41-50,
anonymous
writes:I've been with my wife for 12 years. We've been going through a bit of a tough patch lately, but I don't think it's something that we can't work our way through. Now, please don't think that I am claiming to be perfect - I have problems that I need to work on, I am just giving the information directly related to the problem I am looking for advice on.My wife is quite controlling. She has been controlling with me during our time together, but has recently become more controlling, where at the same time I have chosen to not let her control me anymore in ways I don't like. This is a part of the problems we've had. She's controlling in her personal life and also work life. Because of this, she has very (few)(sic) friends and no close friends. She keeps herself 'mentally' isolated, so to speak. I, on the other hand, like people. I have lots of friends, I meet them regularly and I need the company of others. I have some close friends who I trust very much.During one of our chats about our problems, I let her know that I've seeked advice from other people - my friends. She is upset about this, which I understand to an extent because she is a very private person. But she demands to know who I've talked to. I don't want to tell her, now she is more angry and has said she could see us breaking up over it.I know that she wants to know who I've told so she can try to control the situation. She would begin to remove that person/people from her/our lives. This is why I won't tell her. Also, I really believe it's not important that she knows who.I really don't think I'm being unreasonable. I've talked to friends about my problems. They advised me, I do the same back for them. There's enough trust there that I'm not worried. As far as I know, that's what people do! I think she's being unreasonable and is placing too much emphasis on something relatively unimportant.Please, let me know your thoughts. Of course, there is more to this than what I've written above, but I didn't want to write a 6 page essay. I'll clear anything up by responding!Thanks! Reply to this Question
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female
reader, aunt honesty  +, writes (30 June 2017):
 From what you have wrote I don't blame her for feeling like this. If my partner was chatting to his friends about our relationship, I would also like to know. I am also a private person. If he felt he needed someone to talk to then yes he should, but I would also like to think he would be open and honest with me and tell me who. A marriage works both ways, you know she has trust issues yet you tell her you are sharing your marriage problems with friends but holding information on which ones, plenty off people would say that is cruel when you know she has issues, why even mention it to her in the first place if you are going to keep it a secret?
A
female
reader, ellsie96 +, writes (28 June 2017):
 I think one of the problems in a relationship is often it is easier to see the issues with the other person, rather than yourself.I can tell that you and your wife are different people. She seems like she might be quite socially awkward and prefers her own company as opposed to being an outgoing and friendly person, which sounds more like you.For a moment, just try and think about this from her position. She is quite a controlling and inverted person anyway. I doubt she shares many of her problems or worries with others (although of course I do not know her so I cannot say this with certainty!)When she found out that you were telling your friends and others outside of your marriage about problems between the two of you, there is no doubt she would have felt hurt. If my boyfriend was telling his friends about issues we had in our relationship I would feel slightly upset because I wished he could have come to me.I think the best thing to do is try and better communicate with one another. She seems like she pushes you away, although I am not sure whether this is consciously or not, and I think you need to try and bring her back to you. Address some of the issues you have with her controlling nature, and likewise identify some of the ways in which you could help your marriage as well.Make it clear to her that when you spoke with your friends you weren't going behind her back, you just wanted the opinions of someone from the outside looking in.Make it clear that this isn't an argument, and that you are both in this together. This is your marriage and you both need to make the effort to fix it. If she knows you are both on the same team, she may be more willing to open up, and then you can work on some of her issues over her controlling nature.
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A
male
reader, Billy Bathgate  +, writes (26 June 2017):
One of the good things about having friends is that you can share your problems with them. Your wife is attempting to stop you doing that. Do not let her. If she is isolated it is a prison of her own making do not allow her to drag you into it.
It really sounds to me like you and your wife could use professional marital counseling. However if she is as controlling as you say I doubt she will agree to it. But put it on the table.
Stick to your guns and good luck to you.
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A
male
reader, anonymous, writes (26 June 2017): OP hereHoneypie, I understand where you're coming from re her feeling more isolated if I seek advice from friends - but her isolation up to now has been her own doing, I shouldn't have to isolate myself in order to meet her demands, should I? I do get her point that she's uncomfortable with knowing that someone out there may know things about our relationship, I now wish I'd never said that I'd asked advice of others, but am I naive in thinking that other people do this, not just me? It's like an unspoken rule in the world of friends- we talk, we help, but we don't bring it up in the outside world.janniepeg, my wife has always had trust issues that she refuses to get help with. To clarify- I have never cheated on her. I believe it stems from a time when she was emotionally involved with someone else and I found out. I understand not everybody is the same when it comes to socialising, so I don't begrudge her preferring to not have friends and be more introvert, I have no problem with her being that way. Please don't interpret the fact that I have friends as 'I'm out every night' because that isn't the case at all. I spent a lot of time with my wife until she began choosing work/gym/more work over time with me. Now I know her priorities are elsewhere, I use my time differently. This is one of the many problems we have. I do agree that my refusal to disclose who I've tallked with has led hers to believe it's someone she wouldn't like me to. But this is part of the trust issues- there are one or two female friends that she would prefer I don't keep in touch with. Nothing has ever happened, it's that she thinks they are prettier than her and she thinks all women will try it on with me when they get the chance, which is not the case. Of course, I haven't talked to any woman about this, though, in my opinion, it doesn't matter if a trustworthy, close friend is male or female. But I can't keep pandering to her controlling demands every time she refuses to trust me. At what point do I stop feeding her issues and begin to start looking after my own again?The thing that worried me the most was her threat that me not telling her who I've told could be the end of the relationship. We have had some big problems of late, things that I could have walked out over at any time but I want to make things work. I feel her being quick to resort to such a threat is reflective of her controlling nature and her disregard of the issues I've tried to talk to her about in our relationship in the past.Thanks for your answers!Thank you both for your answers.
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A
female
reader, janniepeg  +, writes (26 June 2017):
 You don't have to change your ways because friends and wives can play a different role. There are things that we feel comfortable talking to our friends with. There are intimate secrets that we only share with our spouses. Your wife is controlling because she feels she has to compete for your friends for your attention. She needs to feel special in a way that nobody can replace her. Maybe do the little things that make her feel special such as texting her more often. Remind her what her good qualities she has and why you are with her. Cherish every quality time you have especially make occasions like birthdays, valentine's memorable.
The trust issue is what she needs to work on. The stress that she has is spilling over onto your side. I am like your wife but I keep my mouth shut over what my potential partner can or can't hang out with. I do find it difficult to be matched up with a person different from me. Opposites attract but there has to be enough reason, a feeling of "fate brought us together" to keep a relationship steadfast. Being sociable is not the same thing as being more likely to cheat. Although if an introverted person wants to cheat, he/she would find a way too. The trust issue is a different issue from the compatibility one. I myself would try to become friends with a potential husband's friends. If that is not possible with your wife, then she is not in a position to tell you who you can or not talk to.
Maybe because I grew up being pressured by everyone to socialize (it's something you need to do to survive, to build connection), I would say that it's more proper for a person to become more sociable, rather than the other way round, like when you get married, you focus on your spouse and become more introverted. Unless you are spending way too much time outside of your home and just treating your wife like a decoration, someone to fill space in your home, then she needs to adjust. When she said she would break up over this, it is a threat that she would probably not follow through. When you didn't want to tell her who you talked to, you felt defensive and thought this shouldn't even be an issue. She took that as a suspicion that you were up to something no good. You probably had had enough of her controlling behavior. You've been with her for 12 years. The communication pattern and struggle have gone on for so long and if you suddenly set boundaries for yourself and tell her "NO, I would not talk about this." She would have issues. Perhaps you can say to her, she either trusts you or she doesn't. If she doesn't, she doesn't have to stay married and give herself headaches.
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A
reader, anonymous, writes (26 June 2017): On the bit of the story that you feel you can talk about to us, I would say you DID WRONG in talking about this to your friends , your able talk to a friend and you have the advantage of anonymously talking here and you did not open up to us , You would have done better if you got a pro to talk to, which pro would depend on what you see as the thing that needs fixing, Now let us look at this from another side , how would you feel if she talked to someone with out you knowing about the things you wish to told back today , so would you show your wife this site and ask her to ask us anonymously about what she thinks needs fixing, it would be ten times better than asking a friend , often a friend because he is close to you will not give an honest responce . We can only respond to what we are told , reading between the lines does not work well .I would feel let down if my wife talked to our friend about me and she would kill me if I did about her .It is all most imposable to know what was the thing that split up two people , often we just see the thing that broke the camales back . I think you will have to tell her who the person was , is it better to loose him or her to your wife . then you need to find help and you need to go together , it is looking like you are on your last chance to keep what you have got , and bought will have to invest in it to come out of this , Sorry I wish I could tell you it will all work out , once you let half the cat out of the bag you must tell her the hole story , and it might be to big for her to take . If that is the case it might be the best thing for you if you are not able talk to each other, my last point is you say she is into controlling does she need help and if so she might not be open to talking to a DR in which case you are in for many years of what has being going on , You have to start looking for what the fall out will be in what ever road you take , have a good day and think clearly before you do anything
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (26 June 2017): I understand your wife's point of view. Your problems are between you and your wife and she deserves to know WHO you discuss them with. You have shared 'her' secrets so to speak. Your wife didn't give you permission to, so deserves to know who knows her business. On the other hand, your wife 'should' trust you to know you've got her back and wouldn't share anything you shouldn't, and, wouldn't say anything disrespectful about her or your relationship behind her back, and would only discuss with trustworthy people. It appears she doesn't trust you or maybe your friends in this way? I believe there should be no secrets between spouses -you're creating secrets. I don't see this as part of controlling you.
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A
female
reader, Honeypie +, writes (26 June 2017):
 Seeking advice from friends are adding on to her isolation so I suggest you DO NOT do that. Because now she will want to stay away from YOUR friends too instead of perhaps joining in with you. And if you are talking to FEMALE friends well, that becomes a whole other kettle of fish. But if you feel like your group of friends are GOOD at giving you useful advice TALK to them but DO NOT tell her. That is kind of cruel. Like, telling her hey we TALKED about you behind your back... Know what I mean?
I think you two should consider marriage counseling with a NEUTRAL 3rd person. Someone you can BOTH talk to individually and together. Your friend circle are not therapists and will probably TAKE your side regardless of the issue as they KNOW you but not HER so much and when you present issues it is from your point of view (of course).
Some people don't have a huge circle of friends they want to "hang out with" others like your wife might not be aware that she HAS isolated herself and thus only have to fuss over and pick at. People who isolate themselves (like your wife) often suffer from depression so I think that is something to consider. If she is feeling HER like is a bit out of control she is then overcompensating by trying to control you. (not healthy).
Learn how to DEAL with the marital issues within your unit - that is YOU and your wife. And that might take a neutral 3rd person to teach you the tools to do so.
Does she work or stay at home? Does she have hobbies? Do you two do things TOGETHER outside the house? Try new things? Etc.
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